Monday, March 7


The first time is usually pretty special. You're obviously nervous but are you excited? Well hell yeah. You've thought about doing it a thousand times but each time you tried to get up the nerve you would just walk right back out the front door.

Yes renting a porn movie for the first time is memorable event.

As you walk in through the front door making your way towards the comedy section you begin quickly flipping through old copies of Coming to America and the Police Academy series. The first was the best but Citizens On Patrol was a worthy submission into the long line of films that kept Steve Guttenburg and Michael Winslow at the top, you think to yourself. The man at the counter slowly flips through his worn out three month old copy of Time magazine and occasionally shoots you a curious glance as if to say, "Kid how many times you gunna rent Ferris Buellers Day Off?"

You're 18 now. And for a month already, still haven't worked up the nerve to rent the tapes in the back of the store. What are you waiting for, just go for it!

Placing back D.C. Cab onto the shelf, which you've never seen but heard is terrible so it doesn't really matter anyway, you make your way slowly and confidently towards the blinking neon ADULT sign. Heaven is only a few steps away.

The cheap wooden swinging salon doors gently creak as you push your shoulder into them. This must be one of the greatest rooms in the world, you think to yourself. More important than the oval office, at least in your Gatorade and Slim Jim soaked 18 year old brain.

As the doors part your eyes widen as these large video boxes starring back at you are covered with beautiful naked women. BOOBIES! You throw your arms in the air triumphantly and spin around with a huge smile plastered on your face.

But then the man who had his back to you when you walked in turns around with his copy of Nasty Nurses #4 and you recognize him as the father of your best friend from school. As Billy's dad give you a wink and a hearty laugh you just drop your copy of Debbie Does Dallas and run out in tears.

But then the internet was invented. God bless you Al Gore you silly man.


At 11:53 AM, Anonymous andrei said...

Lol, great post. I'd be embarased to go to those sections too...

It's like touching real-life 3D carbon-based boobs for the first time: you've never seen them in real life, everyone thinks its blasphemy, but the first time you do it -- it's a slice of Heaven.

At least that's how it was for me.


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