Tuesday, August 23

- MY FIRST FILM SHOULD HAVE BEEN KARATE KID PART I

But it wasn't.

And here's why.

Production started out well. I was learning my lines and picking up a passable level of karate by the second or third week of shooting. Mr. Kesuke Miyagi (aka Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita) was totally cool when we first met. He took me out for ice cream and even let me drive his car around the lot.

Elizabeth Shue was like super hot even back in 1984. Actually, ESPECIALLY IN 1984! grrrrrr. She was nice but I could tell she didn't want to hang out with me outside the set. How could I tell? Well she said, "Daniel please don't talk to me unless we are working on the movie." It doesn't get much more apparent than that. And to this day it still doesn't when girls tell me the same thing.

Ok back to the movie and not to the reason why I'm doing this 2AM on a fucking Monday Night (BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND GET IT!) And I don't have a girlfriend because my karate is shit, I realize that now.

I think you all deserve to see the picture now. You've waited long enough...So here you go:

my first film

Yeah well as you can see from the picture by the time we got into the action scenes I was walking around the set scared shitless. Let me tell you something dude, Cobra Kai don't pull punches. Not even during practice. I was getting the living shit kicked out of me on a daily basis.

That big dude to the left who played the head of Cobra Kai made me call him "Sensei" everywhere we went. I was at Burger King one day during shooting and he walked in with Johnny (Who was also a colossal prick) both wearing their karate outfits. They came up to my table and I was like "Hey guys there's extra seats over here.." My friendly offer was abruptly cut off when Johnny flipped my red plastic tray filled with food on me. I got french fries and ketchup all over my nice blouse. Shirt I mean shirt. They started laughing maniacally and then went up to the front and ordered Whoppers.

I still ate the fries off my shirt but wiped off the ketchup with knapkins. That would have been pretty gross if I had eaten that ketchup off my shirt.

I did eat the ketchup too. I lied.

So as you can see from the picture and as you can hear from my story, the movie was going very poorly. My acting was, well, great of course.

But mentally I was losing it. My on-set tutor kept having sex with extras in my trailer and I spent most of my time sitting on a stool I brought from home for some reason, crying.

Where was Mr. Miyagi during all of this? Where WAS MR. MIYAGI YOU SAY?! Ok shut up and I'll tell you. Mr. Miyagi was looking out for Mr. Miyagi. He became obsessed with really catching a fly with those chopsticks and almost went mad by the end of shooting. He started out real cool but after awhile I couldn't take it anymore hearing him call me "Danielson" all the time. To this day I'm still better with chops than that little man, I shit you not.

He was a nice guy though. Like I said he let me drive his car. Oh and he bought me a Playboy one day. Nice guy I guess.

Eventually the director (John G. Avildsen who went on to direct other great films such as Rocky V and no, I'm not kidding look it up. Boy he sucked huh?) told me things weren't working out. He could have been a little faster with yelling CUT especially during the fight scenes which we reshot too many times. So I was fired, yes it's true fans. But I wasn't sad I was just happy to go home. Ok I was a little sad.

And then they brought in some old guy named Ralph Macchio who was like 45 years old. I said "Yeah see if you can make him work you jackassas!" I didn't say it but I thought it while I was watching the movie in the theater. God I love that movie.

My mom's great and all but I wish I just gone to Jewish camp and not done the acting thing that summer.

5 Comments:

At 9:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wax on wax off.
As soon as the wax dries you will find your love
PR

 
At 3:37 PM, Blogger Tree Trunk Ho Slappa said...

I thought Owen wilson was the karate kids nemesis. The sure do look alike right? ... Im not kidding.

 
At 7:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should sell that to E! That would make a killer True Hollywood Story.

-Doronit

 
At 11:55 PM, Blogger allyson said...

This scares me a tiny bit.

 
At 9:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you really think that if you had a girlfriend you still wouldn't be writing in your blog in the am? Because I think you would.

Fianna

 

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