- MY PONCHO

I don't care how smooth you think you are. However cool you think your new pants or shnazzy shoes are or if your hair looks like a million bucks (like mine), there's just no way in hell that you can look cool wearing a Poncho.

Well that is no one cept for me. I had to buy one earlier this week when it was raining out. I had forgotten my umbrella and when lunchtime rolled around I realized it was pouring outside. I noticed my coworker had worn a poncho that morning so I asked her where she got it. Odd Lot. I didn't think those stores existed anymore but apparently they are alive and well and dispensing shitty merchandise at a hefty discount. 99 cents for this bright orange piece of miss-shaped garbage bag plastic. How could I say no?

To refresh your memory here is a nice picture of a PONCHO. Just look how happy those people are. They are all celebrating their love of the Poncho.

I actually borrowed the one she had bought and walked to Odd Lot to buy my own. It was like a test run. I figured if I hated the thing I would walk into Odd-Lot and announce, "This thing freaking sucks and I'm not buying it!" and walk out. The joke there is that the manager and cashiers would be thinking to themselves, "Wait a minute he already bought that one and wore it into our store." Shows you what they know.

But I made it to the store reasonably dry and after acting like a little old lady contemplating her purchase I decided to open my coin purse... errr I mean wallet and drop 99 cents into the open palm of the cashier and walk out with my brand new shiny orange Poncho. YEEEEEEEHAW!

Man what a moron I felt like by the end of the day when I realized the only schmucks who wear Ponchos are the Fitzpatrick family visiting from Omaha. Oh well. The worst part is this wasn't my first experience with humiliation involving a poncho. My friends bachelor party took place outdoors last summer when we went to see a Yankees/Mets game and it rained the whole time. I felt bad bringing an umbrella so I bought a $3 Poncho at Rite-Aid (another store I don't like) but I went with a purple colored one for some reason and got ragged on the entire game by my friends who said I looked like that freakish Purple McDonalds cartoon character. What food do they sell that is the color purple anyway? I mean the red and yellow ok.. Ketchup and mustard or fries are even yellowish.. But purple?

Oh and Ponchos get hot too. Definately too hot for me cause my glasses start to fog up.

I just finished about a 1/4 pound of a 1lb bag of strawberry Twizzlers. I don't feel so good.