approaching midnight

MOVIE BOT

2007-04-29T23:26:00.000-04:00

AIM IM with Moviefone.
10:30 PM

hot fuzz wasn't very good

- Movies for Today
1 -N- Hot Fuzz
2 -P- Hot From Hot Docs
3 -F- Frame of Mind

P=Past, N=New, S=Soon, F=Future

Type # next to movie to see showtimes, M to go back to the Main Menu or anything else to search again.

No I mean I saw it.

No movies matched your query. Try again or type main to return to main menu.

======= Movie of the Week =======
The Invisible - Movie Site Chat with Nick

I saw Hot Fuzz tonight with my girlfriend

- Movies for Today
1 -N- Hot Fuzz
2 -P- I Think I Love My Wife
3 -P- Hot From Hot Docs
4 -P- Because I Said So: with Open Captions
5 -F- Follow My Voice: With the Music of Hedwig

P=Past, N=New, S=Soon, F=Future

Type # next to movie to see showtimes, M to go back to the Main Menu or anything else to search again.

with jordana

Pardon me? I tried to find movies and directors related to what you typed but didn't have any luck. Can you try again?

======= Movie of the Week =======
The Invisible - Movie Site Chat with Nick

hello?

Hey there. Just type a film name, actor or director and I'll tell you what's playing.

fart

Pardon me? If you don't understand why I am not understanding you, just type, help.

======= Movie of the Week =======
The Invisible - Movie Site Chat with Nick

doody

Excuse me?

======= Movie of the Week =======
The Invisible - Movie Site Chat with Nick

sorry I mean doodie

Ah -- you've got me again. Why don't you type menu.

======= Movie of the Week =======
The Invisible - Movie Site Chat with Nick

I already ate

No movies matched your query. Try again or type main to return to main menu.

======= Movie of the Week =======
The Invisible - Movie Site Chat with Nick

you're kinda cute

- Movies for Today
1 -P- Cute ng ina mo, Ang
2 -F- You are Alone
3 -P- AAIFF: Can You Hear Me
4 -F- I Love You Again (2007)
5 -F- You Want Me to Kill Him?
6 -F- He's Just Not That Into You
7 -F- Bryan Loves You
8 -F- As You Like It (2007)
9 -F- Sunny & Share Love You

P=Past, N=New, S=Soon, F=Future

Type # next to movie to see showtimes, M to go back to the Main Menu or anything else to search again.

you're not from dateline NBC are you?

SUPERHEROS

2007-04-27T10:21:00.001-04:00

I think if someone answered the hypothetical, “What superpower would you want if you could be granted just one” with the answer, “I’d want to be water repellent”

That isn’t a good choice. You wouldn’t need to use an umbrella ever again or use towels to dry off after showering but just think how much more cooler something like fire shooting finger tips would be.

- THE DEVIL WEARS BEN SHERMAN

2007-03-20T21:24:00.000-04:00

A few funny things.

One - Yesterday a guy chased me halfway down the street saying "buddy, buddy hey" I was like what fork? he had a yarmulke on too (not that it makes a difference).

I thought maybe I dropped something.

I took my headphones off and he said, "Hey I saw you looking in my store. I have the barber shop right back there. You want to come in for a nice haircut?"

I was like uhhhh no.

It was really strange..I've never been chased down the street by someone offering me a haircut.

Two - I got The Devil Wears Prada in the mail today from Netflix. I thought maybe Jordana went into my account and ordered for me as a joke. I was like what the flark? I went to check my queue and didn't even see it in there so it was just a mistake from them.

I'm watching it now and it's really not so bad..don't tell anyone though.

- HELLO IS ANYONE THERE

2007-03-02T12:14:00.000-05:00

I just realized that if you were one of the first few people to have a telephone who did you call? You're just sitting at home going "Man this thing is great I can call anyone in the world maybe I'll call Lady Sisslewick in York and see how their doing."

Then you pick up the phone and start to dial and realize that they don't even have a phone. So then you put your phone down and go outside and hump a goat.

Because that's how it was done in the olden days.

Smooth

2006-12-15T11:05:00.000-05:00

Smooth, originally uploaded by beebo wallace.

Love this shot my friend Beebo Wallace took of me in Chelsea over the summer so wanted to share it on my blog.

- CITYSEARCH DOESN'T SUCK SO MUCH TODAY

2006-11-17T16:16:00.000-05:00

Ok so today they don't suck so bad.

Well I have to say I'm pretty impressed/amazed. Within 24 hours of my post and only telling a few friends about what happened, I got a call from a high up employee at citysearch who will remain anonymous by request. He apologized for my experience and made it clear that they were not taking this lightly. I was told that my additional $200 would be refunded and as a gesture of good faith I was offered a free year account with all the bells and whistles I normally wouldn't want to pay for.

I can't believe all this happened within a day but that's the nature of this beast we call "the Internets" (well that's what GW calls it at least).

I really felt like he appreciated what I had to say and going forward wants to fix citysearch's internal workings to avoid this from happening again..I really hope that's the case and other people don't have to deal with what I did, because it was pretty awful experience when the shit was going down.

This should serve as a lesson to companies to treat their customers with more respect particularly from the ground up..their employees who are actually dealing with the customers on a one-to-one basis....not just the supervisors who have to come in and sweep up the mess.

power to da people!

- CITYSEARCH SUCKS

2006-11-16T18:52:00.000-05:00

If you're a business that is.

For those of you who live in or near a metropolitan area are probably familiar with citysearch Let me begin by saying that I've spent many years using citysearch and find them to be an amazing resource for tracking down addresses and phone numbers of businesses within the NYC area. I found my vet on citysearch. I discovered many a restaurant on citysearch and usually find the reviews reasonably and trustworthy. I use New York Citysearch but they have them for many cities around the globe.

So why in the world would I second guess using them to advertise for myself (quick plug here check my website www.danielkrieger.com)

I signed up for their advertising program and had an account manager contact me to tweak what would become my own personal citysearch page.

First off - He insisted on me creating a minimum amount of advertising dollars at $200 a month which was WAY more than I was willing to spend. I reluctantly agreed and said I would give it a shot for one month and then see how much traffic and contacts I got through them. I expected a hard sell though and he won me over.

Second off - He had me send him a few photographs to put on my home page. I did that and had asked for him to email me the link when my site was up.

Third off - I bought some beautiful fresh mozzarella last night and some homemade soppressata from Caputo's on Court Street last night. I dined on that with some grilled vegetables and a ciabatta roll. So good.

So here I am waiting to hear back from this "Guy" about my webpage. I'm doing searches on citysearch and cannot find "Daniel Krieger" or "Daniel Krieger Photography" anywhere on citysearch. I start calling/emailing my account manager and when he finally gets back to me after having been on vacation for a few days, says they didn't have an address for my business because I'm a photographer without a brick and mortar store. I tell him to use my home address and he says "Fine that will work and your page will be up in a few days." Great I think.

A week goes by and nothing. Finally I get through to him and he asks me to resend the photos so we can get this page up. I guess he had deleted my original email or whatever. Fine I say, and email him the photos again.

While this was all going on I had verbally let him know that I don't want to be charged for anything without actually seeing a webpage. Sure Sure he tells me.

A month has gone by and I have no evidence that I have my own advertisement up on citysearch.

I get a bill for $200 on my credit card and call my account manager guy..who is incidentally named "Guy"

I tell him take that charge away or I'm going to be pissed. Sure Sure he says he will get rid of that charge and get my account squared away and up and running. He is surprised it hasn't been fixed yet...as am I.

I let him know again that I do not want to see another charge until I have a page up..I don't want any billing to be occurring now. I don't want another charge whatsoever until everything was taken care of. I was pretty clear and pretty repetitive. Again he reassures me everything would be ok and TOLD ME that I would receive a refund for that original charge of $200

Now citysearch is a HUGE website with an enormous amount of traffic.. This must be a multimillion dollar company by now with thousands upon thousands of clients. I never once thought anything shady would happen. Boy OY Boy was I wrong.

Another few weeks went by and still NOTHING. NO webpage NO contact NO emails NO telephone calls.

I finally start having my emails bounce back to me.

Then I get a call from some young guy who says he's my new account manager. I laugh and basically tell him that I don't want any charges on my account anymore and I want any charge already given to me removed. I double check that my account is not being currently charged and he tells me it is. He tells me that there isn't going to be any refunds..sorry he says

He also tells me that my previous account manager went on to, and I quote, "Bigger and Better things." Now I didn't know what that meant..I naturally assumed he was being serious and that Guy was just in a higher position at citysearch..not that he actually left the company.

I swear I felt like I was dealing with a shady New York City online camera store.

It took me about 30 telephone calls and several more weeks of leaving messages for managers and supervisors before I finally reached one man who was courteous and understand and did a good job of helping me.. He never outright said this, but led me to believe that there was a reason Guy was no longer with the company because of issues like the one I was currently dealing with.

All in all I was charged over $400 and just today found out that half of that is being refunded. The other $200 was basically charged to me because my name and my website was active among "rotating advertisements that don't actually have their own web pages" so people were supposedly clicking on them and supposedly going to my website but I couldn't actually see that Daniel Krieger Photography existed on citysearch. I still think that this is a total crock full of shit. I also NEVER signed on to have my website and name be rotated. I thought I was signing up for a citysearch ad like everyone else on citysearch seems to have.

And the biggest kicker is that out of these "two month of advertising" on citysearch..equaling what they said was $400 worth of my money ($200 which they actually are getting to keep) I did not receive ONE SINGLE INQUIRY from a client who said they clicked on me through citysearch.com

I contemplated calling my credit card company and telling them that fraud had occurred.. one of the problems though is most of my conversations with this shade-meister Guy dude took place over the phone. I only have one email where he says "Yes we will get your page up soon" and one I sent to him asking about my refund and explicitly stating I don't want ANY OTHER CHARGES UNTIL I SEE MY WEBPAGE UP. But who is to say that he agreed with that? He didn't write me an email with anything he could be held accountable for..I mean he wasn't an idiot. He was a crafty schizter.

All in all I think citysearch is a total sham for businesses but the thing is I don't think any of them realize it. I'm sure most businesses spend hundreds if not thousands a month advertising with citysearch..how much business they actually get from it I don't know..I'm sure it does help them and like I originally wrote, I use citysearch all the time on my own and probably will continue using it. I just feel like a lot of the actual business's who pay to put themselves on citysearch don't know the ride they might be getting. Cause I feel I was used like a hydrant in a dog park.

I do not trust them, plain and simple. I don't plan on using them to advertise ever again. I will take google ads (30 bucks a month I set my account to and I've gotten 10x more hits and responses than my shizty citysearch deal) and good old craigslist (which is wonderful and best of all free) as I move forward into the future. The manager I ended my citysearch ordeal with promised to set me up with a good manager who would properly handle my account and it may have worked out fine, but I'm just too soured on them to do that. So the story ends here, for now.

UPDATE: Situation was resolved.. you can read about it in my post HERE

- THE GREAT PASTRAMI HEIST

2006-11-07T00:26:00.001-05:00

So here is the story.

Jordana and I went to see Shortbus which is a film I recommend only if you're not averse to watching the most graphic homosexual acts on film without renting Rump Rangers (which I've never rented)

It was actually an intense and interesting film.. a bit much male to male pole smoking for my taste but anyway lets talk pastrami (good segue I know)

I did a little thieving which I've been known to do now and again at the world famous Katz's delicatessen. To read more check out my lovely ladies version HERE

"DerrrrrRRRRR" says the pumpkin

2006-10-23T13:59:00.000-04:00

duhhhhh, originally uploaded by smoothdude.

Our pumpkin looks a bit challenged.. the one above which we carved, not my pumpkin here

We carved our pumpkin yesterday while watching Grizzly Man, a story about a guy single handely answered the question, "Does a bear shit in the woods" with a resounding yes when he stuck his hand into a steaming pile of actual bear crap.

Oh and he was later eaten by a bear. Its actually an amazing film I recommend seeing.. astonishing and sad

and there's bear poop in it

hanger steak

2006-10-18T11:50:00.000-04:00

hanger steak, originally uploaded by smoothdude.

So I keep meaning to start a photoblog but I realize I should just use my current blog since I've been too busy to really get a specific photoblog up and running.

I know a few loyal fans check in once in awhile but for those who don't know I've been doing photography a lot recently.. this was a shoot I did this past Sunday at a restaurant in Ditmas Park, Brooklyn for Brooklyn Papers.

Hopefully it will be in this Saturdays issue but who knows. I'm sick right now too I have a bad sore throat.

I got to bring home this steak and eat it..it was good. big perk of food photography :)

- PUR VS BRITA

2006-08-21T21:54:00.000-04:00

Take a look at the reviews for this Pur water filtration system here and here.

Now I consider myself a maven similar to the one Gladwell creates in his wonderful Tipping Point, but even I was a bit blown away by these glowing reviews. I never liked my current Brita filtration system and think the designs of their pitchers are all horrid.

The reviews on amazon.com (which by the way a good maven always checks before making a purchase) were mixed about Brita. Some people liked them some complained about their design and some people just have nothing better to do than review a water filtration system. I love that someone said "This thing will change your life!" That's brilliant.

I was on the lookout for a new larger pitcher, possibly one of those huge spout ones that hold like 50 gallons of water. I was disappointed by what Brita had to offer.

Then I decided to search around a bit more and remembered there's a challenger in the seedy underworld of water filtration society once dominated by the ruthless leader Brita. Pur is the new kid in town.

Those reviews.. my god! I couldn't believe it.. it's rare that one product has so many glowing reviews on any website. I was so blown away I flicked off my old brita pitcher and purchased the Pur Ultimate Water Dispensing Badboy. I will receive it in 3-5 business days and will let you know how it is.

- WHEN NATURE CALLS, DOODIE FALLS

2006-08-01T22:39:00.000-04:00

God its fucking hot out. My AC that I bought from my best friend is on the fritz..The thing has always been a POS since I got it.

Monty Burns 101: I cant believe u made me pay you more than u bought it for
bff: I didn't buy it my roommate gave it to me
Monty Burns 101: u really know how to get a good friend
Monty Burns 101: and how much did I give u?
Monty Burns 101: $100?
Monty Burns 101: wait what? u lied to me
Monty Burns 101: u said you bought it with your roommate
bff: oh
bff: yeah
bff: :)
Monty Burns 101: nice dude
Monty Burns 101: I couldn't pay my rent that month
Monty Burns 101: I made falafel again tonight
Monty Burns 101: and put them in my boxers and smashed them against the wall
bff: u could prob cook them on your wall its so hot
Monty Burns 101: I made a tomato/cucumber/red onion salad with fresh lemon juice, extra virgin olive oil, and S&P
Monty Burns 101: on fresh made Damascus pita bread
Monty Burns 101: then I filled my bathtub up with ice cubes and sat there eating it
bff: ha

It was so hot today a homeless looking guy walked up to the hot dog vendor outside of my building on 125 Worth Street with a wrinkled dirty $1 bill. He gave it to the vendor and the vendor said, "What can I get you?"

The guy just looks at him and says, "Shit man a fucking soda!" but he said it in a way that sounded like "Obviously what do you think I want?"

I also saw the same vendor later that day eating food he got from the gyro cart guy who sits in front of Duane Reade on Worth street.. I thought that was weird..Do cart guys swap food or does the hot dog guy just want to live longer than his customers?

- SELLING MY SHAG RUG

2006-07-31T00:20:00.000-04:00

Well I loved this rug that I've only owned maybe a year now. It's a shag rug and brings back memories of childhood when my pops had sweet shag rugs all over our house in Sherman, Connecticut.

Anyway this shag rug kinda sheds a lot and doesn't really work in my apartment..and most of all my woman don't like it! ha she's going to KILL me for this..anyway I just posted this adon craigslist.

- THE PRICE OF LEMONS

2006-07-27T22:40:00.000-04:00

Who done gone and decided that lemons should be so fucking expensive? I think they're like 50 cents each now.. what puts them at such a premium over limes? I bought 8 fucking limes for a dollar a few weeks ago at the new Fairway in Red Hook, Brooklyn.

They have unreal full sour pickles there.. sooo good that I splashed some of the brine on my face like aftershave.. Jordana didn't think that was funny though.

But the lemons..why so expenive? I hate when things get expensive like a small bottle of soda for $1.25 WHY WHY

I came home tonight and thought some hooligans had thrown eggs on the back of my car but it turns out it was just bird shit.. I think the bird was ill because it was disgusting.. what's wrong with those things they just fly and shit fly and shit. If humans just crapped as they were walking I think our society wouldn't be as advanced as it is. What does all this have to do with the prices of lemons in Brooklyn?

nothing

Here's a picture of me that my friend at work took..she's leaving to be the medical director at some clinic in Queens and said she was going to miss seeing me with my helmet on just walking around the department of health looking like I wore it all day (not just to ride my bike) So I told her I actually went into the bathroom with it on at the end of the day yesterday and some guy looked at me kinda funny.. I realized that when someone wears a helmet into the bathroom they probably look like they shouldn't be in there by themselves.

especially when they wear shorts and look like this:

- ANYWHOO.COM SUCKS

2006-07-05T15:33:00.001-04:00

If you need to find someone's phone number online there are several websites you can use.

www.anywhoo.com
www.whitepages.com
www.zabasearch.com

and there's probably a few others but I use those.

Anywho.com absolutely blows balls when it comes to finding someone.. I don't think my searches with them have yielded a correct result ever. The other sites I get hits sometimes but anywhoo is just worthles. Even when I try to search my own name I can't get anything on them.

BOOOOO

- THEY FOUND CRACK IN A NASA SPACE SHUTTLE

2006-07-03T14:14:00.000-04:00

So I was reading yet another article about space shuttles again.. well actually I was only reading the title because actually reading these articles are so frigging boring I'd choose just about anything over that..give me the choice between an interview with Pauly Shore and a space shuttle article and I'll.. well ok maybe not but still.

