Monday, August 30


The Republicans Not Cool Convention strolled into town this weekend and I was there front and center at the big protest rally. Actually I wasn't really part of the protest I just happen to get caught in it because I had to go to a store on 23rd street and walked through Union Square. Lots of Hippies in town who could benefit from a lesson in fashion and personal hygiene in my opinion.

I'm all for equality when it comes to women but come on ladies.. I'm sorry you just have to shave your legs and pits. If you don't it's kinda hard to differentiate between the two sometimes...might as well just date men I mean I have more in common with them anyway.

Walking to work this morning a woman was riding a bike with her friend and I overheard her comment. "It feels like there's a big fat sweaty Republican breathing on me." I found it amusing because in the city right now the presence of the Convention is felt all over, and the past few days have been quite humid and uncomfortable. Summed it up quite nicely I thought.

And just now I was carded for smokes. That hasn't happened in a long time so I was quite flattered and like an old woman fishing for more compliments I said, "How old do you think I look?" He said 21 which was fine with me.

If I look 21 though, how come I have so much trouble picking up girls on the college campuses? Oh right. It's probably the sunglasses, low cut raincoat, goggles around my neck, and the black socks pulled up knee high with leather sandal's. Yeah that might be it.

Thursday, August 26


I'm writing a 30 minute sitcom right now for a television contest on Bravo. The writers of the two final scripts are flown out to L.A. for 10 weeks while Bravo makes a reality show following the process of taking a script and making it into a tv show. At least that's what I think the whole deal is.

I don't expect to have my script accepted, but one can dream. Right now though I have to say that this is a great learning experience for me. I've never actually sat down and purposefully worked on a creative project like this. Most of my artistic endeavors are done for fun only.

So it is coming along slowly but I think I've written a few good scenes. I've also written a few sucky ones, but that has to be expected. So when it is done I might have a link so people can read it if they feel so inclined.

now for the part you've been waiting for. THE REVIEWS!!!!

New Malaysian Restaurant: 46-48 Bowery Street Chinatown Arcade #28

This place is actually through an alleyway between two streets so it isn't the easiest place to find. If you do manage to find it though I will highly recommend one thing here, the Roti Canai. I've had this a few places but New Malaysian Restaurant (the Old Malaysian restaurant was destroyed during the great curry drought of 88) has this thing down, yeah they do. The Roti Canai is a thin crispy fried pancake served with a chicken curry broth which is so good I asked for a glass of it with a straw. No I didn't. Yes I did. No no really I didn't.

Overall the lunches are fair because I'm not a big fan of weird stuff as you should know by now. For example, the pad Thai has way too many tentacles in it for my liking. I never even realized that was regular ingredient of pad Thai. The soups there are all pretty tasty. Service is friendly and if you're like me you'll be the only white person there, which is O.K. by me. I recently walked out of a chinese restaurant in Chinatown because there were too many tourists there. I was with my friend and he is like, "Dude what's your issue?" I'm like "Too many white people." And then I took him to New Malaysia and he gave it two tentacles up.

Last time I was walking out of this restaurant I read a few reviews, one of which mentioned the special roti canai. This review also pointed out the dish which wins my, "Not in a million years would I eat that," award. Ducks Blood. Apparently the dish contains real congealed ducks blood and the servers warn you that it is real if it's your first time ordering. Gross.

New Green Bo 66 Bayard Street Chinatown, NYC 212-625-2359

new Green Bo is a popular Chinatown restaurant specializing in Dim Sum and dumplings. The vegetable dumplings are fresh, plump, and really tasty. $1.50 gets you a large scallion pancake which is crispy and not soggy so I like that.

The menu is quite large unlike the actual restaurant which is rather small and often requires a wait. Sharing a table here is usually required so be prepared to talk to an elderly couple from Oklahoma about bingo or Abraham Lincoln or some shit like that. It's worth it though. Best name for a dish here is Spicy Eight Jewel. Cool.

