- MY BARBER AND LIFE LESSONS

My barber cut my hair maybe for the last time tonight since I am moving to Brooklyn at the end of the month. As he snipped short pieces of my brown glory away he said, "I learned most of my English from Perfect Strangers, Facts of Life, and Mr. Belvedere."

When I heard that I almost laughed out loud..Until I realized that I probably learned a lot from watching those shows as well. But then he went on to say, "That Mr. Belvedere was very sophisticated." I almost burst out again.

But then I realized, you know what, this guy is right. Mr. Belvedere was one classy motherfucker. The British butlers though working for the American families somehow managed to make them look more like serfs while they walked around in a tux. But they still had to dust and vacuum.

I believe one can learn life lessons from shows and that ain't no lie. I remember one Christmas day at my father's house being a perfect example.

My brother was acting-a-fool and cursed at my stepmother in a very nasty way. My father in a fury said that we weren't going to the Hartford Whalers game because of his actions. The Whalers are no longer an NHL hockey team just FYI. So now because of my brother being so out of line our grand Christmas hockey plans possibly lay in ruin.

I remember being outside shooting basketballs in the snow on our new hoop when my father came outside to discuss his decision. He was wavering and didn't want to ruin the day by not going to the game but realized giving in wouldn't be the wisest thing either.

I went into a long diatribe about what would happen if he did in fact "Give in." I gave an example of an episode of the Simpsons when Bart got in a lot of trouble. At one point Bart took Grandpa's teeth out of his mouth and smashed them up with a hammer and then put them back while he was sleeping. Homer punished Bart by sending him to bed with no pizza. After hearing Bart's cries of hunger from his room, eventually Homer snuck upstairs and brought the boy some pizza with the promise that Bart would not be bad again. As Homer left the room Bart could be heard chuckling as he started to eat the pizza and saying the word, "Suckerrrrr."

I told my father that if he gave in it would give my brother permission to be bad anytime, and still get what he wanted, just like Bart felt at that moment. We ended up going to the game and not sticking to my brother's punishment. I still believe this was a pivotal moment in his upbringing and honestly, he went downhill from then and got much worse after that.

I'm pleased to say that he is doing great right now and making me and my father proud. He's also earning more money than me that little bastard! but that's cool.

Long live the Simpsons.