FREAKING BORING. You realize we spend like 15 billion a year on space shuttle programs? Who authorizes this bullshit I mean seriously.. I'm sure there's much to learn from space but there's plenty of work that needs to be done on this country with that money right now.

Anyway the way I interpreted the NY Times article today, Monday July 3rd, 2006 was much more interesting than the actual original article was.

"Crack is found in Shuttle's Foam Insulation"

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla., July 3 —Inspectors found what they called "crack" in the foam insulation of the space shuttle Discovery's external fuel tank early today. NASA managers are meeting to determine whether these discovered narcotics will affect a planned liftoff Tuesday afternoon, according to the space agency.

"We don't know who stuffed this crack rock in the insulation as of now," spokesman George Diller said today at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration's Kennedy Space Center. He followed with, "Our laboratory is currently testing the shit out to see how pure it actually is."

Problems with hiding drugs in the insulating foam on the fuel tank have been a concern and a high priority for NASA since pieces of the foam broke away during launch and led to the destruction of the shuttle Columbia on Feb. 1, 2003. When asked for comment, Discovery crew member Kenny Longsmith said "Bitches be stealing my shit!" which seemed to have no relevance to the current situation.

NASA grounded the shuttle fleet after the accident, and spent more than $1 billion to redesign the orbiters, focusing on securing the foam. When asked for comment George Diller was interrupted by Kenny Longsmith who interjected with, "You think for a billion bucks you could fix us some fucking cubby holes for our crack. Fuck you thinkin?"

On the only flight since then, a mission by Discovery a year ago, the shedding of foam was greatly reduced, but several pieces did break free that were large enough to damage the shuttle's heat shield if they had struck it. Shuttles have not flown since then, while NASA once again addressed the problem, including removing more than 35 pounds of foam and making other changes. NASA promises to waste a tremendous amount of taxpayers money in the near future.

- WILLY WONKA ALMOST GETS A HANDJOB

2006-05-30T12:46:00.000-04:00

My god the women here are so small. The following is a true story. We went for massages tonight at a really nice hotel. The whole place gave off a strange feel..but maybe the fact that there were about 10 half naked Japanese businessmen helped contribute to this.

An hour long massage was $8. And it was a pretty damn good massage. The woman mounted my back like she was going on an expedition. She was jamming elbows and fingers into my back and then actually put her knees on my back and started sliding up and down. It felt like she was skiing on me.

Anyway the entire thing was really enjoyable until I had flipped over to my back. She pointed at my crotch and said, "Massage there?"

WHAT? I've gotten about 10 massages in the shadiest, cheapest joints in NYC and NEVER once have been offered a massage "There" so this was a first. I couldn't help but giggle and say, "No but thanks for the offer"

The rest of the massage was rather uncomfortable and not just because of the fact that this woman propositioned me for a costly crotch rub but the fact that she obviously does this quite often and was currently rubbing my entire body (cept for the higher priced parts) really grossed me out.

Anyway I took it in stride and tried not to freak out. I knew the story would be so good I had to get a picture of me with them..they all thought I was so funny because of my hair and my sheer size. I could have swallowed one if I was hungry..they have some tiny people here.

- I'M VERY BIG IN VIETNAM

2006-05-30T12:40:00.000-04:00

Well they seem to love me here. I took one of my sisters hair bands and tied the long mound of hair on the front of my head up into a little ponytail to get it out of my face.

This set off a riot for all the Vietnamese girls who were working at the restaurant. They ran up to me giggling and kept touching my hair.. Allyson, Bryan and I just kept laughing about the whole ordeal. But it didn't stop there..everywhere I go they love it.. I'm not sure what it is but I guess being an international superstar sensation might have something to do with it.

I've told a few people I'm Tom Cruise. The ones who know him realize I'm not in fact Tom Cruise..and the one's who don't know who he is well...it doesn't really matter if I say I'm Tom Cruise right?

- OFF TO VIETNAM AND CAMBODIA

2006-05-23T20:31:00.000-04:00

So check my blog again in about a week maybe I'll have a few new posts.. I'm going on vacation to Cambodia and Vietnam for 2 weeks..Traveling out with my best friend Ryan and meeting up with my sister and bro-in-law.

Here was my conversation with Bryan (bro-in-law) a few minutes ago:

Bryan: you getting psyched for the trip or what!?!

Daniel: I'm doing situps right now
running in the snow like rocky
I'm not even packed yet
I'll be psyhced when my plane lands on a bamboo hut
and I get to throw that first grenade in a foxhole

If anyone wants me to bring back a child please specify sex and hair color..and send $5000 to my paypal account.

- I PUT MY UNDERWEAR ON BACKWARDS AGAIN TODAY

2006-05-19T16:45:00.000-04:00

As all you loyal fans know this isn't the first time I've done this.

I remember now that I felt funny on my bicycle on the ride into work today but didn't really give it a second thought until my first peeeeeeeeee break of the afternoon. As I went to play with my lawn sprinkler I felt around for an opening in my red banana republic boxers, and got scared thinking I might have twisted my body around like in the movies, without realizing it..

Then it dawned on me...duhhh

Speaking of Planters peanuts in that previous post, I'm now eating Duane Reades exclusive brand of peanuts named 5th Avenue "Preferred Peanuts" you know their good because they are "Preferred." The thing is that Duane Reade also makes a brand that don't have the fancy labeling and word "Preferred" on them and I've eaten them.

Let me be honest, the non preferred peanuts are frigging nasty. Disgusting! Revolting! They're like that inbred house of neighbors who used to live across the street from you who never cleaned their lawn. Weird things happened in that house. I kinda had a crush on the girl though and carved her name into my treehouse (and my arm).

- DRAWING NAKED BROADS ON MOTHERS DAY

2006-05-18T11:24:00.000-04:00

On Mother's day I did what any red blooded American does, I went with my mother to a nude drawing class and drew a naked woman for two hours. This was my first attempt at drawing the naked form and really doing any kind of real life drawing to be honest.. I didn't do that badly I don't think. I got bored after awhile and wandered about outside to take photographs like a child with ADD.

The photo below was my best rendering of the afternoon. My mother liked this one as well. The guy across from me in the picture was some old dude who was doing water colors of the model..Really good stuff though.

I took a few photographs indoors (not of the model only of the artists drawing her) except for this one guy who said "NO you cannot take my picture." He had a white beard so I called him Old Man Winter. When he went for a bathroom break (becacuse he's old remember) I ran over to his desk with the plan to draw boobies all over his painting, until I realized that we were in fact already drawing boobies..So what fun would that be?

This one wasn't as good..the face kinda looked Picassoesque in a way..well except that it's utter shite!

And moms.. much better:

- PLANTERS NUTS

2006-05-16T15:50:00.000-04:00

I think whoever thought up Planters new motto to celebrate their impressive 100 years of delivering fresh taste should be reconsidered.

"Putting salty nuts in your mouth for 100 years" just sounds wrong to me..what do you think?

- POST # 230

2006-05-12T11:37:00.000-04:00

So I was just about to hit the final button to checkout for my mothers day present. My sister and I got her a little gold charm which will be in engraved, "With love from Allyson and Daniel."

Luckily I rechecked the writing before plunking my finger down on the final "Click to submit order" button and saw I spelled my sisters name "Allsyon" hahaha man that would have taken awhile to live down.

Last night I went to get a Hepatitis A shot from my MD because I'm going to Vietnam and Cambodia. What a pain this is..I have to get Malaria pills and Cipro in case I get travelers diarrhea which isn't much fun.

So I'm leaving my office and I stop by my old chiropractors office which is right nearby to say hello. We were just chit chatting when I said, "Hey how about an adjustment for old times sake."

him - Sure Daniel that would be great, hop on the table!
me - Yeah I haven't had an adjustment in awhile thanks.
him - how do you want to pay then, cash?
me - (thinking he was just going to do it for free since I wouldn't be using my insurance) uh yeah sure cash is fine.
him - Ok well how much about. Normally I would charge $60 but since its you I'll give you one for $50.
me - Wow that's a bit much.
him - What were you thinking then?
me - I can give you $20.
him - Ok but no heating pads first.
me - Yeah that's fine.

- DAVID BLAINE AIN'T SO TOUGH

2006-05-08T23:31:00.000-04:00

So David Blaine's been getting lazy recently. I heard he waded in a kiddie pool for a few hours and called it some world record. Rumor has it his next stunt will be cleaning the entire floor of a movie theater with one q-tip. I will be impressed if he can do that (especially if it's a theater where I just saw a movie with either Hugh Grant or Julia Roberts because vomit will be all over the ground).

Where were the camera crews when I sat on my couch for 8 days straight eating egg rolls at a steady pace back in 02? I mean seriously I must have set some kind of record there.

There's something upsetting about sitting at home in my boxers and stained t-shirt eating a banana split sundae while watching a man who has spent the past week living in water and then attempted to break the record for holding one's breath at the conclusion of that week. He actually failed by like a minute but he was also tied up in chains and stuff (in typical showboat fashion). So did I get pleasure from seeing him not reach his mark? Not really. I still found it all entertaining and in a way inspiring.

So I spent the next 15 minutes standing in front of the bathroom mirror trying to "will" a patch of slightly melted caramel off my chin.. I'm not sure what happened but I think I passed out. I woke up on the floor and Mingus was licking my face.

But you know what.. the caramel was GONE.

magic!

Pictured below is that time (as all you die hard fans remember) I spent 3 weeks in a box suspended above some famous place in some popular city. Remember that? I do!

I didn't eat anything the entire time. You can see how the teased me...oh did they tease me those bastards! Waving candy bars in my face and calling me on my cell phone saying, "Hey Mr. Krieger did you order that large pepperoni pizza and chocolate milkshake cause it's ready for you!"

I made it though. The only thing I ate those three weeks was lint off my blanket, and the roof of my mouth.

- MY BICYCLE

2006-05-04T23:52:00.000-04:00

So I finally got a bicycle. I bought a Trek 7000 which is a "hybrid", and man do I love it. I cut my commute from a 35-40 minute 2 train ride, to a steady 20 minute bicycle ride. I figure it will take about 6 months to pay for the bicycle by saving money on the train..everything after that is gravy.

MMMmmmm gravy. I think they should sell it as a drink. Something what I do is cyphon/siphon how do you spell that? Anyway carefully pour that shit into an empty Poland spring bottle and drink a little bit at stop lights. It gives me great energy.

Last night I went to this lovely event for a few hours with my friend Adnan where I dined on yummmies and drank, all gratis. Check out a slideshow HERE.

I've been getting a lot of compliments on my bike recently. Random people come up to me and ask me about it, maybe because its brand new, or maybe because my hair looks so good right now people just want to talk to me.

So that part of my life was going so great but then last night when I was at this shindig I mentioned to a woman whom I was chatting with that I rode my "bike" here. She jumped and said, "that's so cool!" and asked what kind of motorcycle I had.

There she is.. I haven't named her yet. How about a contest sometime in the near future to name my bicycle? hmmm yeah that will be an entire post in itself. Stay tuned fans (yes I mean you).

- QUICK CHATS

2006-04-28T10:47:00.000-04:00

Friend: I left my clothes at the gym today. I have to go get them now...brb...
Me: dude u pervert
Me: You left the gym naked?
Friend: hahaha

Kinda reminds me of a classic old vaudeville joke right?

Also there's this email back-n-forth with a coworker:

Me: Do we have double sided tape by any chance?

literally 5 days later I get this email back

Coworker: In the front overhead cabinet in the entrance of room 225

Me: uhh that was an email from like 5 days ago. I got some since then. I also got married and had kids who are currently in college.

Coworker: Great! Invite me to the kids wedding!

Me: Well, they are super geniuses and they're actually only 12 but still sophomores at MIT and MCI and TBS..some of the great universities in our country. That being said it will be a few more years before they get married.. Maybe I'll request a new stapler and when it comes in the wedding will be booked :)

- LETS JUST SAY, HYPOTHETICALLY

2006-04-19T17:16:00.000-04:00

Let's just present a hypothetical here involving a handsome man, we will call him "Stan" who just got back from a short excursion with his lovely lady who we will call "Georgina".

A few days after arriving home to the states, "Stan" went to his local money house (aka bank) to exchange what foreign currency he had left. Keeping a few pesos is nice but he had a bit more than that. So he went to the local money house and did the exchange. After leaving the bank he was almost 99% positive that the bank made an error. The error was 1) in his favor and 2) for what he suspected was a little more than $300.

Enter moral dilemma stage right. He didn't think that the teller would be responsible for this money but a few friends and loved ones said yes, indeed they would be. Turns out Stan (as is usually the case) was right, that the teller would not be held personally responsible for this error.

Anyway Stan was going to keep the money. Then Stan's car got towed. Towed and ticketed. Fuckah da police! And especially the traffic cops who give tickets!

Guess how much this tow and ticket would cost Stan? A little more than $300! Did you guess right? If not you're an idiot and can't follow a simple story.

Was this Gods way at teaching Stan a lesson? Was it God punishing him? I mean he already gave Stan a bit of a belly, why more punishment? WHY GOD WHY?!

sorry.

Stan was pissed and vowed to fight da police. Stan spoke with Georgina and made a promise. He said that if this unjust ticket was reversed he would go to his money holding house (for your layman that's a bank) and tell them what happened. Georgina said hey maybe they will let you keep it anyway..Not bloody likey he thought to himself. Yes I wrote "likey".

So into the judges office Stan went with ticket in hand. He was nervous. He was sweating. He wanted this ticket adjudicated dammit!

AND IT WAS! The midget fairies rejoiced and flowers with wiener dog puppy stems fell from the sky as Stan twirled around in ecstasy.....Well at least till the Court officer said, "What the fuck you think you doing dancing up a pansie storm in this court..fuck outtta here!" Then he left.

NO TICKET NO TOW!

Now what about the bank?

Today I no wait "Stan" went to his nearby branch and sat down with the manager and explained the situation, even going so far as to adding in the whole car towing/ticket thing and basically blaming Georgina (who is a great girl despite this) for being his moral dictator. What was he going to say? Stan though that he wouldn't even blink and would just dip into his account and snatch that money like a fat man stealing french fries off the plate of a blind man.

The manager was totally cool and smiled at Stan's story, as you should be right now. He said chances are if they didn't catch it you have nothing to worry about. Woah!Wait, does that mean Stan gets a free pass? Basically yes, if Stan wants to.

The money does not come out of the tellers pocket and if Stan really want to then he can go down to the specific branch where it happened and they will probably deduct the extra money from my balance. I mean his balance. Stan's balance.

What should Stan do in your opinion?

- IMMIGRANTS UNITE!

2006-04-11T23:50:00.000-04:00

Alternate title was, "HEY LUIGI!! DATSAHHH LOTTTA IMMIGRANTS!!" I said that a few times during the massive immigrant march yesterday that took place in downtown Manhattan. Hey let's face it. Italians can be the butt of immigrant jokes without too much uproar these days..I mean no one is going to call me out on that. But if I made a mexican joke??? no es bueno!

hee hee just kidding relax!

I went out during the march and got a few good shots. Yesterday was a great opportunity for random street portraits. There were photographers all around so I blended in and didn't seem like a pervert taking pictures of people's children. For once.

- GOTHAM FACTS

2006-04-04T11:57:00.000-04:00

I attend a weekly meeting which concludes with trivia and fun facts. The commissioner of our department read this one today that I particularly liked:

"Gotham City"

Washington Irving was the person who dubbed New York City as "Gotham City". Gotham was a town in England noted for its "wise fools," which led to the saying "More fools pass through Gotham than remain in it". The residents of Gotham in England wanted to discourage people from settling in their town, so they purposely acted insane whenever strangers would visit. Irving though New Yorkers had adopted the same strategy.

- MY DAFFODIL!!

2006-04-03T10:34:00.000-04:00

Please go HERE and vote for my smooth ass shot of a daffodil

There's a NYC daffodil contest over at shutterfly.com for the best shot. So far there aren't many entries but I'm sure a lot more will filter in before the contest is through so it's important to get me some good votes now!

- SNOPES AND TACO BELL

2006-03-27T17:30:00.000-05:00

Snopes is one reason I love the internet

Taco Bell is disgusting.

To begin with, I had a great sushi dinner Saturday night in CT for a friends birthday party. We had spicy crab, tuna, and sweet potato tempura rolls, all excellent. The following day we did a lovely brunch at Adriennes, a New Englandish type restaurant up in New Milford Connecticut. The meal was accompanied by a basket of fruit and freshly baked muffins and breads. The chef came out during our meal to say hello and see how everything was. A fine experience it was.

Then for dinner we decided to take 10 major steps backwards in our culinary adventures for the weekend and stopped at Taco Bell. I haven't eaten at Taco Bell in literally a decade, and I remembered why last night. We ordered some of these newly devised food products like the Chulupa and some strangely enclosed quesedilla type thing. Also we got an order of nachos (and 2 diet cokes which were the best part of the meal by the way).

As we were eating in the car Jordana mentioned how everything tasted exactly the same..from the nachos to the chalupa things. Then she asked, "Is this real cheese?" I lied to her and said, "Yes of course." I honestly didn't think it was but didn't want to gross her out.

We both ended up feeling sick for the rest of the night. That food could have been mushed together in a tube and squeezed out onto a spoon and would taste exactly the same. I think it will be another 10 years before I eat there again.

Today I looked up Taco Bell on google, hoping to find some good stories but couldn't find much. I did however see a few things about their meat being "Grade D, fit for human consumption" and promptly went to my favorite fact checking website, snopes.com

Snopes if you're not familiar with it, is a great site to check up about those emails you get from random people about some Russian diplomat wanting to wire you a million bucks, or some crap like that. They have pretty much every urban myth you can think of and let you know the origin and how much is true.

Anyway they basically give a rundown and presented the information about Taco Bell and McDonalds not having "Grade D meat" but then again it isn't the same meat you get in restaurants..I'm sure some of it is pretty nasty (as is evident when eating it).