Tuesday, August 24


Grown deep within the sweltering jungles of Brazil there lies a curved piece of shining gold. Not just one piece but you see more as the branches are cleared away. There are thousands of them there. A dazzling display by the long proud trees.


Brought to the mainland in 1742 by the wife of a French cabinet maker who was on vacation with some friends, bananas have become an important part of society as a whole. It's more than the delicious taste and nutritional bounty that bananas supply, it's the long storied past that up till now has never been told.

Anna Bane, the wife of French cabinet maker, was returning to her homeland when the boat's captain took rollcall to make sure all passengers were accounted for. When the captain got to her name he pronounced it incorrectly and reading it backwards it sounded like Bahhh NAaana. Anna heard this and immediately a light went off. She would name this fruit after herself in some capacity. "I shall call it the BANANA!" she cried.

No one else on board had any idea what she was talking about since she had decided to keep the discovery of this new magical fruit a secret until telling her husband, the cabinet maker. But no one on board really cared anyway, I mean it was fucking 1742 right? People had a lot of other problems.

In 1996 a group of Spanish tourists discovered several untouched caves deep within the hills of the Malaysian seacoast. Within these caves were ancient etchings depicting terrible famines, droughts, monsters, and a large powerful creature shaped and colored like a banana. Apparently this specific Mayonnaisian tribe worshipped the banana like it was a god.

Other than that not much history is known about the banana other than the fact it gets along well with ice cream and gets mushy and rotten if not supervised properly.

Wow, Banana.

Friday, August 20


Sit down before you read this because it's almost too exciting to handle. Next month is the yearly Health and Safety training here at work and I have been delegated the tremendous responsibility of signing people up for this training. I told you it was exciting, you should have believed me.

I remember why I went to college now and remember why I worked my way up to Project Coordinator at the Psychiatric Institue at my last job. It was so I could then go work for the city and sign people up for a freaking Health and Safety training.


so after setting up dates/times with people for this training here at my Bureau, I have been sending out these confirmation letters:

Staff member,

You are currently scheduled to attend the Safety Training at the following time and room number:

Thursday 10/7/2004
11:00 - 12:30
Room 225

On the day of your scheduled training, please bring with you the following items:

* 12 popsicle sticks
* can opener
* 2 AA batteries (preferably used ones with very little energy left)
* oversized novelty sunglasses
* a deck of unmarked playing cards
* a small container of leftover vegetables (any kind is ok, I just love
leftovers for some reason!)

Thank you.


Another one had the same introudction but different items to bring:

* writing utensil
* pad of paper
* safety goggles
* 1 hairdryer (we will have some available but it would be better so you don't have to share)
* 15 paper clips
* 3 pieces of orange construction paper
* 1 empty washed out milk carton (preferably 1% if you drink that. Any other type of milk carton is fine. Except for soy milk.)

To update today, I just sent out a third version. I'm trying these out to see which sounds the most realistic. Also to update, no one has written me back yet and said "Ha Ha Daniel very funny!" so maybe they are taking it seriously?

* bicycle pump (if you don't have one, just bring in a small manual pencil sharpener).
* 1 back issue of Readers Digest
* 1 can of Diet Rite soda
* 1 pack of 88 Topps Baseball Trading cards (unopened of course)
* An aunt or uncle

To answer your question YES I really did send these out. But I admit I'm only sending them to people I'm more familiar with, who will realize I'm joking (hopefully).

But if someone showed up for this training with safety goggles and and empty milk carton I would probably fall on my ass laughing.

Wednesday, August 18


Well the real website is taking a bit longer than anticipated to put up. I took a dreamweaver class and thought I was all set but came home and basically felt like the monkey in 2001 Space Odyssey, banging a stick against some futuristic looking piece of steel. What was I talking about? Oh yeah food no wait it was websites. So here are a few more reviews I've written. I am running a little low on the comedy lately but did something I thought was funny at work today. I'll probably tell you all about it on Friday or possibly Monday or never unless you're good.

