Monday, April 19

- SO MANY OPTIONS:

I have an opportunity at my new job to re-invent my personality and here are some ideas I have:

1) when chatting with people I'm going to mention that my hobbies include learning and practicing old timey dances like the Charleston and the Jitterbug. I will say that I placed 2nd in a "Lindy Hop challenge" in a small town called Broomsville, North Dakota. I seriously doubt a situation will ever arrive where I would have to prove that I do in fact know these dances.

2) tell people that I'm very sensitive about jokes involving my glasses. When I was young (I will tell them) there were 3-4 bullies who used to grab my oversized glasses and toss them around over my outstretched arms yelling "Four-Eyes Cries! Four Eyes Cries!!"

3) My new nickname is going to be CatapultPants. I will just tell them that's what people call me and won't tell anyone why. They will wonder and they will ask, but I will just say, "you will find out soon enough."

4) Tell them my biological father is Ron Popeil (inventor of the Showtime (TM) Rotisserie & BBQ Oven, Veg-O-Matic, Deluxe Solid Flavor Injector, the Electric Food Dehydrator and beef jerky maker and so many others. I will say he abandoned his wife and children when I was 5 to fully pursue this career but sent us a check for $1,500 every month and a card on Christmas.

I will tell them I hold no grudges, but please don't bring in any of his patented delicious food making products, because I really can't bear to be reminded of the father I never knew.

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