Anyway Taco Bell is fucking gross. I wish I hadn't eaten there. It's almost 24 hours later and my stomach is still making noises.

Gross.

- HUMMUS RECIPE

2006-03-23T12:45:00.000-05:00

A friend asked for my roasted red pepper hummus recipe today so I wrote it up in an email. Now I'm sharing it with the world. If you don't like red peppers (like my girlfriend) you can omit them and just add a bit more water.

Serve with veggies and PITA squares from Damascus on Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn. If you can't make it there you should move to Brooklyn, or just buy some PITA and put it in the oven for a few minutes.

ROASTED RED PEPPER HUMMUS!

Hummus is pretty tough to make until u do it a few times, then it's really easy. The key is consistently. Well consistency and not fucking it up.

Depending how much you're making this should be a good estimate of a recipe:

4 cans of chick peas drained of their water
3/4 cup of tahini (add a little more if you think it needs it)
juice of 1 small lemon
2 tablespoons of salt
fresh black pepper to taste
1 cup of water
5-6 pieces of roasted red pepper (buy the canned kind they are the same as trying to roast them yourself which makes a fucking mess at least for me it does)
1 head of garlic
1/2 cup of extra virgin olive oil
1 large white chefs hat

- So first you should cut the head off the garlic, about the top 1/4 I would say, pour some extra virgins on it, partially close it in tin foil and bake in the oven at about 350 degrees for 20-30 minutes until the cloves start to get soft so you can squeeze them out by hand (after it cools off course don't burn your cute lil hands babe)

- you need a food processor and you need to work in small batches. Take one can of chick peas (after draining it. you can rinse it as well with cool water) and put them into the processor.

-add a few scoops of the tahini
-add a few cloves of the squeezed garlic when it's cooled down..Make sure the skin is off..The garlic should poop right out of the skin when u squeeze it. Don't burn that shit though.
-add 2 tablespoons or so of the water. Start to blend it. If it gets stuck because the chickpeas are too dry, add a little more water but only enough to get it going. Then towards the end when it starts to smooth out..
-grind some black pepper over it and..
-add some salt, then..
-add a few slices of the red pepper. Actually I changed my mind..Add the red pepper in at first. This will act like a lubricant and get the mixture moving and grooving.

- The key is to make it smooth..Not too many lumps. Add a little bit of the extra virgins afterwards to help smooth it out more and give a little extra flavor. This all takes some practice. Make your first small batch for yourself and see how it comes out. I usually make 3-4 batches and put them together in a big bowl. Then I stomp on them with my feet like Lucy did with the grapes at the Italian winery.

- Feel free to call me if needed. You don't have to use all the garlic it just goes to taste..I would say 2 cloves or so per can of chick peas.. Remember the taste of roasted garlic is much milder than raw.

may god be with u

- FILM CRITIC

2006-03-21T20:02:00.000-05:00

I just saw the Sea Inside. It was a truely emotional film and overall just really brilliant I thought.

My quote to Luke, my friend who suggested it was, "Made me weep like my balls were caught in the spokes of a bicycle wheel."

If that isn't film critique I'm not quite sure what is.

- The Argentine Way

2006-03-20T14:36:00.000-05:00

Well I've been back for awhile but haven't blogged about my trip although I did post a lot of shots to flickr with little stories. I'm re-inacting that here with this numbered mosaic.

1) The first meal upon arrival may have been the best. We had lunch at:

EL TRAPICHE
Paraguay 5099
Palermo
Buenos Aires
Tel: 4772 7343

just giving you some info in case you're ever in Buenos Aires (and you should be if you haven't been). Be prepared to spend about $12 for a nice meal...and that's for two people. We both ordered the sirloin/chicken skewers and fries. It was really the first moment of settling ourselves, sitting down to relax and biting into some of the most tender perfectly cooked pieces of steak I've ever had. It was one of those unforgettable dining experiences, our expressions of pure joy were apparent upon each bite.

2) Fidel Krieger. This was actually taken on the last day of our journey. Two cigars were purchased from a small smoke shop in the San Telmo section of Buenos Aires. The proprietor tried pushing some cigar from Switzerland on us but we insisted to smoke something made locally. I hadn't smoked a cigarette in a few weeks at that point but decided to have a cigar anyway (and haven't smoked anything since). It tasted ok but nothing special. This photograph taken by Jordana is much cooler than the actual smoking of it was.

3) Despite some wise ass comments I wasn't shooting this old woman's breasts..I was just trying to get a cool shot which I think I did with this. I love the lighting here. Jordana was talking with this older woman at a market while I was sitting on a bench surveying the scene, shooting a bit. Locals are called "Portenos" there so that's my title of this one.

4) Mate is a potent tea drink which is quite popular in Argentina and apparently other parts of South America. The process of preparing mate is an arduous task but the final product is worth it. Shown here are the cups used to drink the Mate. The stuff is like crack as we found out, with locals carrying around their cups and thermos filled with hot water during the day to feed their habit. I'm drinking it right now as I'm writing this actually. To learn more about Mate go to Argentina..or a quicker way actually might be to read this.

5) Uruguay for a day. If you do make it down to BA I suggest taking a day trip to Cologna, Uruguay. A three hour boat ride (similar to the three hour Gilligan tour but we actually made it there) took us to this small beautiful but beaten down village where we did a few things. So here's a little list within a list.
1) Rented a Ninja/Vespa type vehicle that I promptly crashed us into a sidewalk a few feet away from the man pictured here. We ran into him again (no pun intended)later in the day and he directed us to some out of the way local architecture to check out. He was a sweet old man who told us if we needed anything just stop by his home and he/his wife would take care of us.
2) We ate this massive meal named Chivito which consists of ham, steak, and fried eggs served over a bed of french fries. It was a bit much for Jordana but for a professional eater like me it was smooth sailing. She actually ordered it without ham (to my chagrin) but they managed to slip on some ham steak regardless..those slippery Uruguayans.
3) We got a back massage at this resort in town which seemed like a great idea but halfway during mine a large group of businessmen there for a conference got into the pool outside of my massage room and started making so much noise I couldn't enjoy it. They were kinda short and stocky so I think it may have been a chiropractors conference. I actually got off the massage table, put my clothes on, and walked out to the main desk and basically demanded my money back. It was hard to speak to them until they got a guy who spoke English so ole Danny-one-language could verbalize my fury. They gave me 10% off which was bullshit. Jordana enjoyed her massage so I wasn't as upset as I would have been. Still though.
4) At the end of the day we went to return of the ninja/vespa/moped the place looked closed. Finally the guy who ran it came running up asking why we were so late? We looked at my watch and said "What it's only 7:30?" which is when it was due. He corrected us saying, "No it's almost 8:30," which is when our boat was leaving, which was the last boat of the day. I had forgotten to correct for the one hour time difference. We had no clothes there, no room, nothing. We would have been pretty screwed. We started running for the dock. We barely made it on the boat and got a few firm headshakingsat, But we made it!

6) La Boca, a South American version of Disneyland. A tourist area if we ever did see one while down there. Obviously not our favorite portion of the journey but they did have some amazing colors as can be seen on the houses.

7) Uruguay again. This was an old car overlooking the ocean. Jordana and I ran took a lot of shots in this area. This version isn't the greatest because it was cut off but you can see the original here.

8) Jordana at a large outdoor flea market in San Telmo. We both purchased a mask and a few other great items hand made by this artisan. He had this great serenity about him as many people there did. The product of his labor was beautiful and each hand made mask was priced between 3-5 dollars. Can you believe it!??!?!

9) A kiss on the beach. Me and my lady.

- Tic Tac Gum

2006-03-15T17:12:00.000-05:00

I think Tic Tac should come out with a gum. I just had a piece of gum in my mouth and popped in a few tic tacs without realizing it and wasn't entirely disappointed with the outcome.

Gum Tacs? how does that sound? a little bit crunchy in the gum they are but in a good way. and bursts of peppermint and shit blasting in your mouth. bitch!

- OFF TO ARGENTINA

2006-03-01T00:11:00.000-05:00

Yeah no shit.

Out of nowhere I'm off to South America to vacation for a week. I'm pretty psyched as I haven't been anywhere warm for vacation since going to the Bahamas with my parents in like 5th grade. My brother and I insisted on bringing our Nintendo and customs almost arrested us thinking it was some kind of explosive devise. The best memory on that vacation other than seeing the set where Thunderball was shot (a James Bond movie for you women) was me winning my dad a few hundred bucks in some electronic horse race game. My pops gave me a roll of $20 for my efforts. Talk about getting the shaft.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning with Jordana because she just got this super sweet new job as a culinary writer starting on the 13th. We have a few days to kick around so decided on Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Good photos and stories to share soon.

- THREE THINGS TO LISTEN TO WHICH WON'T CHANGE YOUR LIFE WHATSOEVER

2006-02-24T14:57:00.000-05:00

1) I called up the company who makes the candy, Sour Patch today because I bought a bag and I swear to you there was no sour taste to be had. I wasn't rude or anything, just letting them know. The woman I spoke with took my call quite seriously and informed me that sometimes "Batches of the Sour Patches sometimes have problems." I figured better this problem then a rat feces issue. She didn't think that was amusing.

I was informed by the good people at Cadbury Schweppes TM (makers of Sour Patch) that I would be sent a few bags of replacement patches. Joy.

I'm off the smokes. Haven't had a cigarette in 7 days which explains my new found fascination with gum/mentos/sucking candy. Mentos are good. All of these things get nauseating after awhile. I'm not like totally hooked or anything but I do like to go through a few pieces of gum or tic tacs a day, particularly when walking outside.

2) I did my taxes today and got about $1,100 back which is pretty sweet. Last year the woman who did them had breath so horribly fetid that I had to sit pretty far away from her. It was kinda painful. I remember wishing that humans had their noses on the back of their heads instead of the front so I could talk to her and see her..But not smell her. Weird thing is, I was kinda pissed that she wasn't there this year.

This afternoon a heavy set middle age woman prepared them for me. She boasted about how fast she does them. Doesn't "dilly dally," she said. I was thinking yeah that sounds great and all but you aren't cooking a hamburger for me you're preparing my taxes. Speedy service is nice from the coffee cart guy but as for my taxes I don't need a rush job. She smelled of olive oil. I wanted to rub focaccia on her face but only had a slice of brioche in my pants.

3) I have one long strange eyebrow hair which has been a recurring issue for me. It hibernates within the pack of regular length eyebrow blades but occasionally feels the need to break free from the restraints of the masses and make his presence felt. It is longer and slightly lighter in color. I think the follicle is bad. Does that sound right? I usually tweeze him out of there and then nibble it down like a thin breadstick. I don't really like eating eyebrow hair but throwing it in the trash seems such a waste of an oddity like this. I didn't tweeze it this time because I wanted to take a picture in the bathroom. I went in there in preparation to do a closeup but then was sidetracked because I felt like I was looking good in the mirror, and did a small series of self portraits. I'll have to go back and get a shot of the hair and post it here, but for now u can just look at the normal me (the lone hair has blended back in the crowd don't even try to search for him you can't find it!).

- YELLOW SNOW AND A FITTER ME

2006-02-13T16:32:00.000-05:00

I was walking to work today, navigating through the 2 plus feet of snow we got dumped on us this weekend. I noticed a fairly decent amount of yellow snow on my walk to work. This means there's normally a lot more dog pee on my streets when there isn't snow to bring it to my attention. I just didn't realize how many dogs are peeing all over. At least I think it was dogs doing it.

Park Slope Snow:

No visible pee marks in that photo I know..that isn't my thing taking pictures of pee-pee.

I had my first personal training session yesterday and boy did I get my ass kicked. I have to say it was one of the most intense workouts I've ever had. I was doing bicycle kick crunches and jumping rope. I boxed and kicked and almost passed out. I even threw a medicine ball. My thighs and ass are sore today (from the workout I mean..wait that still doesn't sound right).

I had one of those small bags of Combos (the nacho cheese pretzel kinds) in my pocket and would slip them in my mouth like a crack addict everytime my trainer would look away. Smoking was tough during the entire session but I slipped a smoke in while I was on the treadmill. Sweet.

I'm getting a bunch of sessions in exchange for photography I'll be doing for the gym in Park Slope, which is a nice deal. I like the barter thing for my photography skills. I recently did an hour of shooting for Cafe Mozart in exchange for a dinner certificate there. You can see a few pictures HERE.

- CONEY ISLAND = NATHAN'S HOT DOGS AND SKEEBALL

2006-02-05T22:24:00.000-05:00

Friday night I was headed back to Brooklyn with my girl Jordana. We had reached our subway stop and I stepped out. We were going to grab a bite to eat and then meet up with some friends for a drink.

She grabbed my arm and with wide open eyes said, "Let's go to Coney Island!" How could I resist? The weather wasn't particularly cold and we hadn't really planned anything concrete yet. What a great idea I thought..and jumped back into the train as the doors began to close.

On the ride there we harassed some poor guy, but not so bad that he didn't move seats. If someone actually gets up and moves you know you're really annoying. He wouldn't take a strawberry Mento from me I had one several times though.

Coney Island is home to Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs, which we ate 2 of each. I tried a chili cheese dog but had to wipe the cheese off with a fork because it tasted like yellow bird shit. The fries were pretty good though.

After our dogs we played some skeeball (which Jordana whooped me in) and I asked the guy who worked there to give us two sheriff badges for our 25 points in tickets, although they normally cost at least that just for one. I never would have thought when I was younger that you could just say, "Hey dude we just dropped 5 bucks playing these games could you maybe give us an extra piece of plastic that costs maybe 3 cents for free?" He said, "Sure, no problem." Sweet.

I was then forced under orders from the new sheriff in town to play Dance Dance Revolution. It was a rather pathetic display. Obviously. But by the second round I was getting the hang of it (a little bit).

I wouldn't have thought Coney Island could be fun in February. I doubt it is normally, just depends on the company you're with.....

- MY BIRTHDAY

2006-01-24T13:30:00.000-05:00

God I'm 30 can you believe it? Kinda depressing but kinda like so what..don't feel any different.

I thought my sock was just uncomfortably positioned on my commute to work today but then I realized it must be something else. So I took my shoe off when I got to my cubicle and saw there was a rubber band inside my shoe. AH HA! better than finding a bunch of razor blades I suppose.

For my birthday today the word of the day, on a vocabulary calendar a friend at work gave me as a present is:

haptic
\'hap-tik\ adj: relating to or based on the sense of touch

Mark could differentiate the various kinds of yarn purely by haptic clues.

I sat for a minute and thought to myself that this wasn't a very good word of the day for my birthday..quite boring in fact. I don't like it at all! Attempting to find a more fitting word I decided to flip randomly to one that would really say something to me. I was looking for a sign, something dramatic, something momentous! I stopped flipping on May 21. The word was:

zwieback \'swe-,bak\ n: a usually sweetened bread enriched with eggs that is backed and then sliced and toasted until dry and crisp

Our favorite cheesecake recipe calls for finely crushed zwieback crumbs for the crust.

- GETTING MY HAIRCUT

2006-01-23T23:12:00.000-05:00

I know what you're thinking from the title of this. You're thinking "Wow this is going to be one gosh darn exciting post!"

Well right you are. And you're also a moron for using phrases like, "gosh darn" in your thoughts. Idiot.

I got my haircut Friday for the first time in over a month. I know from this picture it doesn't look too long but trust me it was.

My barbershop is a great little old school establishment on Court Street. Inside you find a little old Italian man speaking broken English and his partner, a Russian woman who also speaks broken English.

On Friday I arrived a little before 6PM and was almost turned away. Russian woman just shook her head and said "no" when she saw me opening the door. My old Italian friend though, told me to take a seat and he would take care of me even though they were closing up. Then the two of them began arguing as they usually do. I think they argue in English because neither speak the others tongue of origin, but I have no idea how they understand each other because I can't really make out more than every 3rd word.

When it was my turn in the chair, he started yelling about his partner who had already gone home at that point. I sat listening and nodded my head (when the scissors weren't too close of course). I always sit there and listen to him talk a few words but mostly he just works and I thank him afterwards. Haircut is $10 and I give a $2 tip.

When he finished cutting he walked over to get the mirror to show me the back and asked me if the length was ok, as he usually does. I ran my fingers through my luxurious chesnut hair with auburn highlights, but before I even said anything he started yelling at me.

"Why your fingers have to touch to feel?" or something to that effect he said. He was mad that I even had to check the length. He yelled something about cutting hair for thirty plus years and knows better than me. He said everyone do that, and mimicked me touching my hair.

I gotta admit I was kinda scared.

He then said, "You go home check if no then never come back, good?" I took that to mean if I checked my hair when I got home and was not satisfied I wouldn't ever have to come back. I told him my hair was fine and I just like to run my fingers through afterwards, just to feel. Then he pointed to the ground and said "Look at all that hair I cut!"

I said yeah man that's a lotta hair! good job.

He never even let me see the back of my head. He had put the mirror back without showing me it which was fine, I just wanted to get out of there. I paid and thanked him. He smiled at me and told me to have a good weekend.

- AIM ROBOTS

2006-01-23T00:25:00.000-05:00

AOL Instant messenger has these bots which you can use now. One is a "Shopping Buddy" and one is a "Moviefone" bot. They show up online all the time and you can send them an instant message and inquire about anything having to do with shopping for the former or movies with the latter.

My conversation tonight:

Me: Hi stinkybutt

ShoppingBuddy: Welcome. Now you can search for products with AOLShopping. Type main to get started. To read our privacy policy, type privacy anytime.

Me: ha you're funny.

ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...

ShoppingBuddy:
- Search results for ha funny

- Ha! Ha! Ha! [$2.95 - $5.95]
- Funny Ha Ha - DVD [$14.99 - $21.99]

Me: How about the movie Fast times at your moms house

ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...