Be good.

Tasty Dumpling

I frequent this hole in the wall at least once a week. I actually wrote a blog about it once but I was being a bit harsh as I've never actually seen a cook there do those nasty things, only imagined it. Every time I go in this place the alarms go off and about 20 cooks come crashing through the ceiling and windows like a frigging SWAT team. Or like ninjas in a kung-fu movie. Whichever helps you visualize it better.

The dumplings here are 5 for a dollar and are quite "tasty," as the restaurant's name would lead you to believe. My standby choices are #1, #2 and #16. I forget what's in them but it's usually some kind of pork and either a vegetable like cabbage or chives. A good reviewer would probably know the exact ingredients of the food he/she is reviewing.

I never said I was a good food reviewer critic guy thingy. I think I just said I like to eat.

Another favorite of mine there is the golden pancake which is a lightly fried piece of bread with some scallions on it. For 50 cents you can't go wrong with that thing as it's almost a meal within itself. A tip if going is to order from the items which are ready and warm such as the first few dumplings on the menu. Otherwise you may be standing there for 10 minutes as they don't have all the items hot and ready to go. Vegetable dumplings are 8 for $2 and they are mmmmm Tasty!

Great Jones Cafe - 54 Great Jones St East Village New York City 212-674-9304

I have eaten here twice with my girlfriend and enjoyed it both times. We did brunch there and they have some options not found at most of your typical nyc restaurants. The cuisine has a southern influence and some of the dishes have quite a kick to them (and if that's not enough there is green habenero sauce on the table). I had jambalaya omelet which comes with potatoes and a nice fat biscuit or tasty piece of jalepeno cornbread covered with a bit of honey.

The waitstaff is friendly but a bit slow at times when it gets busy, which is understandable. The overall vibe of the restaurant warrants usage of the word, "vibe," being that it's where the hipsters go to hangout and grab a bite to eat. I don't like their "No Pants No Service" policy but then again I hate it pretty much anywhere I dine. I will definitely be eating there again and looking forward to trying their sweet potato fries and $10 hamburger. Cost of brunch is about 10 bucks including OJ or coffee.

Friday, August 13


Sorry I almost fell asleep there. Shouldn't be drinking at work. A good idea is to bring in a bunch of half empty liquor bottles and scatter them around your desk. Don't make it too conspicuous though. Try to partially hide them under some file folders or behind a plant, as an example. Then when someone comes over to your desk and says, "Daniel what is the deal with all the bottles?" Just put your head on your desk in crossed arms and start sobbing quietly and don't answer them. That will give old Gracie in Accounts Payable something to talk about during dinner.

Question? Do all countries say something when you sneeze? Do they do that in Asia? I'd imagine in some countries you get punched in the stomach for sneezing. Thankfully we just say god bless you or as I've recently started saying, "HALLELUJAH!" Remember in school when we were taught that shaking someone's hand in a foreign country can be insulting? I think that's bullshit and it was just a big practical joke that our teachers played on us.

Tuesday, August 10


So if you're like me you've been hearing a lot about these conjoined twins lately. It seems there's always a pair on the news just begging some fancy pants doctor in the states to separate them. Well it's probably more like their parents or a representing diplomat from their country begging, but you know what I mean.

These conjoined twins never seem to come from Kansas or Arkansas, places I would naturally assume these Freaks of Nature to come from. I'm sorry. "Freaks of Nature" isn't being compassionate. I think they prefer "Natures greatest Oddities." Wow what a jerk I am. They always come from a small South American or a lesser know Asian country it seems.

To see some interesting drawings and add to your knowledge base the defining qualities of conjoined twins click here. Some of those positions just don't seem comfortable to have another person sitting right next to you.

