Monday, October 24

CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIES

I love my fortunes but always wish I could write one's for other people. Here are a few ideas I had. Anyone wishing to contribute in the comments section, please do.

- May your sex life be spicy, like our chicken curry.

- The love of your life will be swayed by your beauty and charm, and lot's of alcohol.

- You can move mountains with your persistence, or heavy machinery.

- Your wife is cheating on you, with me. Yes me, the fortune cookie writer guy.

- Yes we re-use the crispy noodles.

- What you lack in skill you make up with ignorance.

- The guy behind you is touching himself with chopsticks.

- Karate is an art form, but not when white people do it.

- That warm feeling in your belly is love. Well, love or a bad batch of dumplings.

- Low lighting is your friend. (this one I may have heard somewhere now that I'm re-reading it).

- Stay close to a bathroom if you ordered the lobster fried rice (it wasn't lobster).

- A new name will bring you luck. Like with ours after the dept of health closed us down and reopened under a new one.

11 Comments:

At 12:22 PM, Blogger Bland said...

This is a real one I once got:
Happiness is eating a pussy.

Here are some other fortunes:
You will be hungry in one hour.

We're only rude to you because we love you.

Please don't think you can pour soy sauce on anything. We hate it when you white people do that. There are in fact some dishes that don't need soy sauce. Wow. This is a long fortune. May I continue to gripe about your eating skillz? Yeah? Ok. Cool. Also, no one gives a fuck if you can't use chopsticks, so relax and eat with a fork. Jeesh.

The chef's semen, which is in your food will NOT give you a rash. I repeat: semen will not give you a rash.

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger eefers said...

I would like to file a complaint. Most of those aren't fortunes, they're statements. When I get Chinese food, I don't want to be told that I have many good friends or that I see the beauty in all things. I want to be told lies, sweet little lies like "you will soon inherit one million dollars" or "you will NOT be hungry in one hour."

 
At 5:37 PM, Blogger Bland said...

My fortune last night at Ollie's near Lincoln Center was no fortune. It read something like this: People who don't need bosses are often asked to be bosses. WTF does that mean?

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger Daniel said...

why do the cookies sometimes taste good and sometimes like crap?

the worst chinese dinner ever came near the campus of UCONN when I was in school. The food was just horrible I can't describe it.

Then to top it off they gave us a chocolate fortune cookie which again was the worst tasting cookie I've ever had. I forget the fortune but it should have read something like, "What does white man expect eating chinese food in Connecticut" but it didn't.

 
At 11:45 AM, Blogger eefers said...

Dude. I was just about to say still not a fortune, but then I realized: a fortune is something that you have that is good, whether it be jewels, money, inheritance, "many good friends," blah, blah. So I guess I need to withdraw my previous complaint, right? Maybe I want prediction cookies or cookie chock full o' lies.

Do I make any sense?

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Bland said...

Stay away from Red Hot on 7th Ave in Park Slope then. They only give chocolate fortune cookies, but I highly recomment ordering #502 The Red Hot Black Bean Tofu.

 
At 9:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was going to say, of course the worst Chinese food you ever ate was in CT, but you beat me to it. Actually, you haven't had bad Chinese food 'till you've had NJ Chinese food. The only good NJ Chinese food is from Eat Rice in Bayonne...maybe the toxic waste makes it good.

-Doronit

 
At 9:59 AM, Blogger eefers said...

This morning (it was leftover from my Uncle Liao's last night, and it was chocolate) my fortune cookie said, "Learn to love yourself and the rest will fall into place." That is definitely NOT a fortune. I want my money back.

 
At 5:14 PM, Blogger eefers said...

I had one last night at Ollie's that said "Teamwork makes the dream work." Seriously.

 
At 9:33 AM, Blogger Tree Trunk Ho Slappa said...

After watching Spaceballs I learned an important lesson, always read the fortuine before you eat the cookie, that way you can prove your father was a king. and your mother was a queen.
Which makes ME a certified princess.

Also, Tao -totally overrated-but the big budda was cool however totally eclipsed by the fab-o huge fortune-chocolate-mousse-cookie.

 
At 4:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I created a website just for this purpose. Allowing anyone to submit a Chinese fortune and get random chinese fortune from users' submission. Check it out: http://www.mychinesefortune.com . It is just for fun.

 

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