ShoppingBuddy:
- Search results for fast times moms house

- Help Wanted for Busy Moms [$8.99]

Me: fucku

ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...

ShoppingBuddy:
- Search results for fucku

- Fuck You, This Is Rice [$5.99 - $6.99]
- What The Fuck Will Change? [$11.49 - $13.98]
- Fuck World Trade [Digipak] * [$10.66 - $15.98]
- I'll Shut Up When You Fuck Off * [$5.00]
- Fuck The System * [$16.62 - $36.49]
- Fuck Me Then Get Out [$7.95]
- Straightedge As Fuck III [$6.99 - $13.98]
- Amped The Fuck Up [$6.99 - $13.99]
- Fuck Me Harder White Boy #2 [$26.95]

Me: fuck

ShoppingBuddy: Clean it up a little -- this is a family bot. ;-)

Me: clean it up a little? you just sent me a link for "Straightedge As Fuck III" ?! I don't even know what the fuck that is? and they made three of them? even more preposterous!

ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...

ShoppingBuddy: I didn't find any specific products. Try searching again or type M for the Main Menu.

Me: yeah that's what I thought. ass licker

ShoppingBuddy: Hey -- clean up the language and get serious. I'm happy to help but can't deal with that mouth.

Me: oh but you can sell me "Fuck Me Then Get Out" for $7.95?

ShoppingBuddy: Hmm, that's not gonna get you anywhere with me.

Me: dude you SAID THAT TO ME!

ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...

ShoppingBuddy:
- Search results for dude SAID

- Diaper Dude Charcoal Diaper Bag w [$49.99]
- Diaper Dude Camoflauge Bag [$49.00]
- Diaper Dude Charcoal Diaper Bag w [$44.99]
- Diaper Dude Diaper Diva - Pink Ca [$53.99]
- Black Diaper Dude Bag [$49.00]
- Diaper Dude Camo Kai Diaper Bag C [$53.99]
- Diaper Dude Pink Camouflage [$58.00]
- Diaper Dude Faux Suede Diaper Bag [$89.99]

Me: hmm diaperdude charcoal diaper bag.. ok so maybe we have something in common. I like you ShoppingBuddy. I'm wearing grey boxers with a dirty white t-shirt.

ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...

ShoppingBuddy:
- Search results for wearing grey boxers dirty white shirt

- Sloggi Power low coverage brief [$17.00]

Me: send me a picture of you. cybersex?

ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...

ShoppingBuddy:
- Search results for cybersex

- The Joy of Cybersex [$7.82 - $12.92]
- Online Friendship, Chat-Room Roma [$2.00]
- Cybersex by Kimberly Young (2001) [$4.26]
- The Joy of Cybersex by Nancy Tamo [$4.26]
- Cybersex [$22.23 - $31.91]
- Cybersex Guide [$15.65 - $19.44]
- Self-Games and Body-Play [$27.85 - $33.00]

Me: you nasty bot you.. stop typing with one finger

ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...

ShoppingBuddy:
- Search results for nasty bot typing one finger

- Bissell SpotBot Hands-Free Compac [$129.99]
- Marvel 8" Human Torch Tech Bot [$8.99]
- Marvel 8" Human Torch Tech Bot [$8.99]
- Robot-Bot-Bot by Fernando Krahn ( [$12.20]
- Michelangelo by Marc Le Bot (1995 [$50.00]
- Transformers Go-Bots: Beast-Bot F [$14.99]

Me: ok that Transformers G0-Bots Beast-Bot just did it for me..I'm done thank you!

ShoppingBuddy: Sure, that's what I'm here for!

- FLICKR

2006-01-19T10:21:00.000-05:00

Over at flickr there's a group I'm a member of named, DeleteMe Uncensored. The group consists of members who submit a photograph into a pool and then other members vote to either Save or Delete that picture from the pool.

If you reach 10 deletes your picture is booted out and you can submit another one. It is basically a critiquing tool but incorporates a lot of humor and heavy doses of sarcasm as well. IF however you get 10 saves, your photograph is put into the Folio, a collection of saved images.

But you are also eligible to drop it into a new pool called the DM Gallery. This new gallery is different because the number of photographs cannot exceed 200. So when you get a shot saved you can submit it to the DM Gallery but you must remove a current photograph that you feel is the weakest of the 200.

The point is to create a stunning photostream containing 200 of the better images found on flickr. It's interesting because choosing that one picture to delete while adding your own is going to cause some friction between group members and most certainly hurt feelings.

The group just started so only a few shots have been deleted so far. Luckily none of my submissions have been booted yet but I'm sure a few will in the future.

- LATE GIFT FOR MY MAILPERSON

2006-01-10T15:21:00.000-05:00

MAILMAN/MAILWOMAN/MAIL CARRIER/MAILPERSON

Whichever.

This was the holiday/new years eve present I gave to my mailperson this morning. I scotch taped this piece of paper together with the $20 on the inside. I kept forgetting to get a card and give him/her (not sure who delivers my mail) a little gift and it's already the middle of January so I had to think fast this morning and came up with this..

On the front it just says, "TO MY MAILPERSON"

What a class act I am huh?

Hey it's the thought that counts right? Well the thought and for them the $20 so they don't pee in my mailbox anymore.

- RECENTLY

2006-01-09T15:58:00.000-05:00

Haven't thought of a good post in awhile and can't really now but I'll give you my sister and bro-in-law's cross country website they are updating as they drive from CA to CT. They are embarking on a year long traveling journey, spanning several continents. I will hopefully be meeting them up somewhere in Asia for a few weeks.

Oh and A was False, B was True

I bought a new camera lens so I can take nice portraits of my beautiful lady:

and shot a wedding on New Years Eve which was my first real paying gig that I was the hired gun:

- I AM A MASTER SUSHI CHEF

2005-12-29T16:46:00.000-05:00

Being a master sushi chef is not easy. You have to study for years and years to achieve that status. Even something as simple sounding as making sushi rice is an art that can be studied for countless hours. When you finally get to cutting actual raw fish..well forget about it.. you people just wouldn't understand.

I've come so long since my humble start as a fortune cookie writer, to bus boy, to waiter, and to finally got getting my shot behind the sushi bar.

People are hesitant seeing a white boy like me slicing their Toro up but when it melts in your mouth like that chocolate bar you had forgotten about in your back pocket on that scalding hot day in July and didn't notice it until you got home and sat down on your bed, well..... What was I saying? Oh yeah the sushi I make. It's fan-fucking-tastic.

- MTA TRANSIT STRIKE DAY III

2005-12-22T11:15:00.000-05:00

This strike isn't so bad for me. I've gotten rides to and from work from complete strangers all three days so far. Cabs are willing to take me over the Brooklyn Bridge for free in order to fill their mandatory 4 passengers between 5AM-11AM. My apartment is located in a prime position for cabs looking to pick up people before heading towards the bridge.

I just say "I got no money but need to go over the bridge" and they usually glance and me once and then say "just get in," and drop me off on the Manhattan side which leaves me a 5 minute walk to work.

Leaving work last night I spotted a dude driving a nice BMW and flagged him down to take me over the bridge. We had a nice chat about women, relationships, and Brooklyn, three things I enjoy talking about.

I realize what an inconvenience this for everyone but it does afford us an opportunity to meet different people and interact with fellow New Yorkers in a way we don't normally get to do.

- HOWARD STERN

2005-12-21T00:41:00.000-05:00

My sister got me a gig doing photography at the Howard Stern after party at Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square last Friday. This was my best shot of him that I managed by briefly borrowing an all access pass into the small area Howard was in. He looks a bit stunned which is understandable as he was signing autographs and doing interviews for about 3 hours straight. It was pretty crazy:

That shot was put on the main yahoo page today (I'm assuming my sister put it there) so that's pretty cool.

My sister blogged about the entire moving of his show from K-Rock to Sirius. You can check it out here.

She interviewed the entire staff cept for Howard, who was busy as hell all week. But she did manage to get a shot with him before the end of the day Friday.

Unfortunately that was like the one shot I didn't take! My sister got Artie to take it. When she asked, he informed her that he was holding a drink. She took his drink, handed him the camera and said something to the effect of, "Now I'm holding the drink so take the picture." He did. I think that picture got the most press so far including like over 14,000 views on flickr.

The funniest story of the entire ordeal came Thursday night. I stayed at my sisters hotel in Times Square for fear of the possible MTA strike on Friday (which was averted but only briefly as we all now know). She was busy with work all night so around 11PM I went out to do some street photography. The cold multicolored evening Manhattan streets were glazed with rain, which always makes for some nice shots:

After snapping off a few like that, I saw two guys who said hello and asked what I had been up to that night.

I said, "just shooting."

One guy said, "Is there a firing range around here?"

I said, "Uh I mean with my camera."

The one guy introduced himself and shook my hand. I asked what they were up to.

The same guy who asked the dumb question said, "We were just across the street at the Playpen."

I looked at my hand and asked in a semi-disgusted way, "Did you guys beat off in there?"

"Yeah" they both gleefully giggled.

I informed them how nasty that was and in an attempt to calm my nerves he said not to worry because they had, "washed up". That didn't really make me feel much better. I realized I wouldn't be able to touch anything with my right hand until getting back to the hotel to wash up proper. "Proper" meaning using bleach and acid on my hands.

After some more chitchat I realized that I was talking to Sal the Stockbroker from the Howard Stern Show, and Schuli, another Stern sidekick.

I immediately called my sister on my cell as I realized what a funny coincidence this was. The guys had just come back from Philly or somewhere doing a show and got back in the city to catch a quick film before going back to their hotel. The next morning they were to be on the final public broadcast of the Howard Stern show.

My sister and her friend/coworker Heather came downstairs and we all chatted for a few minutes before they hailed a cab. I had my sister take this picture of us:

Sal was a cool guy though and we hung out a bit at the party the following day. He had a huge crush on my sister and insisted on continually telling me how beautiful she was.

It was a great time. I shook hands with Ba Ba BOOEY, got a few close up shots of Sheryl Crow, and saw Martha Stewart introduce Howard to the crowd.

And to end the day I even managed to swing myself a picture with Robin.

- MTA STRIKE

2005-12-20T15:07:00.000-05:00

Well we got our strike. I know many people were secretly wishing for this or at least humming to themselves about how it might be a bit interesting.

I won't call this a tragedy, but 7 million people not using their normal daily means of travel is a major event. A crisis if you will, and that brings people together.

I slept in today realizing that if I was going to walk my ass to work in the freezing cold I deserve some extra zzzzz's. When I got outside I stuck my thumb out and got picked up by a nice man in a SAAB. Getting in I said, "Funny thing is if there wasn't a strike you never would have picked me up right?" He said he would have regardless. Then I realized he wasn't wearing pants.

Ok so he was wearing pants but he only drove me 5 blocks up and then said he had to turn onto another street which was the opposite direction for me. I got out and thanked him.

From there I walked to the Brooklyn Bridge and hitched another ride over with a Jeep that had 3 people in it. The guy who owned the car had hand-written notes on the back windows actually seeking passengers. This is because you need at least 4 people in your car to cross over the bridge between 5AM-11AM. The time was coming up on 11AM by the time I got in their car.

I got in and thanked him. There was a Russian guy they had picked up in Sunset Park and the drivers girlfriend was in the front passenger seat. We never got checked for having 4 people so I admit I was a little nervous that they were going to kick me out of the car after getting onto the bridge. But they didn't and it was a nice pleasant ride in. Everyone smelled nice.

UPDATE: Tonight I hitch-hiked a ride home almost the entire way from a nice couple who played Spanish music the entire ride. It was pretty relaxing I even fell asleep for a few minutes.

- GOOD PEOPLE

2005-12-13T22:48:00.000-05:00

6:12PM. Me. Rushing towards my F train transfer at the Essex street stop. Carefully nudging pedestrians around me in an attempt to catch my train home. There be a fine line between straight up shoving and the graceful-rushed-glide that I have managed to perfect like I was a 14 year old Russian ice skating Olympian.

Sometimes I do wish I was a young Russian girl. Other times I brush my teeth with ivory sooooap. Notice how the extra ooo's give the word a bubble type soapy feel? Isn't there a definition for that in the English language? "Fucking Stupid!" yeah that's the word!

Where was I?

Oh right the subway. I slid down the stairs like a (insert perverted sexual analogy here).

I heard the doors closing as I made my final turn and mad dash for the train. About 5 feet away now! I leapt and extended my leg almost into a split and caught the door at the last possible moment with my foot.

YES! FRIGGING-A DUDE I MADE IT!!! For those who don't know, if you manage to hold the door the operator will eventually open them (almost always). They can't move the train until all doors are closed.

I was waiting, watching the door and my foot. Then I heard, "You could have just yelled out for me to hold the doors." It was the conductor who happened to be sticking his head out of the same car I had my foot in. I didn't realize it but he was literally 2 feet away from where I was standing, shaking his head at me.

Humbled, I bowed my head and said, "Sorry can you open the doors please." He did and I stepped in. In a second my triumphant feat was washed away with a simple head shaking.

Speaking of triumphant feet I need to wash mine they stink.

Anyway. On the train I starting thinking about the fact I should have just asked but then realized that most of the time when you ask the operators will just ignore you and take off anyway. When I got out at my stop I told the guy that and he said, "Yeah you're right man I realize that. But I would have opened it for you."

I said, "Well that's because you're a good guy. More people should be like you." He smiled and wished me a happy holiday.

good people.

- FACT OR FICTION II

2005-12-05T15:31:00.000-05:00

Part two in my installment of this popular game. The home version is available here: Show them what they've won!

Ok so actually that was just Part I, the original post.

Anyway let's play. Again.

I will create two scenarios/scenes/situation/thoughts/ideas or whatever. One will be undoubtedly True and the other will be positively False. You guess which is which. I will leave the answer in the comments section eventually. Maybe.

A)

I went to lunch today with a friend from work. It was one of those deli sandwich/salad places which are quite common in my downtown area. We were on line waiting to order while a woman next to us was paying for her sandwich: Roast beef with swiss, lettuce, tomato, red onion, and mayo. I made the comment to my friend, "That sounds good maybe I'll get that."

The woman must have overheard me and kinda smiled while giving me a smirking wink/nod like she was my grandfather congratulating me on figuring out a puzzle. There's only so much credit one can give themselves or in my case accept about two random people having similar good taste in a deli sandwich. In the grand scheme of things it really means nothing.

Or does it? Wait and see.

After paying for her sandwich I guess her cell phone started vibrating and she grabbed for it and began talking quite frantically to whomever was on the other line. I'm still not sure if the news was good or bad but obviously it was something which provoked her enough to hang up the phone and prepare to run out of the deli. Before she did though she handed the sandwich to me and said, "I know you were going to order this anyway so take it, I have to run and don't have time to eat right now."

I took that sandwich and ate it. But the thing I never got to tell the woman is that I would have put it on a hard roll, not white bread. That crazy bitch.

B)

I was on the subway last night snugly wedged between a sleeping woman and an old Russian man who smelled like oranges for some reason.

I knew he was Russian from the paper he was reading.

I knew he smelled of oranges because he smelled like fucking oranges.

A homeless woman entered the scene and began her well rehearsed plea for some change, any change, to help her get something to eat. As she made her way through the car a nice gentleman gave her a dollar bill. She continued on her path and then stopped, backtracked and stood a few feet away from this kind soul who gave her the money.

She looked up at something above her and starred for awhile. Several people in the car were quiet, their eyes transfixed upon this woman. She stood and starred..For awhile (like I just mentioned before).

Then she looked down at the guy and gave him back his dollar. He was obviously dumbfounded, as was I. He looked around with an awkward smile painted on his face and put the dollar back in his pocket.

Then I looked up to see what the woman was starring at. What could she have seen that changed her mind about taking the money? I was expecting to see some kind of religious poster or scribbling or I don't know what I thought I would see. Then I saw it.

An ad for a local technical community college. That was it. What the fuck?

- LETTER TO MY MAILMAN ABOUT MISSING NETFLIX DVDS

2005-12-04T15:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Mailperson,

When I receive certain small packages in red envelope, they are DVDs that I sometimes have issues getting lately.

The other day I saw one outside my mailbox on the ledge. I realize I had some larger catalogues and magazines in my mail and you couldn't fit everything into my mailbox, but please if you could just make sure to put those red pieces of mail within my box.

Thank you.

PS. I had just moved here around Christmas time last year and did not leave you a gift but I plan on it this year.

Thanks again,

Daniel Krieger

- NOW THAT I DO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND

2005-12-01T13:59:00.000-05:00

Well the last post was mocking my lack of ladies skills. But to balance that I will give an example of something that just happened 10 minutes ago.

I was reaching for the elevator doors at work as they were closing. A woman who was already inside hit the button to reopen the doors so I could make it. I thanked her and said, "Well thank you. Consider that your one good deed for today" and smiled.

She said, "I can do much better than that."

I'm still not sure what she meant but she probably wasn't looking for my response which was, "Oh no I'm serious most people don't even have that for one day..I think it was really nice."

It wasn't till I was out of the elevator that I thought oh wait..maybe she was talking bad-dirty-nasty. The way she said it was a bit sly and savvy like.

Or maybe it wasn't. I guess this is another post that shows my lack of ladies skills. so there really was no balancing from this story. Nice.

- BEFORE I HAD A GIRLFRIEND

2005-11-28T10:14:00.000-05:00

Wrote this a few months ago never posted it. Since I've been so lazy on my blog I guess something is better than nothing right? RIGHT?!

Things not to say on a date:
"I'm wearing my lucky corrective shoes."

Things you don't want to hear your date say:
"I like my men like my coffee, strong, black, and with a nutty aftertaste."

Walking into the Laundromat tonight I noticed a young woman come in right after me. As I was paying for my laundry, she handed her ticket to the man at the counter. He walked back to get her drycleaning so I had a few seconds to think of something droll to say, some type of conversation starter. I leaned towards her and whispered, "So do you tip when you pick up?"

