- DIRTY:

I'm on the subway today twirling my pen as I so often do, always wishing and hoping in the back of my mind that I will get noticed by some undercover Olympic recruiter who will realize it should be a sanctioned event just like Diving, Long Jump, Pinnacle, or Canasta.

I dropped my pen which rarely happens but let's face it, even Barry Bonds strikes out on occasion. As the pen slipped through my fingers I let out a little gasp as I looked down at it. Decision time was upon me. Do I pick up the pen or leave it because it has touched the filthy floor. WEll I didn't really hesitate and just quickly bent down and scooped up the black ink filled writing utensil. This wasn't any old pen. It happened to be a Pilot Precise Rolling Ball pen so that coupled with the fact I was on a new cleaner 6 train helped seal the deal.

First thing I do after picking up the pen is reach into my bag for my small bottle of Purell hand sanitizer as any neurotic New Yorker would do. Wouldn't you? Seeing that I'm standing and not seated, this isn't an easy task to accomplish while avoiding falling into someone at the same time.

Trying to balance my bag with one hand and hold the pen in the other I start to drop my bag. Instinctively to free up my hand holding the pen and avoid dropping the bag, I quickly put the pen in my mouth and bite down on it.

EWWWWWWWWWWWW

When I realize what I've done I quickly spit out the pen and started licking my hand (like my hand is much cleaner right?). Then I punched an old man standing next to me who was laughing while watching this entire production. Turns out he wasn't laughing at me but was choking. Choking on prunes probably. Old people.

Actually that was all true except for that last part about the old man. What really happened was this:

I looked up and saw an old man laughing while watching this whole ordeal. He was laughing at me as he said, "Good one kid, maybe you should try gargling with that Purell hand goop!" To which I responded with, "Do people your age buy monthly Metro Card passes or do they just get the day by day ones?" Then I decked him and stole his prunes.

You know, every time I write something on here I'm always afraid that it won't be funny or amusing. Constantly fearful I'll dry out and not be able to consistently post something of worth for you the reader to view. Now after a few months I finally realize that I'm right to think that.