Tuesday, March 29


Sometimes staying awake at the keyboard can be a tremendous struggle like the battle between good and evil, chocolate and vanilla, appolo creed and rocky. After a nice lunch it's normal to want to zonk out for a few minutes. Rest your eyes.

One afternoon at my old job I was working with my project director on some data checking thing. He was going over some numbers and I was cross checking them and then entering them into a database on my computer. Sitting behind me he had a view of the screen and the back of my head.

It was post lunch and I was tired. As I typed away I felt my eyes growing heavier and heavier. The pace of my typing slowed.

"Daniel you get that?"


"Daniel are you sleeping?"

I had fallen asleep while he sat there reading and didn't wake up again until I heard him calling my name. I was caught. No denying this one. It wasn't like when your boss comes into your office and you jump up pretending to yawn and stretch your arms out. That's an easy one to get out of.

"Uh yeah must have fallen asleep for a minute there," I mumbled like a moron.

I think he was caught off guard even more so than myself. I was just upset that the beginning of what would have been a beautiful slumber had been interrupted. He was dumbfounded at the idea that an employee would fall asleep at the keyboard especially with a supervisor sitting two feet behind him.

I've gotten much better at my new job. I avoid all this by taking my naps in the supplies closet.

Wednesday, March 23


I was looking at a post-it-note I was writing on just now at work and watched as my hand moved back and forth creating these scribbled black lines and I had to step back. How amazing is it, I mean when you really think about it. I can scratch these lines together into patterns and another human being who speaks my language can immediately recognize the message I am trying to transmit.

And then I looked over at my box of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies I just bought from a co-worker. Those are pretty amazing too if you think about it.

Tuesday, March 22


Things I don't really like in the office.

One is when people talk to you very closely while holding their pen inches from your clothing. One slip and your shirt will be ruined with ink. Not just that but having to deal with the inevitable apologizing that will follow is almost as bad. If you're standing close proximity next to someone at their desk just put your fucking pen in your pocket or at least put the cap on it. And don't pick up my pencil, put it in your mouth, and then walk away with it.

What are you my dog? I mean seriously only a pet does something like that without thinking about it.

Another one is when I'm eating lunch at my desk and someone smells it and announces that, "Something smells good," and then reach their neck into my cubicle which inevitably is followed by the rest of their body as they hover over me saying how great that looks. I sometimes throw some food over the top of my cubicle hoping they will go chase after it, which they usually do.

I find it amusing that it's acceptable to stand there talking while I'm eating at my desk meanwhile if I bumped into these same people at a real restaurant we would barely nod towards each other in acknowledgement.

Or worse yet is you bringing food into my work space and standing there eating it. I don't want crumbs from a pretzel rod landing on my mouse pad thank you.

Anyone out there have coworkers who do offensive things?

Tuesday, March 15


- An update to my previous post with the same title. Again I present the question, what is "The Doubt" anyway? I think that is the only time you hear the word doubt presented with a THE in front of it. Si?

So I have to tell you about some stuff I've seen over the past few weeks and I decided to present these little snippets of life in this little segment called, "Benefit of the doubt!"

1) A man this morning on Broadway coming around the back of a van seemingly zipping up his pants up as I was walking to work. It sounded like he mumbled "I'm sorry" to the few people who were walking by at that moment. He was wearing a Mets hat. I don't know if that was his van and he had just parked and was getting out and finishing dressing since it was early in the morning, or more likely he had just pissed all over the tires of that van and was apologizing to the few people walking by at that moment in case the van was one of ours. He doesn't get the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT! (There is an imaginary sound effect to accompany that finishing line, like a jail cell door slamming or a loud buzzer. You can imagine something in your own mind. Just be glad you don't hear the same noises in your head as I do.)

2) Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm How about a 29 year old man standing at the end of his bed folding bath towels and laying them on his bed and then taking a measuring tape and trying to figure out exactly which size towel rack he should purchase. Oh should I mention that it's almost 4am on a Saturday night that he's doing this? It's a tough decision because one towel rack is longer overall but the depth of the top shelf doesn't go out far enough to provide adequate space for stacking towels. Of course this is the cheaper model but the more expensive model is well 80 bucks, which although lovely seems a bit much to blow on a fucking towel rack dude.

Now maybe it's because his girlfriend left him alone for the night or maybe just possibly-perhaps because he has completely lost his mind? Does he get the benefit of the doubt? I have to agree with you here and say nope.

3) A man walking onto the subway yesterday who smacked his head square against the top of the car. He must have been like 6'5 or so. I was thinking to myself ouch that has to hurt but really, doesn't he know how tall he is and how tall the subway car is? It's not like the height of the subway cars vary, they are all pretty standard.