"No, I never have," she quietly shuffled her words back to me, looking down at her feet. As I was about to continue I noticed the proprietor had already gotten back to the front desk and was standing there with her laundry.

I wasn't sure if he heard us but there is a good chance since the store is pretty small. Without even acknowledging I was speaking to her, I grabbed my cloths and left without saying another word to anyone. And no I didn't leave a tip of course because I'm a cheap bastard. I don't think the girl was planning on it either as I glanced back from the door to see her stuffing all of her change into her purse.

Since I was the first outside I needed to slow my pace so I pretended to have trouble adjusting my laundry bag into a comfortable position to walk home with, but realized this would make me look silly and I couldn't keep it up for too long. I instead grabbed my cell phone, opened it, and started speaking into it.

Me: "Oh hey what are you doing?"
(Me imagining what my friend would be saying back): "Nothing much just got home from work and wanted to see what you were up to?"
Me: "Yea nothing much just picked up my laundry and I'm on the way home."

I got tired of this conversation so I began literally mouthing words but not actually making audible noises since no one else was around to hear me. I realize it didn't matter, this was just to provide visual proof that I have friends to call me and am not a complete loser.

Then I started talking out loud again into the phone.

Me: "Yeah I'm just talking to myself waiting for this girl to come out of the Laundromat so I can take up the tipping conversation with her again. But she's taking awhile to actually leave the store and I feel like an idiot. I should hang up now."

She walked outside and in an obvious effort, crossed the street to the other side when she saw me and walked away.

- OF COURSE I DIDN'T HAVE MY CAMERA

2005-11-18T15:15:00.000-05:00

I had just stepped out to lunch and was coming back with my Bun Ga Cary (chicken curry soup with noodles for you whitefolk) as I came upon a swarm of photographers staked out in front of a courthouse on Lafayette street. Remember the thing where he threw his cellphone at a hotel clerk dude and it actually cut the guy? I think it was something like that.

I struck up a conversation with a man who had a similar digital Nikon camera as me, although his was more advanced and cost about an extra 2 grand. He was a "celebrity chaser" or whatever he called it (aka paparazzi). We talked awhile and he seemed really cool. We mostly talked cameras.

I asked what he was doing there. "Waiting for Russell Crowe." First thing I thought was damn I almost brought my camera out with me for lunch but opted not to because it's flippin cold outside.

Right then a black SUV pulled up near where I was standing and about 100 photographers came running like crazed wolves towards the car. I moved very quickly out of the way as I was basically in the line of fire. For the next five minutes Russell Crowe and several bodyguards sllllllllllowwwwwwwwwwwly moved towards the front door of the court building.

It was like Crowe was a large magnet and the photographers were pulled in towards him, moving in unison.

It was INSANE. Bodyguards formed a small circle around him and were knocking people down. Photographers were swooping in and out and pushing each other around like they were going for the last loaf of bread on the planet.

I was in awe and just shocked really. I've never been right in the middle of a melee but that's basically what it was. The whole time Russell slowly walked not speaking a cent, his sharp suit talking for him. Bright flashes of light continually bounced off his mirrored sunglasses.

Afterwards even the photographers were filled with adrenalin. It was an intense scene. Inside Edition and a few other papers were interviewing a raving photographer who claimed he had been thrown to the pavement and held down by someone.

The two shots I got are terrible I know because I only had my camera phone. Later on I caught up with the guy I had been speaking to and he showed me the shots he took, which were great and will probably be online within the next few hours he said.

Oh and the Bun Ga Cary was great and still hot when I got back to work..mmmm

terrible I know. Crowe is in there somewhere. I could only get so close and didn't want to get stomped on.

Photographer after the scene, claiming physical abuse.

- MY MOM

2005-11-17T22:49:00.000-05:00

Yo my mom's like an artist and shit. dig?

But seriously go to her new site and support her especially if you've been leaching off my fucking website for the brilliant humor and amazing photography for the past year or so.

Buy something for yourself if you're a chick or if you're a dude you should get this for your girl (before you slap her on the ass and have her get you a beer).

http://www.cafepress.com/she_threads

serious editors note:

Mi madre is into feminine empowerment in her art now. I think that's pretty cool.

- YEAH I KNOW I SUCK

2005-11-16T01:10:00.000-05:00

Cause I haven't been writing much at all. Mostly photography these days and I got offered to do a wedding gig for a friend on New Years Eve actually. And it's PAID!!! wooowwwooooo!!!

That's from a few weekends ago at my friend Brad's wedding. I wasn't the photographer but will be giving a few shots like that to him as a present. This one is my favorite.

The wedding was in San Diego. I thought the city was pretty lame but I'm not really a beach person and I suppose that is one of the great selling factors of it. Every restaurant and bar we went to lacked the intimacy found in other cities (not just NYC) that I've been to. It was antiseptic and just kinda bland with enormous ceilings in these huge buildings.

We did however go to Tijuana which was another story. That city is pretty damn dirty even though the streets were cleaner than you would believe. Every 10 feet a guy would say, "You need a cab? cab? cab?" as we would keep walking the final attempt to sell us something came as, "a whore maybe?"

Ok so no whores but I did get to wear this hat and poncho while this dude threw up some Mexican Gangsta sign.

I wrote a post about walmart a few weeks back and my buddy effers was nice enough to tell me about a new film that just came out about walmart titled, "Wal-mart: The High Cost of Low Price". I went with Jordana tonight and we left with about a half hour left.

It wasn't terrible but it wasn't anything I haven't heard before and there was really nothing compelling or powerful about the film. I think I've seen at least 2 things similar which were presented in an hour format. A full length 90 minute film has to be more interesting than that was.

Jordana took what is probably my favorite picture of myself this weekend which I shall share with you:

She took me shopping to get this boy some decent threads. I've been wearing shirts that are way to big and pants that are about 6 inches too large for the past 6 months..so even though I put up quite a fight it was necessary.

Funny together thing. By MPM and SS

2005-11-07T16:19:00.000-05:00

Many moons ago there lived a rabid drooling beast named Nerak. Nerak drove a horse and buggy for a living. She always felt out of place among the other drivers because unlike Nerak, they seldom sharpened their fangs upon the street lamps in between rides.

One day Nerak picked up a purple person named Plimpton. Plimpton plowed ponies with a pointy pencil. Upon finding this bit of information out, Nerak promptly told Plimton to please leave her cab. Enraged, Plimpton drew his weapon, a freshly sharpened #2 from his lapel pocket, and began to probe the ponie's anus with the offending utensil. Nerak knew she and her horse were in danger so quickly unleased her flying fangs to do battle with the pointy pencil.

But this isn't a story about a ponie's anus, nor is it a story about pointy pencils, purple people, or tooth sharpening, or even drooling beasts. This is really a tale about my uncle TomTom the man who lives in his 78 volkswagon. The man who, I recently discovered is not in fact my uncle, but my father....and my brother.

Actually no, he's none of those things, he's actually my achilles tendon I mean heel. Just kidding...he's my dad-bro.

the end

WAL-MART FUCKING SUCKS

2005-10-26T11:21:00.000-04:00

Not that my subject title is a news update but I just read an article published today which in part read:

"An internal memo sent to Wal-Mart's board of directors proposes numerous ways to hold down spending on health care and other benefits while seeking to minimize damage to the retailers reputation. Among the recommendations are hiring more part-time workers and discouraging unhealthy people from working at Wal-Mart.

In the memorandum, M. Susan Chambers, Wal-Mart's executive vice president for benefits, also recommends reducing 401(k) contributions and wooing younger, and presumably healthier, workers by offering education benefits. The memo voices concern that workers with seven years' seniority earn more than workers with one year's seniority, but are no more productive. "

What a great company. I have read and heard so many awful things about Wal-Mart and this just ads to the list. They are the equivalent of an unsupervised third world sweatshop that padlocks it's doors and makes seamstresses pee in bags underneath their desk to avoid taking time to use the restroom.

How much shittier can they treat their employees I mean seriously? People make, "an average of $17,500 a year and could face out-of-pocket expenses of $2,500 a year or more for health benefits"

All you conservatives out there who think this is bitching and moaning and that the world needs ditch diggers too, just try to imagine yourself living on your own on that salary. And don't even think about raising a family on that type of money.

I haven't bought anything from them in years and probably never will again. Fuck Wal-Mart.

CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIES

2005-10-24T10:43:00.000-04:00

I love my fortunes but always wish I could write one's for other people. Here are a few ideas I had. Anyone wishing to contribute in the comments section, please do.

- May your sex life be spicy, like our chicken curry.

- The love of your life will be swayed by your beauty and charm, and lot's of alcohol.

- You can move mountains with your persistence, or heavy machinery.

- Your wife is cheating on you, with me. Yes me, the fortune cookie writer guy.

- Yes we re-use the crispy noodles.

- What you lack in skill you make up with ignorance.

- The guy behind you is touching himself with chopsticks.

- Karate is an art form, but not when white people do it.

- That warm feeling in your belly is love. Well, love or a bad batch of dumplings.

- Low lighting is your friend. (this one I may have heard somewhere now that I'm re-reading it).

- Stay close to a bathroom if you ordered the lobster fried rice (it wasn't lobster).

- A new name will bring you luck. Like with ours after the dept of health closed us down and reopened under a new one.

- WEEKENDS

2005-10-06T12:02:00.000-04:00

Haven't posted in awhile. Been busy with photography moreso than writing of late.

Check out my new slideshow I just reorganized and added some pics to HERE.

Weekend before last I went to Chicago for my best friend's 30th birthday party. Got to fly first class both ways (he works for the airline and gets me buddy passes) so that was pretty smooth, dude.

The party on Saturday night was quite the scene

I managed to bang out about 370 pictures in one day which is a record for me. Of course you don't get many good shots with that high volume but a few came out nice. Here's my boy Nindorf, who's party it was:

I had a really good time. I got really really drunk as well because we did a 2 hour all you can drink for 30 bucks thing. I had a lot of crown and cokes during that time period which made me take shots like this :)

nice.

So last weekend I went apple/peach/pumpkin pickin' with Jordana, my gal. I'm normally not the type to go apple pickin' what with the outdoors and bugs and snot nosed children and all...But we had a really great time. The farm people were quite insistent that you "pay for what you pick" and had signs everywhere saying so:

At one point Jordana wanted to sit down under some apple trees and just relax but I was nervous. I said "I don't really want to sit on the ground." She said "What's wrong with you? Stop being such a city boy."

I didn't know what was on that ground.

I didn't want to get my jeans dirty.

I ended up sitting down.

I turned my head and about 3 feet away from us was an almost completely decomposed carcass of a deer.

We both immediately got up and ran away but she went back and took a picture of it which I will post tomorrow because I don't have it online right now. To tide you over here's a picture of Jordana and I:

- A TALE OF TWO TUNAS

2005-09-28T10:26:00.000-04:00

Last night I was walking home from work and stopped at a wonderful fish shop named Fish Tales on Court street in the neighborhood that borders mine. The fish mongers there are masters of their game. They know everything you could ask about and the store just gives off a great vibe. The shop is clean and has no fishy odor smell in it because they buy fresh every single day and get the highest grade possible.

This also means that the prices are not exactly cheap.

And I wanted Tuna.

Tuna be one pricey mother f'in fish ya know.

I think the price was $18-19 a pound because it's Sushi Grade, meaning as the man told me, "You could take a bite out of it right now." He then had to slap my hand away as I reached for the Tuna to do as instructed. I guess he meant hypothetically I could do that when I got home, if I wanted to.

I ended up not buying the fish because I wasn't going straight home and didn't want to walk around with a pound of 19 dollar tuna in my bag for the next hour. I might go back tonight and pick some up on my way home.

After finishing some other errands and heading home, I stopped in another fish store that was closer to my apartment. This one doesn't have quite the appeal of Fish Tales but seems to do good business.

As I entered the store I realized it was already closed. The fish was gone from the stainless steel trays but still an aroma wafted into my nostrils as I walked in.

There was a man standing there who said abruptly, "We're closed." I realized that but was just wondering if they sold tuna and how much per pound it was. "$9.99" was his response. I thought wow that is a HUGE price difference. For that price I might even feed Mingus some.

Then I realized he was standing there over the steel trays, smoking a cigarette inside. I was a little shocked. I asked if that tuna was sushi grade. He said yes it was.

Then by accident his cigarette slipped out of his mouth, first dropping on his shirt and then falling onto the floor. He just said "Whoops."

I thanked him and walked out.

UPDATE:

Yesterday during lunch I was walking around Chinatown with a friend. I normally hold my nose when passing by the open air fish shops because there is a pungent fishy aroma that really pierces the olfactory senses.

I had to stop though, and ask if they sold yellowfin tuna. Yes they did. Guess how much it was there? GUESS DAMMIT! $3.80 a pound!

WHAT?!?!?!

So basically tuna, which you would think shouldn't vary that much in price goes from:
- $19 a pound and the fancy pants place
- $10 a pound at the cigarette smoke shop
- $3.80 a pound at the stink-o-rama Canal Street fish spot.

I was confused and well... just mostly confused. Oh and hungry too.

I ended up choosing the middle of the three. The guy who apparently uses the shop as his personal ash tray wasn't there and it smelled okie dokie. A nice woman gave me a pound of fresh looking pink tuna which I promptly brought home and seared for a few minutes on each side in a bit of canola oil, after lightly patting it in salt and pepper of course.

I then prepared a reduction of chopped ginger, garlic, rice wine vinegar, and soy sauce until it became a syrupy consistency and drizzled it over the tuna.

Also made a nice mango salsa and pan fried string beans with olive oil and minced garlic...and had a nice dinner with a lady friend.

Looking back now the title should be "A Tale of Three Tuna's" but I'm not going to change it. Sorry

- WHY IT'S FUN TO TALK TO ME ON INSTANT MESSENGER PART IX

2005-09-22T14:32:00.000-04:00

Each is a seperate start to a conversation

Monty Burns 101: yo limpy
jojothemoose: nice

Monty Burns 101: yo floppy noodles
jojothemoose: YO

Monty Burns 101: mein lipschtickel
jojothemoose: nice

MontyBurns101: what's up Chief Flugelhorn
jojothemoose: nice
jojothemoose: what are you doing?
Monty Burns 101: Teaching a monkey how to ride on miniature water skis.
jojothemoose: Dude what ru talking about?
Monty Burns 101: Oh sorry,
Monty Burns 101: I thought you asked me what i wished i was doing.

- FACT OR FICTION

2005-09-16T11:33:00.000-04:00

Let's play a little game, shall we? If this proves popular I may make it into an ongoing bit.

I will create two scenarios/scenes/situation/thoughts/ideas or whatever. One will be undoubtedly True and the other will be positively False. You guess which is which. I will leave the answer in the comments section eventually. Maybe.

A) Today I was approached by a young woman trying to get people to sign her petition for Gay and Lesbian rights. While I am wholeheartedly a proponent of Gay rights, I wasn't in the mood to be stopped, lectured, and coerced to give out personal information. I said to her in a terrible but apparently successful Italian accent, "Uhhh I no speak that English very GOOD?" She apologized for stopping me and walked away. Towards the end of the street I came upon her partner, a young man, who started the same spiel and I did it again. He stopped me before I even reached the "very GOOD" part and also apologized.

B) I had done some grocery shopping during my lunch hour yesterday and on the way home I passed by a homeless man sitting on a corner. I don't normally give out money because I'm never sure what they do with it. If by chance though I happen to have food on me I am usually willing to share something. In my grocery bag I had just bought some fruit and vegetables, nothing really prepared though. I don't know why but I took out a good sized eggplant I had bought and gave it to the man. He thanked me and put it on the ground next to him like it was a pet. I walked away and realized I probably should have just given him one of the apples I had bought instead.

So A) or B)
Which one is true which is false?

- NEW YORK CITY MAYORAL RACE

2005-09-14T15:52:00.000-04:00

I don't think I've ever been as excited about watching a political news clip as I was last night.

Two dudes are in the final running to represent the Democratic party for Mayor of NYC. One Fernando Ferrer, who I think is going to wind up being current Mayor Boombergs sole opponent and Anthony Weiner.

The clip I'm spanking of was shown last night, for the democratic challenger Anthony Weiner. His crowd of supporters were raucously chanting, "WEINER! WEEEEINER! WEEEEINER!"

I loved it. It wasn't laugh out loud funny because it's clearly obvious the word weiner brings to mind hot dogs, wankers, dongs and dingys.

It was the subtly of the humor to me because I know deep down inside everyone who was at that rally chanting, had to consciously suppress the visuals and reality of his last name. You just can't fool yourself to thinking that the name Weiner is a normal last name like Schultz or Brooks or Rodriguez.

In a way I envy a man or woman who can stand there and proudly shout out that word, because I know I certainly could not do it.

To update: I just read that Weiner bowed out of the race, stating that the only time he would throw his hat back in the ring is if his challenger was named Ballsack.

- TYPING OLYMPICS

2005-09-12T10:33:00.000-04:00

Again more conversations to share. I'm always interested in people's different reactions to something I say. So on occasion I will send out the same opening line to several friends to get their reactions.

And don't worry I always change the screename except for mine and don't really leave any identifiable information within the text.

montyburns101: I'm issuing a type-off challenge to all those here at
work who think they can beat me in a typing marathon.
buddyfriend: a typing marathon?
montyburns101: si
montyburns101: a type off
montyburns101: typing Olympics
buddyfriend: interesting, in cyberspace or are you making this a
face-to-face type off?
montyburns101: just at work
montyburns101: I like to threaten people here
buddyfriend: what's your fastest speed?
montyburns101: knock things off peoples desks
montyburns101: I dunno like 60-70 wpm maybe.
montyburns101: I’m really just kidding
montyburns101: but I like to give wedgies to the guys in IT
montyburns101: NERDS!!

montyburns101: I'm issuing a type-off challenge to all those here at
work who think they can beat me in a typing marathon.
noodlemaker: as in speed?
montyburns101: speed strength agility
montyburns101: I whoop them all
montyburns101: I type on peoples foreheads
montyburns101: I can type in the bathroom
montyburns101: over the phone
montyburns101: I can read the keys over the phone
montyburns101: fax it in
montyburns101: I type faster in my sleep than the faster typist types in
real time on a keyboard.
montyburns101: in outerspace
montyburns101: I once typed a paragraph while scuba diving
noodlemaker: hahaha
noodlemaker: You should be a secretary and give BJ's to your boss.
montyburns101: Who says I don't?

montyburns101: I'm issuing a type-off challenge to all those here at
work who think they can beat me in a typing marathon.
Ladychatter: humm..
Ladychatter: you better be pretty fast
montyburns101: I be super fast
montyburns101: I’m the White Dolemite
Ladychatter: Ok
montyburns101: I went to a flea market on Saturday in Carroll Gardens.
montyburns101: It was pretty lame
montyburns101: I flipped over a few tables and stole some stuff.
Ladychatter: That’s big of you, out of your price range?
montyburns101: No. I said, “This table is filled with crap! I’m doing you
a favor, no one wants a broken lamp from 1974.”
Ladychatter: Mabye it was vintage?
montyburns101: Who wants a set of three bugs bunny collector cups?
montyburns101: Vintage my underoos!
montyburns101: sorry I should stop or you’re going to think I’m nuts
Ladychatter: you are a bit nuts, right?
montyburns101: well not in a dangerous way
montyburns101: in a fun way
Ladychatter: just in a kooky way?
montyburns101: Si
Ladychatter: ahhhh...

- BLAZING INTERNET FRONTIER MAN

2005-09-06T15:52:00.000-04:00

YES THAT'S ME!

I'm like a young Al Gore as you can see from a conversation I had with a friend online. I had just spoken with her a few times and not too many more times after this conversation. I wonder why? Find out below! (her screename has been changed)

ladyfriend: do people still use their AOL accounts?
Monty Burns 101: i dont use aol
ladyfriend: do you have one/had one?
Monty Burns 101: i did like 10 years ago
Monty Burns 101: yeah back in the day when u paid by the hour
Monty Burns 101: it was insane
ladyfriend: but don't you keep that e-mail for life?
Monty Burns 101: no
Monty Burns 101: not if u cancel your account
Monty Burns 101: I just have IM
ladyfriend: like first.last@aol
Monty Burns 101: that’s for life
ladyfriend: the old IM ball and chain, eh?
Monty Burns 101: ha
Monty Burns 101: i think my old email was happydude@aol.com
Monty Burns 101: or something like that
Monty Burns 101: back in da day
ladyfriend: very original
ladyfriend: did you smoke wees a loy back then?
ladyfriend: that's a stoner handle
Monty Burns 101: wees a loy?
Monty Burns 101: oh
Monty Burns 101: no
Monty Burns 101: never smoked pot till after college actually
ladyfriend: get out!
Monty Burns 101: I used to work at this site called hecklers online
Monty Burns 101: when I was like 18-19 years old.
Monty Burns 101: I ran a few messages boards
Monty Burns 101: and hosted a live chat on occasion. All comedy type stuff.
Monty Burns 101: this is funny story actually one I don’t know if I’ve told anyone
Monty Burns 101: just cause I forgot
Monty Burns 101: u listening
Monty Burns 101: hahaha
Monty Burns 101: cant believe I’m telling u this
ladyfriend: yes, go on please!
Monty Burns 101: so I got free aol, free internet access
Monty Burns 101: because I worked for them
Monty Burns 101: and back then this Hecklers Online site was sponsored by aol
Monty Burns 101: which was great
Monty Burns 101: no pay..but I was spending a lot of money using the internet anyway so free internet access what kinda like getting paid
Monty Burns 101: anyway not related to the Hecklers Online thing, but in other chat rooms there were people who would email nudie pictures
Monty Burns 101: like the start of porn
Monty Burns 101: online
ladyfriend: OOOOOOOH!
Monty Burns 101: and obviously I was like yeah I’m in!
Monty Burns 101: u would go into a chat room
Monty Burns 101: and people would send u like pictures from playboy or whatever they had on their computer
Monty Burns 101: and vice versa
Monty Burns 101: someone reported me
Monty Burns 101: and I lost my account with aol
Monty Burns 101: :-(
ladyfriend: classy
Monty Burns 101: u know me
Monty Burns 101: well really you dont
Monty Burns 101: but now you do
Monty Burns 101: :-D
ladyfriend: ha
Monty Burns 101: who would have thought that it would have become like one of the main uses of the internet?
Monty Burns 101: nudie stuff
Monty Burns 101: hee hee
Monty Burns 101: I was an inavetor u could say
Monty Burns 101: spelling on that one was bad
Monty Burns 101: I was an american hero in a way
Monty Burns 101: right?
ladyfriend: no, you were a perv
Monty Burns 101: oh
Monty Burns 101: gotcha
Monty Burns 101: 8-)
ladyfriend: well, thomas jefferson slept with his slave mistresses, that makes him a perv AND an inventor
ladyfriend: so I'll give it to you anywa

- JOGGING

2005-08-29T21:23:00.000-04:00

I think today was the first day in many many years that I attempted to jog. I was remarking to a friend earlier in the day over email that I don't jog/run but perhaps because of that I gave it a go on my walk home from work. I have been pretty active lately with the whole walking home from work thing. Of course besides the whole foot incident that we all remember so well. At least I do.

It just happened. I was crossing Atlantic Avenue while the light was blinking red. I wasn't going to make it so I began lightly jogging. Then I just kept going, a little faster and faster until I was at a decent pace.

It was like in the movies when someone realizes they can fly, or walk again.

It went well...for a few blocks when I collapsed and starting clutching at my chest. No I didn't fall down or experience any heart failure but I only lasted about 3 blocks and then had to stop. I tried it again when I was almost home and didn't even last more than 2 blocks the second time.

I'm pretty impressed with myself though. I never thought I'd be able to do that, especially not whilst smoking a cigarette.

- MY FIRST FILM SHOULD HAVE BEEN KARATE KID PART I

2005-08-23T02:25:00.000-04:00

But it wasn't.

And here's why.

Production started out well. I was learning my lines and picking up a passable level of karate by the second or third week of shooting. Mr. Kesuke Miyagi (aka Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita) was totally cool when we first met. He took me out for ice cream and even let me drive his car around the lot.

Elizabeth Shue was like super hot even back in 1984. Actually, ESPECIALLY IN 1984! grrrrrr. She was nice but I could tell she didn't want to hang out with me outside the set. How could I tell? Well she said, "Daniel please don't talk to me unless we are working on the movie." It doesn't get much more apparent than that. And to this day it still doesn't when girls tell me the same thing.

Ok back to the movie and not to the reason why I'm doing this 2AM on a fucking Monday Night (BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND GET IT!) And I don't have a girlfriend because my karate is shit, I realize that now.

I think you all deserve to see the picture now. You've waited long enough...So here you go:

Yeah well as you can see from the picture by the time we got into the action scenes I was walking around the set scared shitless. Let me tell you something dude, Cobra Kai don't pull punches. Not even during practice. I was getting the living shit kicked out of me on a daily basis.

That big dude to the left who played the head of Cobra Kai made me call him "Sensei" everywhere we went. I was at Burger King one day during shooting and he walked in with Johnny (Who was also a colossal prick) both wearing their karate outfits. They came up to my table and I was like "Hey guys there's extra seats over here.." My friendly offer was abruptly cut off when Johnny flipped my red plastic tray filled with food on me. I got french fries and ketchup all over my nice blouse. Shirt I mean shirt. They started laughing maniacally and then went up to the front and ordered Whoppers.

I still ate the fries off my shirt but wiped off the ketchup with knapkins. That would have been pretty gross if I had eaten that ketchup off my shirt.

I did eat the ketchup too. I lied.

So as you can see from the picture and as you can hear from my story, the movie was going very poorly. My acting was, well, great of course.

But mentally I was losing it. My on-set tutor kept having sex with extras in my trailer and I spent most of my time sitting on a stool I brought from home for some reason, crying.

Where was Mr. Miyagi during all of this? Where WAS MR. MIYAGI YOU SAY?! Ok shut up and I'll tell you. Mr. Miyagi was looking out for Mr. Miyagi. He became obsessed with really catching a fly with those chopsticks and almost went mad by the end of shooting. He started out real cool but after awhile I couldn't take it anymore hearing him call me "Danielson" all the time. To this day I'm still better with chops than that little man, I shit you not.

He was a nice guy though. Like I said he let me drive his car. Oh and he bought me a Playboy one day. Nice guy I guess.

Eventually the director (John G. Avildsen who went on to direct other great films such as Rocky V and no, I'm not kidding look it up. Boy he sucked huh?) told me things weren't working out. He could have been a little faster with yelling CUT especially during the fight scenes which we reshot too many times. So I was fired, yes it's true fans. But I wasn't sad I was just happy to go home. Ok I was a little sad.

And then they brought in some old guy named Ralph Macchio who was like 45 years old. I said "Yeah see if you can make him work you jackassas!" I didn't say it but I thought it while I was watching the movie in the theater. God I love that movie.

My mom's great and all but I wish I just gone to Jewish camp and not done the acting thing that summer.

- LAST FRIDAY AND TODAY

2005-08-22T10:16:00.000-04:00

It wasn't until 3:37 PM at work last Friday, that I noticed I had my boxers on backwards.

And I didn't switch em around until later that evening either.

Oh and today my instant messenger is apparently blocked at work. It's like coming into work and finding out someone died. At least it is for me. I think I'm going to throw myself in front of a bus.

- 120 DEGREE WEDDING

2005-08-17T00:41:00.000-04:00

My god I was sweating my ass off the entire weekend. But this isn't about me (well really it is cause this is my frigging blog).

Without further something or other, the happy couple:

My boy Luke:

I was pleased to see the photographer was using the same camera I have. Although I don't have a great deal of technical skill, I managed to take a few pleasant shots.

One of my favorites from the weekend:

And my friend Missy who is easy on the eyes managed to stand out in this one:

That's ye ole black and white/color conversion trick I'm trying to teach myself. I know there's an easier way to do it but the results I get seem to be working. Another example is one I took from the the Whiffle Ball Weekend if you want to check it out.

The wedding was a lovely affair. A good time was had by all, even by these two schmucks:

If you're just DYINNNNG for more wedding pictures, and I know you are...check out my flickr slideshow of the day. It's a nice thing to view with some classical music in the background, or John Tesh if you're a sick twisted fool.

Friday night Brooklyn pictures to come later this week.

- MY BOSS

2005-08-02T16:38:00.000-04:00

Scene from work. This story is the truth. This is not a fantasy/fiction post.

I went hobbling into my bosses office early last week and sat down on a chair in front of his desk.

Me- "Hey Big V, listen. I have to take one more day off this week to rest my foot. It's healing well but the podiatrist wanted to look at it again Thursday, and I'd like to rest it as much as possible before then. She told me part of the wound around the stitches is still open. I really want to be up and walking as soon as possible."

Big V- "Daniel, I want you to know that people are starting to take notice about all your absences recently.

Me- (completely shocked and defensive) "WHAT? What people are you referring to? I haven't taken any time off, I have over 2 weeks of vacation time saved up."

Big V- "Daniel I just want you to be aware people are noticing, high up people. You take off a day here and there and that Philadelphia trip recently and now this thing with your foot."

(I got up at this point and shut the door to his office and sat back down)

Me- "That Philadelphia thing was ONE day and I asked you about it. And my foot?! I had to get 5 stitches and haven't been able to walk right for the past few weeks.

(long pause as he looks at me all serious)

Me- (busting out of nowhere, try to imagine me really yelling this)"I'M ALWAYS FUCKING HERE!"

Another long pause inserted here as he's looking at me more intently now. I sit back and think to myself did I just use the word FUCKING really loud right to my BOSS.

I'm waiting and quickly thinking I may have to quit right now. I'm not dealing with this BS because in fact I am always here, not super content I am, but obviously now I know I'm not appreciated. I started thinking about looking for new jobs and where I would try to work. All of these thoughts just exploded in my mind within a frame of about 2 seconds.

Then he just jumps back in his chair and starts laughing hysterically and says, "Oh man that was priceless, your reaction...HAHAHAHA!" and just kept laughing.

I was like WTF! I couldn't believe he just pulled one on me like that. I felt like such a moron but started laughing along with him. And pardoned myself for swearing so loudly.

Then the phone rang and he picked it up and I walked out of the office like nothing had just happened.

* I do call my boss Big V just FYI.

- 2005 Whiffle Ball Championship

2005-08-01T10:45:00.000-04:00

A true pitching duel occurred this weekend in the 25-24 edging out the Sharks, by the mighty Piranhas. I, of course was on the Sharks and lost. I was pretty freaking pissed but tried not to let on because I didn't know many of the people there. I just went home and cried myself to sleep.

The winning team

A Piranha

Mid pitch

I didn't really run because of my foot, just did some pitching and hitting and had a pinch runner for me. Mixing beer and hours of whiffle ball action in the hot summer sun, is actually more tiring than one would think.

- A BETTER WEEKEND THAN LAST

2005-07-27T00:17:00.000-04:00

First off, the foot is not totally healed and I didn't help it by stupidly running off to Connecticut for a BBQ Friday and then a bachelor party in Atlantic City Saturday night. To top it off Sunday I went to an all day rooftop party at a friend's place down the block when I got home. Jesus coated cornflakes that is a long weekend. Stitches will hopefully be coming out Thursday (there were 5 of them for all those who asked). I've been taking it easy this week trying to fix myself up.

All said it was a better weekend than last.

Friday night Pete started the bachelor party with some fancy BBQ. Ribs with a delicious dry citrus mixture rub followed by filet mignon with a gorgonzola sauce and baby red potatoes with fresh rosemary from his garden..dang loc that don't go with 40s.

Me and my boy Ryan

Gotta get a little artistic even at a BBQ right?

Moving on to Saturday. Atlantic City, home of karaoke hookup bars, mediocre cuisine, and dirty strip clubs. It was a good time.

Bobby chillin with a Tecate at the hotel (click this photo to view my flickr account if you're interested in how I got the color in the can).

The crew at the end of the trip. Bachelor Boy was second to left, next to me.

Back home on Sunday after another long ass drive. Thanks for driving V! The one from CT to AC took 5 freaking hours. Note to everyone: DO NOT travel on the Garden State Parkway on a beautiful sunny Saturday in the summer.

Fun times and good food again, thanks Kris.

Rooftop Party

Rooftop shadows

I titled this Bobbing for bacteria. Vin decided to first jump into the kiddie pool and later fish out the spilled sangria fruit with his face. This pool was sitting on the rooftop in the sun for several hours. But the best part is everyone had their dirty feet sitting in the pool after walking around on the roof all day.

Well, everyone's feet were in the pool cept mine of course. The stitches remember! Oh and even if I didn't have an injured toe I still wouldn't have put my feet in that filthy, parasitic-bacteria-ridden water..Come on you all know me better than that.

- WHY MY GRANDMA IS FUNNY

2005-07-19T22:29:00.000-04:00

I was talking with my grandma tonight on the phone. I call her Granny G for some reason although her first name doesn't start with a "G". I think it's more of a reference to her influential work in the world of Hip Hop.

Anyway the conversation ended like this:

Me: Grandma I think my phone is dying.

Grandma: Oh I don't like the sound of that.

I started dying laughing and she said, "what's so funny?" And I explained to her the levity of the situation...how it's really not that big of a deal if the battery on my cell phone is dying.

Then she started laughing, and we were both laughing.

Then I hung up on her.

For more fun family stuff check out a little post my sister wrote about our mother HERE.

Also listen to my sis last Friday getting chatty on wbcs radio with some media gossip HERE.

- HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?

2005-07-17T18:01:00.001-04:00

This weekend wasn't the best one ever. Early Saturday I somehow slammed my foot underneath my couch while running to answer the delivery man at my door. I thought I just jammed it really bad. It hurt but I looked at it and it seemed fine. After paying for my lunch I shut my door and looked down, only to see a pool of dark red blood forming underneath my foot on my hardwood floors.

Evidence exhibit A: Blood on my new shag rug. FUCCCCCCCCCCK!

After some typical Daniel hypochondriacitic behavior (I think I just made up my own variation on that word) I ran around my apartment getting blood everywhere and then tried to clean it the best I could in my bathtub. I ended up making the decision to go to the Emergency room. My father who is a surgeon, told me over the phone I probably didn't need to go...But after following his instructions of soaking it in hydrogen peroxide and cleaning it well, it started to bleed badly again.

Thank you Mr. Nurse guy for taking care of my foot.

The nurse unwrapped my foot and said, "Now what would possess you to put cotton balls on that open wound?" I think I answered, "I'd have to say because I'm an idiot?" But I had put triple antibacterial ointment first and then the cotton balls and then wrapped it up.

A doc then came in the room and stitched me up. I asked if I could take a picture of him but he said not unless I wanted to be sued. I think he was kidding.

Before he went to work on me, I called my father again and made sure I should go through with it. My dad was just like "Yeah dude just listen to what he's telling you because he's right there looking at it and I'm just on the phone." Duhh makes sense right?

Evidence Exhibit B: Me not happy picture. Me gunna get stitches and walk funny for a few weeks.

Didn't really hurt much after he jammed a needle in my foot about 5 times to numb the area and avoid any pain. But the thing is, that hurt. I asked him to squirt some of the stuff in the needle on my tongue. He said no.

Afterwards I limped to an Eckerds drugstore on Atlantic Ave which didn't have the antibiotics the doc prescribed me. Oh and I had to limp up a big flight of stairs to their pharmacy to be told that. I limped back down and went to the CVS on Court street which thankfully had them.