The only benefit of the doubt he might get is if he was a tourist and had never experienced the city before. If that was the case then yes he would get the benefit of the doubt. But I am thinking no, he gets the GONG!!! GONG! And shouldn't be such a tall putz.

4)A fortune cookie wrapped up in cellophane that says, "Support the 84 Olympics," Was this a typo or was this a fortune cookie more than 20 years old? I can't believe that it's already 2005. Felt like 2003 just a few months ago.

On another note I think someone should make a teapot with a built in electronic timer that buzzes. When I brew my own tea I often forget about it and if it sits more than a 5-10 minutes or so it becomes bitter and I have to start all over.

Wednesday, March 9


Just missed it, or a hole in one???

Just missed it? or hole in one?

Monday, March 7


The first time is usually pretty special. You're obviously nervous but are you excited? Well hell yeah. You've thought about doing it a thousand times but each time you tried to get up the nerve you would just walk right back out the front door.

Yes renting a porn movie for the first time is memorable event.

As you walk in through the front door making your way towards the comedy section you begin quickly flipping through old copies of Coming to America and the Police Academy series. The first was the best but Citizens On Patrol was a worthy submission into the long line of films that kept Steve Guttenburg and Michael Winslow at the top, you think to yourself. The man at the counter slowly flips through his worn out three month old copy of Time magazine and occasionally shoots you a curious glance as if to say, "Kid how many times you gunna rent Ferris Buellers Day Off?"

You're 18 now. And for a month already, still haven't worked up the nerve to rent the tapes in the back of the store. What are you waiting for, just go for it!

Placing back D.C. Cab onto the shelf, which you've never seen but heard is terrible so it doesn't really matter anyway, you make your way slowly and confidently towards the blinking neon ADULT sign. Heaven is only a few steps away.

The cheap wooden swinging salon doors gently creak as you push your shoulder into them. This must be one of the greatest rooms in the world, you think to yourself. More important than the oval office, at least in your Gatorade and Slim Jim soaked 18 year old brain.

As the doors part your eyes widen as these large video boxes starring back at you are covered with beautiful naked women. BOOBIES! You throw your arms in the air triumphantly and spin around with a huge smile plastered on your face.

But then the man who had his back to you when you walked in turns around with his copy of Nasty Nurses #4 and you recognize him as the father of your best friend from school. As Billy's dad give you a wink and a hearty laugh you just drop your copy of Debbie Does Dallas and run out in tears.

But then the internet was invented. God bless you Al Gore you silly man.

Thursday, March 3


I eat a lot of chinese food and therefore have many fortune cookies. Hey I have to get my material for this website from somewhere.

Think of the danger while things are going smoothly

What is this all about? Aren't fortunes supposed to be nice happy positive messages. I can understand the positive spin of this fortune, you know, just be cautious about life and be wary of what might happen. But after stuffing my face with scallion pancakes and #15 Dragon and Phoenix (Morsels of Chicken Sauteed In Hot and Spicy Sauce, Accompanied with Sauteed Prawns In a Lightly Flavored Sauce), I DO NOT want to think of what danger might come. I'm automatically thinking, "Does this mean something I just ate from this chinese flop house is going to make me sick?"

This is a great day to handle those real estate matters!

Again, what the hell is this? What happened to the Confucious sayings when I was a wee toddler reading my fortune as a child. Sayings like, "He who expects no gratitude
shall never be disappointed." Now it's shit telling you to buy stuff. I guess Confucious must have died or got fired from his job writing fortunes.

Happy life is just in front of you

After finishing my meal of Honey Crispy Chicken at Wo Hop on Mott street I was a bit dissapointed when I realized I was getting the bill with no fortune cookie. Knowing that I would be posting more Chinese Fortunes on my website for you loyal readers, I had to ask for the cookie which is the first time I had done that. They probably thought I was a lunatic.

When I tore open the yellowish brown cookie and found this fortune inside I'll admit I was a bit excited. Happy Life is right in front of you! As I looked up expecting to see Selma Hayek asking me if I want to take a cab to her apartment, all I saw was an elderly gentleman putting on his coat. I started thinking to myself that maybe I should talk to him. Possibly he owned some huge corporation and would want me to run it or maybe he was dying and decided to give his fortune to the next person to randomly start talking to him. All these hopes and dreams vanished when he blew his nose into a knapkin and put it on the counter then walked out of the restuarant while clearing his nose further with his fingers. Oh well. Next time you ancient Chinese philosphers have to be more specific.