Now I'm home all bandaged up and bored because I want to go out and take cool pictures but I really can't walk too well at this moment. But hey this pic is kinda cool:

Oh and the rug is ok because I know that's what you were all worried about. It's a sweet 8x11 shag I just got so I understand your concern. I let the blood dry and then just snipped out the spots with scissors. Gotta love the shag.

- WHY DO PEOPLE VISIT MY WEBSITE

2005-07-12T11:27:00.000-04:00

I've been compiling my favorite referrals through internet search engines (mostly Google and Yahoo). I can track how people were referred to my site and what they typed in, to get here. All of them obviously match words that I've written in posts of mine, but don't always represent what I was talking about. Does that make sense? Basically someone goes to Google and types in "Willy Wonka naked" and if I happen to have a post on my website about Willy Wonka being naked (which I don't) my website will come up as one of the results and whoever the sick fuck is that is doing the searching will click on my website if he/she is so inclined. Then I can see what they typed through my site meter program.

Some examples:

Why did my cat pee on the wall

how to make brie

Dear God, please find me a job

Chinese Fortunes (you would be shocked how many people do this search)

Banging Wives (I was shocked to learn I used that phrase...or was I?)

conjoined bananas

Banannas will be extinct soon

MBNA Republicans

Cheese makes me constipated

guinness fat twins riding motorcycles

lunch + cubicle food smell

can't cancel hustler.com

Home sex change surgery kit

That last one has to be my favorite. I don't know who is stranger, the person who was searching for this or the fact I wrote awhile back that I was going to tell people at my high school graduation that I am the inventor of the first "Home sex change surgery kit?" What exactly would be in that kit? I don't really want to think about it actually.

- PHILADELPHIA THROUGH PICTURES

2005-07-07T20:46:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine called me at work yesterday and asked if I wanted to do a one night road trip to Philly. When he said all expenses would be paid through his company and I could pick out whatever restaurant we would dine at for lunch the next day, I said I was in.

For about 5 solid minutes driving through New Jersey, there was a smell so bad I wanted to jump out of the window. I think it was right after the Verizano bridge:

Arrived around 11:30 PM after somehow wandering off I-95 and driving into Delaware. Upon arrival we were starving and ate at the famous Pats King of Steaks which was pretty damn good but rather filthy for a food establishment. They have a celebrity picture of an NSYNC member on their website so duhhh I had to go.

Across the street is Geno's which is also famous. I almost ate another one there but didn't want to go to bed feeling too nauseous. My pic of Pat's didn't come out so here is one of Geno's instead:

We met this crazy guy in a jumpsuit wandering around the cheesesteak district muttering a bit. When he saw me with my camera he said, "Wanna take a picture of me? Go ahead!!" So I did. He had a yellow jumpsuit/flannel pajama thing on under his coat. There must have been 30 cute girls in that area but I can't take pictures of women like that without the fear that one will yell out PERVERT!!! So you get this guy instead. I call him Jumpsuit Johnny:

Hotel room kinda sucked. I left my charger for my new phone there. Oh and I realized in my haste while packing I not only took two shoes from different pairs...but yes they were both for the left foot. What the hell is wrong with me?:

Pete preparing for his business meeting before bedtime:

Friday afternoon walking around Philadelphia saw some interesting people:

Trumpet blower:

A cab driver fixing his flat:

He needed to call for backup:

The day finished with the Chef Tasting Menu at Morimoto for lunch. Thanks Pete:

*If anyone is interested, most of these pictures were enhanced/cropped/adjusted using photoshop.

- THE GREAT BANJO BAND BREAKUP

2005-06-28T23:36:00.000-04:00

So, as I often do I found a funny picture on the internet and here it is:

I was planning to find a picture of a banjo band and photoshop my head on one of the dudes. This was one of the best I found.

Obviously you notice that one of the guys has his eyes blanked out. At first glance I didn't think anything of it but then I started giving it some thought. I started giving it some thought because its 12:20AM on a Tuesday night and I don't feel tired and really don't have anything better to do. If you have an issue with that take it up my complaint dept.

So during the thinking process I thought to myself, what could possibly provoke the other band members to blank out Jimmy-Bob's eyes in this picture. I'm guessing he is no longer with the band. What happened? Where did the beautiful thing that was the THE RED SUSPENDERS STRING BAND AND LAUNDRY COMPANY, go wrong? And yes that is the name of that band I shit you not.

Were there creative differences?

Did Jimmy-Bob (I did make up that guy's name) have a direction in mind for the band that the other members refused to follow?

Did he show up to a jam session in yellow suspenders and piss everyone off? Maybe he had sex with Uncle Bo's ex wife (made that name up as well but let's consider him the guy in the lower left hand corner). I really don't know the answers to any of these questions but it does make me wonder.

What do you think happened?

OK, I gotta level with you. That top part was all a joke. The truth is that I am the newest member of that swinging sextet known as the THE RED SUSPENDERS STRING BAND
AND LAUNDRY COMPANY.

I got the job yesterday but until we played our first gig tonight I didn't want to jinx it.

Oh and I'm sleeping with that guy on the lower right, which is why my hand is so delicately touching his shoulder..Obviously.

- GAY MARRIAGE

2005-06-21T09:17:00.000-04:00

I think if I was gay I would be a lesbian.

I'm completely supporitive of gay marriage but was just thinking about what a gay couple does with their last name when they get married? I'm figuring if one of the guys loses out and takes the other guys name, the winner really gets to say that he "Wears the pant in the family." But when you think about it they both wear the pants. Even in lesbian marriages both women probably wear pants quite often. Or jeans.

Since when did all of this become socially acceptable? I think its just wrong. The pants thing I mean, I wish people dressed like they did in the olden days, and referred to them as slacks. Sometimes watching old movies I'm fasicinated about the stuff like that in the background. For example, where did they get their food from? There was no King Kullen, no Shop Rite no Fine Fare no Piggley Wiggley no House of Food (I made that last one up).

And their attire, it must have been a pain in the ass to hand stitch all of those clothes. I guess that's why they didn't wash them often. GOD people must have stunk like melted brie cheese back then. What were the people in South East Asia doing in the days before the Gap, Old Navy, Banana Republic (all the same company by the way) moved in and rounded up all the teenage girls to work for 20 cents an hour?

And how come no one asks me, "How was your night last night?" during the week but they always ask how my weekend was on Monday. I'm a loser dude so the weeknights are about as exciting for me as the weekends.

For example last night I......

- DO REAL MEN WEAR COLOGNE?

2005-06-13T19:08:00.000-04:00

I was at a party this weekend and there was well, lets say an "interesting," guy there. I swear to god it smelled like he emptied half a bottle of Brut onto his clothes. He REEKED like cologne and it was sickening. I was beside myself thinking how in the world could someone do that and still expect to attract women?

He was wearing an open white shirt with a chain around his neck. I don't think he was originally expected at this party at least I hope he wasn't. Or maybe it was me who shouldn't have been there.

I commented to a friend who agreed there is just no reason for it. One of my guy friends said a little bit of cologne is ok and asked me, "Why don't you wear any?" I said, "Uh because I'm a guy."

I'm just not a big fan of it. Perfume on women is ok but just a little bit, at least in my opinion.

But the kicker was this. I was talking to two women and asked them if they liked cologne. They screamed, "YES WE LOVE IT!" But then some horrible song came on the rotation a minute later and they started screaming again about that as well. So I realized I was directing my comments towards the wrong audience.

Oh and the second super duper kicker came about an hour later. I saw those two same women leaving the party with the very same guy with the open shirt who was reeking of cologne. It was straight out of a movie. I was just standing there thinking you've GOT to Be kidding ME. But I shit you not.

mmmmmmmm hot

- PHOTOGRAPH AND DRAWING

2005-06-09T12:26:00.000-04:00

Here is a photo I took of the brooklyn bridge with mi madre a few weekends ago. Below is a sketch she did of it, which she will do from time to time.

Thought it was kinda cool.

I actually just sold my second picture which was to a friend but still, I'm excited about it. The PHOTO is a picture of a bicycle I took in Amsterdam a few years ago. The version I gave him is slightly cropped on the left side and converted into black and white. After matting and framing it I am quite pleased with the way it came out.

- A DAY IN THE LIFE OF RON POPEIL

2005-06-08T00:42:00.000-04:00

Hey fans. Hope all is well in your life.

What's going on in the world of Ron Popeil you ask? Well that's a good question.

Today I woke up at 8:30 which is pretty late for me. Usually I'm out of bed by 7:45 at the latest. I do some light stretching, jump on the bowflex for about 30 minutes and then move to the bodyblade. Sometimes I'll do a few minutes with the thighmaster. Susan Sommers actually gave me one as a present so I feel compelled to use it. Just between me and you though, its a piece of shit.

Here is a picture of me for you lil buckaroos that don't watch television early Saturday morning or at 3 AM during the weeknights.

So back to today. I'm not quite sure where I ended up last night but I remember singing an Elton John song at a karoke bar with a few groupies. We met up after a show last night. Nothing sexual usually happens when I hang out with them. Kinda sucks though I mean I'm a healthy man with urges, right? I think these chicks are just in awe of my inventions, not that I blame them.

But I've heard that Jack Lalanne dude gets laid like Colin Quinn, or is it Colin Farrell? I don't watch much t.v. unless it's that new Magic Bullet infomercial. I heard they are doing great business so I have to stay up on the competition. I haven't tried one yet but honestly that thing looks too small to make anything for a real meal. Maybe I'll produce a bigger one and call it "The big ass magic bullet." Hmm have to think of a better name than that.

So when I woke up tonight there was a note on my alarm clock that said "Thanks Showtime!" Oh boy what is this all about? So maybe I did get lucky last night huh? SCORE! I really don't remember much after about the 6th shot of tequila. I think I was yelling about wanting to find a bar with a mechanical bull but everyone just laughed with me. They thought I was kidding but really I wanted to see if I could ride one because I never have before. After that I pretty much blacked out. So whoever left that note was gone before I woke up. I hope she was cute. Well I guess that doesn't really matter..I just moreso hope it was a "she."

Ok I'm going to roast me a lamb.

Ron Popeil - buy my products!

- A FUNNY STORY FROM THE PAST

2005-05-29T01:52:00.000-04:00

This story takes place when I was about 15-16 years old. My mother and I were driving back from the golf range where she would happily take me whenever I needed some practice. I was a pretty good golfer in the day and tried to get to the range as much as possible. Looking back on those days I realize how my mother would just sit there and read a book for an hour or two while I smacked 275 yard drives (no shit I'm serious). Pretty nice of her.

One day coming back from the range we were driving along Candlewood Lake Road in New Milford, CT. The thin stretch of road before reaching my childhood home is quite beautiful on a summer day, with the sun dancing off the water's top.

We were driving along in her Brown 85 Toyota Camry as we came upon a jogger who was on his daily run. As I mentioned in the previous paragraph, the road is a bit narrow. It was a beautiful day too. You remembered I said that, right?

So anyway we hit the jogger with her car because there was another car coming in the other lane and there was not enough room or time to swerve or slam on the brakes. In my mom's defense it happened so quickly that there was nothing else she could have done other than clip the car which would probably have been a much huger accident still involving the jogger. The road being narrow as I mention for the third time now, allows enough room for two cars but doesn't really offer a shoulder for say a jogger or hot dog cart.

The man tumbled down the hill. But just a little bit.

Now if I was fabricating this tale I would have ended it with me and my mother burying the man down in the sand by the lake. We then would gone to San Remo, our local pizza joint for a slice of pepperoni and a Pepsi, not mentioning what had just happened and never speaking of it again.

But this is a true story.

And as I eluded to in the title this is a funny story, so here comes that part.

The jogger got to his feet and came up to the road. I didn't know if he was going to flip out and try to kill us so I had my trusty 9 iron in my hand just in case. I didn't know if I was going to have to finish off what my mother had started. No I'm kidding, I used it to help him get up off the hill. We had only clipped him on the back of the thigh. He was in pain but not about to die and not bleeding, well maybe a wee little.

I used to sleep with my putter in bed thinking it would make me a better golfer. It didn't. I think it just made me have weird unhealthy fantasies about putters. I swear nothing happened between me and that putter. We just slept together. I would also talk to it sometimes. It never spoke back to me. Well ok one time it said, "Can you please let me sleep with the rest of the clubs because they make fun of me every time we're on the course, making smoochie noises at me if you get a birdy or sink a long par putt."

Wow it's late let's get back to the story.

So this jogger was a little woosy which is understandable, I mean he just got smacked by the power of the 85 Camry. Thank god it wasn't the 2004 Camry she has now because this story might not be as funny. He would be dead. Ok so still it would have been a little bit funny but I probably wouldn't be sharing it with you. That's the kind of story just for family when you're sitting around Thanksgiving dinner, eating and laughing when the uncle in the toupee goes, "Hey Daniel remember when your mom killed that guy with her car. Shit that must have been something." That's why that uncle is only allowed over once a year.

Oh ok the funny part. And again this is a truey.

So my mother and I are standing there looking at this sweaty and now filthy man (rolled down the hill remember) stumbling around with twigs, leaves, and soil pasted all over his body. Of course we began apologizing profusely. We weren't sure what to do so obviously we offered him a ride to the hospital. He didn't think he needed any medical attention, just wanted to be dropped at his car.

We obliged. BUT, before he got in the car my mom said, "Wait one second I need to get something." She went into her trunk and retrieved a sheet, lined the back seat with it, and told him he could now sit down. Because he was so dirty, she didn't want to ruin the interior of her 85 Camry. I'm not so sure I understood at the time that someone should be that concerned with a little sweat and soil on their seats after almost killing a man. But then again I didn't have a car and figured I might want to also keep mine in nice condition when I did.

Looking back now, many years later, I still don't think I understand that. But it was really nice of her taking me to the driving range all those years to hit golf balls. I love you mom!

- Editors Note:

After all the blah blah blah about this being a true story listen to this. Mi Madre came into the city for Memorial day and we went out to lunch and then hung out on the pier a little (pic of Brooklyn bridge I took while there). So while we were at lunch I said, "Mom remember that day you hit that jogger on the road," and then told her about the little story I had written for my website. She was like, "Dipshit I didn't hit that jogger, a young girl driving in front of us did." I was like, "no way dude, seriously?"

She reminded my french fried brain that a young woman who had just gotten her license was the actual one who hit him. This Linda Leadfoot was too hysterical to do anything so we all told her just to go home. Then we offered the guy a ride but my mom DID described him as being filthy and sweaty. Also the part about her not wanting him in our 85 Camry was right on the money. She also reminded me that she was mad at the fact this guy was even jogging on the road in the first place, which does not offer a shoulder for a jogger or say an old time bicycle with the big front wheel. I had mentioned that earlier as well.

- Editors second note: My mom didn't actually call me a "dipshit" but by the tone of her voice I could tell she was thinking it.

- REALITY TV

2005-05-26T22:34:00.000-04:00

I had a good idea a few years ago that would make for a good tv clip. I wanted to set up a situation where I hired someone dressed in a huge Barney costume to come to a party I would be at. Barney would be walking into the party and I would mutter something about not liking clowns and get this real psychotic look in my eye. I would then run over and start attacking the guy dressed up by Barney.

The guy would be in on it. I would plan the entire thing out beforehand. We would go over the routine a wrestler does. He would be fighting back and getting in some good punches.

I guess the only glitch would be if someone tried to intervene and break us up. But I would insist we go onto the front yard to finish it, and of course the guy would say something like, "Yeah man I'm going to finish what you started."

Try to visualize it and remember that he would be keeping the head of the costume on the entire time.

We would go onto the front yard and start beating the crap out of each other. A real fight.

Oh and I forgot to mention I would be on a first date with some girl who thought I was totally normal up to this point.

Did I say I had a good idea a few years ago. Maybe this wasn't it.

You know you're up too late when you hear the words, "The following is a paid advertisement by blah blah blah."

- HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF A PRESIDENT

2005-05-22T01:59:00.000-04:00

I found this picture online, not quite sure what the caption should be but I was trying to think of something. As I was thinking about it I noticed the picture of George Washington in the background. That "George" was a great president. I wonder what he would think of our current George? I honestly don't think he would be too impressed. I realize we won't always have amazing presidents but come on. George W. Bush is obviously no George Washington, but when you think about it he's barely a George Jefferson.

If you didn't take a good look at the picture look again.

- SPELLING BEE

2005-05-14T01:20:00.000-04:00

Yeah so I happened to wander into a 6th grade spelling bee last week. I still beat the living crap out of those little shits. After each round I ran up and gave one of the kids a wedgie. Magnificent...

MMMMM-AAAAA-GGGG-NNN-III-FFFFFF-IIII-CCCCCC-EEE-NNNN-TTTT Magnificent!

YES I WON I WON!!!

Ok I have to say those kids put up quite a fight. I kept coughing and blurting out wrong letters loudly every time it was their turn. They would look over to me as if to say, "Please giant man stop interrupting my turn," I would then point to them and make a fist with a punching motion. I think that helped seal my victory.

*editors note: I actually realized I spelled magnificent wrong after running spell check on this post...how truly embarrassing.

- RUSHING HOUR COMMUTE

2005-05-13T00:34:00.000-04:00

I woke up today.

Got out of bed.

Shaved.

Took a shower.

Spoke to Mingus about him not waking me up right when I'm falling asleep.

Checked weather on the one's.

Ran out the door.

Caught the F train almost immediately.

Caught my transfer J, M, or Z train almost seamlessly.

Got out at Chambers street.

Lit a smoke as I was running out of the station.

Got to my building on Worth Street.

Ran out of the elevator on my floor.

Slammed my time card into the machine.

All within 47 minutes.

Damn.

- MY GOD LOOK AT THE TIME!

2005-05-09T23:46:00.000-04:00

I have been working on my surprised face when I realize what time it is. I am not usually shocked by the time or have anywhere important to go to but I realize most people do, so I'm trying to learn.

"My god look at the time!" Imagine the shocked look on my face as my eyes bulge and I bring my wrist up and down, shaking my head in disbelief.

Problem is, when you do this you really have to follow it up by quickly leaving the room . I learned that if you just sit back down in your chair and check your email and start whistling the theme to Bonanza, people will think you're nuts. Also it helps to have a watch on the wrist you're bulging your eyes to.

I usually get hit with allergies a few times a year. Today it was soooo bad I had to run out to buy the big box of puffs plus and used at least half of it. Eventually I had to buy some Claritan D as well. At one point there was basically water running out of my nose, I couldn't stop it. It wasn't so disgusting though because it was clear and not the consistency of snot. Literally looked like water even when a drop hit the floor. I let that happen for fun.

It was like my nose was crying. What made you cry nose? a sad smell perhaps?

- FICTION

2005-05-08T21:51:00.000-04:00

Just something I started writing on one of those "Can't sleep nights":

He worked at the local deli on the corner of 4th Place and Court Street in Carrol Gardens, Brooklyn. Situated between a greasy pizza spot and a new yuppie Thai restaurant, Spunnani Deli was the oldest commercial building on the block. Walking through the front door, the faint smell of home made soppresetta and mozzarella sank into your mouth and gently stung your nostrils. Great orbs of cheese hung motionless in the air among the movements and vibrations of customers zooming in and out. Occasionally the older customers would linger, proudly announcing the accomplishments of family members while noting their personal ailments and failing health. 30 year old Italian women with bad hair and worse wardrobes stood with sarcastic impatience waiting for their orders, one or two children dangling from their legs, arms. Faux Hipsters with high paying jobs would patiently wait on line for what was described as "The best fresh and smoked mozzarella in New York City."

Thurber liked the food there but didn't distinguish much flavor difference from Spunnai's mozzarella and any other he had tasted in his 23 years of life. He would go home each evening around 8pm after closing the store, reeking of cured meat and cigarette smoke. The arrangement with the owner allowed him several breaks during the day in lieu of a single lunch break like the rest of the staff. One of these 10-15 minute breaks would usually include a Marlboro red, sucked down to the filter not allowing a morsel of tobacco to go wasted. Other times he would sit on a milk crate in front of the store with a hunk of fresh baked semolina and an old Ceramic dish partially filled with fine extra virgin olive oil, salt, pepper, and some coarsely chopped fresh garlic. He ate quickly but with grace, effortlessly tearing the bread with his thin long pencil like fingers and timing the last piece to clean the bowl perfectly.

- ICE CREAM MAN IS EARLY

2005-05-04T23:59:00.000-04:00

Its spring but the temperature was barely 60 degrees today. People are still walking around with winter coats.

The ice cream man came by today on my block and man I have to say I never realized how annoying that music is. Its so repetitive that it becomes nauseating to hear. How does that guy deal with it? I guess you just tune it out and after awhile you don't hear it anymore.

I bet his wife screws with him and blasts it early in the morning to wake him up.

Wait a minute. I doubt 45 year old bald ice cream truck drivers are married. Or are they? Women do like ice cream.

- SLUM LORDS

2005-04-29T12:23:00.000-04:00

When I lived in my last apartment building in Washington Heights, the owner of the building wasn't exactly an angel but he was a fair guy. Any major issues were usually addressed in a timely matter.

There was one time I had asked about him possibly cutting me a break on a bigger apartment in the building since I was such a good, quiet tenant who paid my rent on time each month. He kinda laughed and said something to the effect of, "How am I gunna pay my porsche bills if I let that happen."

I laughed at it too because it was funny. But then I realized, man what a prick some rich people are.

This leads me to today.

My new apartment in Carrol Gardens Brooklyn is pretty fantastic overall. I have a nice sized one bedroom with actual sunlight as compared to my old studio which faced concrete walls on both sides. I was given the apartment by a friend who moved to California. The rent is stabilized and under $900, almost unheard of for an apartment anywhere in NYC. The area is great, streets teeming with restaurants, cafes, bars, and shops.

The landlord (a husband and wife tag team) however leave something to be desired. Apparently they are the Kings of Carrol Gardens and have been buying up the Red Hook area like crazy. I don't know how many buildings they own but I've heard its quite a few. So a small 8 unit building where I live causes them little concern. They do the absolute bare minimum needed to maintain it. The halls are rarely clean, the basement is disgusting and usually soggy and wet. The front of the building hasn't been cleaned since the Eisenhower administration. It is the black sheep on the block as far as buildings go. I call it a tenement slum but maybe that's exaggerating a bit. No actually its not. They would NEVER spend an extra dime to make the apartment look presentable, we tenants have to do it ourselves (my upstairs neighbor bought and planted tulips for the front yard).

We do have nice exposed brick walls and decent hard wood floors inside. Oh and we do have new windows. YIPPEEE!

The bathroom sink and the bathtub both have a lot of rust. I replaced some stuff without being reimbursed, of course. I was actually laughed at when I asked if they would pay for a new door and lock because the one I was left with is old, jiggly, and doesn't always work right....like your grandma's butt.

When I moved here in December, the kitchen sink was not working properly. I called 4-5 times and the problem still hasn't been fixed. They didn't want to paint my place and encouraged me to do it (legally they must every 5 years or when a tenant moves out, or some rule like that). So I painted it with the help of a friend and then deducted the painting supplies out of my first months rent. Fine no big deal.

Ok, so today. To preface this, about 3 weeks ago the weather was ridiculously warm and yes I realize how nice it had been outside. So the landlord shut the heat off. But over the past week or so it has cooled down considerably and I have spent several evenings freeeeeezzzzzzing and resorted to turning my oven on for warmth. One night I was wrapped in two blankets in bed and was still cold.

Sorry but that just seems ridiculous to me. We aren't living in the depression here. Its 2005 and I don't think its right.

So I called and asked for the heat to be put back on at least for the evening/early morning hours. The first person I spoke with at the office was pleasant enough and said she would talk to the owners. I got a call from the owner of the building (the wife) and she basically began a tirade by yelling at me. It was as if I asked for them to install hot tubs in everyone's apartment.

She told me to tough it out. "Put on a sweater and turn your oven on." Is that a good idea that a landlord suggests to their tenant that they should be putting their oven on? Did she not read about the 3 young boys that died last week because they left the oven on all night? That was due to religious reasons but still.

I was yelling back at her so loud that a coworker came to my desk to inform me that they could hear me down the hall. I was pissed though. She complained about how much oil costs and of course reminded me how little I pay for rent.

I reminded her that they own half of Brooklyn and make a lot of money.

That set her off. She completely flipped out and started yelling to her office about what I just said. She told me I had no clue and that they reinvest in the community so people could have jobs. She screamed at me how she and her husband don't drive around in a porsche or Mercedes. Whe was seriously offended by my comment. And then she asked me, "Why does my husband wear overalls if we have so much money."

What kind of question is that? Rich people can't wear overalls? Is this woman trying to tell me that the she and her husband who are worth millions of dollars cannot afford to buy the man a pair of dockers if he so desired? They must own 20 something buildings and are planning to install a major supermarket in the Red Hook area. I do not think that they are struggling to put food in the mouths of their children.

What is wrong with people. Seriously though. Damn this was a long post, sorry. Its just a bit longer..

So she got so worked up that she told me she can't talk to me anymore. She then HUNG UP THE PHONE on me. Wow! My landlord so upset that she hung up the phone. BTW I hate when people hang up the phone, its very immature and pisses me off.

Ok so last part. I wrote this letter to her and I want to mail it but haven't decided yet. Should I? I have a 2 year signed lease and regardless of that I don't think you can evict someone on the basis of being mad at them. If they do I'll go Michael Keaton in Pacific Heights on them.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Dear Landlord (I'm leaving her name out)

First, I apologize if I upset you so much that you had to hang up the phone on me. I don't ever hang up on someone myself so I realize you must have been upset.

I would like to mention though, that every single time I have called with an issue, you make sure of emphasizing the amount of rent I pay.

Does this mean that my concerns or issues are less important than those who pay 200 dollars a month more? It belittles me and makes me feel like I am less of a tenant when you mention it every time. If you want to talk about hurting one's feelings think about when you say that to me.

That is what led me to make the statement about how much money you make. You nitpick me on every issue I've raised from possibly changing the rusted out sink in my bathroom to placing a door handle that works well (which you actually laughed at).

I would think you could be concerned that a tenant called you claiming he/she had been very cold the past few weeks. Instead of showing your concern you actually started YELLING at me and telling me to tough it out, like we are living in the depression of the 1930s.

Also, the weather is not supposed to go above 60 for the next week and that means it will be 50 or less at night. Not exactly summertime weather.

I really don't care anymore about the heat, leave it off. But you should not treat a tenant with such contempt and I needed to speak my piece.

Daniel Krieger

- MEET MY NEW PET

2005-04-27T23:31:00.000-04:00

Don't be scared little guy, Mingus isn't going to eat you. In fact I think he's more afraid of you then you are of him. I think that's why he has his head buried in his litter box right now.

Meet my new pet. He is a an aye-aye, a rare species of lemur from Madagascar, the first captive bred aye-aye straight out the UK from the Bristol Zoo Gardens. I bought him yesterday through some of my close connections at the Bristol Zoo.

I've named him Cutie-pie. He seems like a nervous little fellow but don't be fooled. As you can see on my hand is a band-aid that I had to apply after he gnawed off a small chunk of my finger while I was sleeping. Maybe I should get a cage for him but my friend said he likes to roam free. He also warned me that the first chance an aye-aye gets it will try to kill you by going straight for you neck. But, like one out of every 14,000 Americans I sleep with a motorcycle helmet on. Lucky for me.

- HAPPY PASSOVER!

2005-04-25T00:44:00.000-04:00

I had Passover tonight at my uncle's house. I realized I was old when they didn't allow me to look for the Kofi Annan.

No wait that doesn't sound right.

Afikoman. Yes that's it.

A story from my youth is coming to me. I remember I was at this big Passover event at a church or some crap. No wait, it was probably at a temple. About 20 kids or so were searching for the Afikoman and no one could find it. We must have been looking for about 10-15 minutes when some guy grabbed me by the arm and said, "Hey kid, it's behind the piano."

I guess he was getting tired of waiting around and wanted this fiasco to end. I of course grabbed the hidden piece of Matzah and claimed my prize. I felt a little bad but realized that if not me, someone else would have been tipped off.

I kept that piece of Matzo until this very day. I'm actually eating it right now in celebration of this post and this happy day of Passover.

- MY CAT IS THE NEW POPE

2005-04-21T00:26:00.000-04:00

Conclave had to reconvene today after realizing their Pope-to-be was in the Hitler Youth Boyscout division back during WWII. So after some contemplating they chose my cat Mingus, as their new Pope.

All hail king Mingus our new glorious leader.

Ok I'm sorry I promise this is the last Pope thing for a long time. Done.

- NEW POPE YIPPPPEEEEEE

2005-04-19T19:13:00.000-04:00

Man I'm so excited about this. I heard this guy is great. An ultra conservative anti-abortion, anti-treating women like human beings, anti-divorce, anti-gay. And the whole molesting of small boys, well let's just not talk about that ok? It's not a big issue now is it? Go on wit ya badself Catholic church...Keep making this world a better place.

You know me and my buddies have "Conclave" every few months. If you watch from outside you see different colored smoke coming from my apartment window as well. But there's one difference. When our elected official comes out he can get all the cheering and applause from fans on the street, but he still must fulfill his duty of running to the corner bodega for some burritos, salsa, and chips.

Oh Pope please please tell me how to live a perfect life and adhere strictly to the doctrine that some drunk guys probably wrote as a joke a few thousand years ago. I can imagine the dudes who wrote the bible sitting around saying, "Man this is some dynamite shit, but you think anyone is ever gunna really read this?"

If it wasn't for science you morons who buy into this shit would still be worshipping the sun god and water god everyday. Remember that.

Yeah Yeah send me to hell, just pack up some Tofutti Cuties for me. Man those things are like licking monkeys. Yeah I used that line again.

I actually just found a free coupon while searching for the proper spelling of Tofutti. See, by reading my website you don't only get a dose of blasphemous rantings but you also get free treats.

- MY NEW PITCHER

2005-04-18T00:25:00.000-04:00

Say hello to the Bormioli Glass Storage Pitcher. Recently purchased by yours truly. While this dope looking pitcher may not change my life it will definitely enable me to make my Uncle Krieger homebrew ice tea and keep it in a nice container in my fridge. Man this thing is going to be sweet.

I found it amusing on cooking.com some of the review posted by people who bought this pitcher. Once I get mine I will of course post a review because hey, that's what I do.

Check out what some dude I'm going to call "Julius" from Washington D.C. wrote:

What I wanted seemed so simple: a glass juice pitcher with a lid that closed tight enough for me to swirl my orange juice around in the morning to re-mix the settled pulp, and with some stylishness. I must have looked at hundreds via the net. This is the one I chose and I'm happy with it. The square shape is very space-efficient in the fridge and the lid seals pretty tight. It looks rather elegant (though the plastic lid looks somewhat less so than the glass body of the pitcher, which is quite
nice). I liked it enough that when I'd bought one and decided I liked it, I went back and bought two more.

Yeah you did you saucy fellow. I can't mock this review too much because mine will probably sound similar except I won't use the word "stylishness" when describing a pitcher.

And this one from our friend I will call "Fellipe" from Covington, GA:

My only reservation about this pitcher is the limited amount of space between the handle and the body of the pitcher. The picture is a little deceptive. My hands are not real big, but I can only put my fingers around the handle up to the second knuckle. This is awkward and will take some getting use to. It is compact, twisting the inner part of the top gives an airtight seal and I can get my hand inside the pitcher which makes for easy cleaning. Overall, a good buy.

Hey Fellipe, the picture is deceptive because its about 1/10 the actual size of the pitcher. That and you probably have the hands of a monster.

- NO MORE ARGUING

2005-04-15T01:09:00.000-04:00

OK OK enough already. Can we go back to talking about dental floss or that awkward moment when someone asks you for an extra piece of gum and you pull out the last crumpled stick which is obviously warm and wilted with a bit of colorful lint stuck to the end, which really doesn't match the color of the pants you're wearing? So now the decision comes. Does Linda from Processing actually say, "Uh no thanks" making the scene more uncomfortable, or does she politely accept your last piece of Big Red and then toss it in the trash can when she leaves and is out of view? A better question might be how does the lint get to be that color?

UPDATE: She took the gum and later in the day I noticed just the WRAPPER in a trash can outside my office. She actually ate the gum. My god, that pig.

- DUDE WHAT THE FRIG iS GOING ON!?!

2005-04-13T14:19:00.000-04:00

So a few things. Some good, some bad. Mostly good actually.

Been getting nice publicity lately. A popular website boingboing.net put up my phony craigslist apartment listing HERE and I got over 350 hits in one day. Sweeeeet. Then yesterday the guardian.co.uk put a little link to my anti sidewalk gum spitting campaign post, but I think its gone already.

Soon I'll be dining at Arby's like the fatcats on Park Ave.

But today was the most interesting. This is a little complicated, well at least for you it will be. So turn off that Yanni record and pay attention. A friend emailed me saying NPR did a segment on the Brian Lehrer show this morning about roommates, and mentioned my phony craigslist apartment listing. They actually plugged this site, so I was pretty excited to hear about the whole thing.

I don't actually own a radio but when I do get to listen to NPR I usually enjoy it.

Since the segment was already over by the time my friend told me about it, I tried to check out their website to see what information was on there.

Anyway, the Brian Lehrer page actually had a description of the topic and gave a link to a phony craigslist apartment post which supposably "Inspired the topic."

Cool I thought as I clicked on the link, another plug for me.

Then when the page opened to my horror (Ok maybe not horror but mildy shocked and angry) I found SOMEONE HAD RIPPED ME OFF.

My phony post was not there but another, almost identical post sat before my eyes. If you must, you can read it HERE. But be warned it's not as funny as my original one HERE. Seriously though its really not.

I didn't even have to read through the past few sentences but did anyway. Without a doubt its fabricated, not real, and modeled exactly after mine. If you read them side by side there is no doubt at all about it.

I guess its a compliment, but I didn't get no credit on Brian's website originally, or these two other websites where I found links leading people to the rip off post HERE and HERE.

To update this, I found that these two sites just had the post up but didn't write it. I yelled at them both because I was rather upset but have recently retracted my original loud accusations.

Are you following this? wake up!

I actually called NPR and told them about it. I spoke with someone there who forwarded the information to their website department and the Brian Leher show. They changed the link so now it goes to my post instead of that other one. That was pretty cool of them. Maybe they didn't want to deal with my crazy lunatic fans demanding justice. By "crazy lunatic fans" I mean myself of course.

So while I was happy today I also got a little pissed. It's all about principles to me. Even when I use someone else's joke among friends, I always try to attribute it back to them.

Sucker MC's Should call me sire. I won't stop rocking till I retire - RUN DMC

To update again, I've been arguing a bit with real authentic lunatic fans of that guy Davezilla's website which had posted the imposter link. I admitted in his comments section that I did fly off the handle too quickly. But does anyone really like having their work stolen? I'm not going as far as calling my writing "art" but I do work at it and take pride in this new endeavor of mine.

- JOB VACANCY

2005-04-11T12:27:00.000-04:00

So I was searching Monster.com and CareerBuilders.com but couldn't find the Pope's job being advertised.

I figure it must be a pretty nice position. Posh pad, sweet robes, big hat. Nice balcony too.

And the throngs of mindless humans that worship you like you're a god when you're really not. Just a normal human being who has been giving a special bullet proof car.

I'm sick of the media coverage on this guy. I think we as a society should be moving away from religion especially the Catholic church who has done more damage to the world than any religion known to man.

Oh and a late Happy Easter and Passover to everyone.