Remember the good old days when these twins were paraded around in traveling shows and gazed upon by slack jawed yokels for 50 cents a gander? Well no more. One thing I find so fascinating is how excited the doctors in the United States get when we offer up our fine advanced medical services to try to pry a pair of these suckers apart. They are always on t.v. almost jumping up and down like this is the fucking Olympics of surgery. I guess if you're used to operating the same old basic appendectomy or coronary bypass, getting your shot at this is like hitting the surigical jackpot.

As I was writing this my girlfriend asked, "If you had a conjoined twin where would you want him on your body?" I said, "Definately my ass to his face."

A friend I was on instant messanger also said, "I like the parasitic one the best. How sweet would that be having an arm with a middle finger extended growing off the back of your neck?"

I'm going straight to hell but at least it's a scenic ride.

Friday, August 6


I mean my last brush with stardom was only a few weeks ago and now another opportunity presents itself.

But this time in the form of the WB network (insert GONG noise here)

A friend of a friend just got a job working on a new reality type home makeover show or something like that. The premise of the show as far as I can ascertain is a mixture of a Dr. Phil meets Queer Eye meets Trading Spaces. They are looking to do makeovers, reunite long lost loves, confront bullies of the past.. all that good stuff. And they send out people to your home to do what is needed. Basically to fix your sorry ass up.

So I got an email saying they need compelling people for the show from my friend asking if I or anyone knows someone who would want to be on the show.

Of course if you know me you know I love attention so I called up the friend whose number was on the email. After speaking with her on the phone, the first suggestion she had was to do a "Masculine Makeover" on me because I told her about my NY Times article and my propensity towards the domestic. I didn't really bite on that idea because I prefer to think of myself as balanced as opposed to lacking masculinity. So what if I have foot scrub in my bathtub buddy, doesn't mean I can't kick your ass in a bar fight. Well yes it does I don't like to fight or like the thought of having a tooth punched out of my mouth. ewwww!

An idea we both agreed may work is a makeover for my upcoming high school reunion. Since my friend went to high school with me and we were in the same grade I guess h had mentioned the reunion to her and said I've changed a lot since high school. I'm not so sure about that. I may be a bit more intellectual than I was in High School but I'm still pretty immature and goofy overall.

But I imagined rolling up with a camera crew to the reunion and started to think how hysterical it would be. I'm not thinking of this as, "Wow how cool would this be?!" I'm thinking more that it would be a total gag almost and just fucking funny as hell. Get me a 100 dollar haircut which will look the same as my $10 cut from Jose, my barber on 171st and Broadway. Take me shopping for a new outfit. I would show up on camera wearing a totally dorky outfit just to make myself look extra stupid. Pants pulled up to my ears. Then walk out of a store with nice new threads.

She mentioned me going from Geek to Chic. I could send her clips from my college tv show where I looked like a total moron. That angle could be easy because I have some really super embarrassing pictures from High School and did dress like a total dork, which I guess I still kinda do. Another thing is how I couldn't get a chick with a shotgun and a barrel. Wait that's a saying isn't it? No. No it isn't. Anyway I don't know what to think. Should I go for it? It might be a lot of fun. It might also be super embarrassing. I can't decide.


First the news. I will hopefully be putting up a real website within the next few weeks so I am pretty psyched about that. It will basically be this blog and some of my photography and other crap. Don't worry I will still be posting new stuff as often as I can until my brain runs dry. And you will only have to pay $9.95 a month to be a member.

just kidding

Now for the reviews. Something I've started doing recently is writing reviews while eating out during lunch everyday. I think I look pretty cool with my classic-speckled-black-covered-writing-book and sweet precise rolling ball pen. I always wish that a waiter would notice and perhaps think I'm a food critic and give me free food but that never happens. Maybe they realize real critics don't wear fanny packs, beer helmets, and shirts that souvenir shop sell which say, "New York City," like I do.

Here are two of my first reviews. Please don't ask me why I do this because there is no real good answer that would leave either you or me satisfied.

Taste Good - 53 Bayard Street Chinatown New York City 212-513-0818

Taste Good is a Malaysian Cuisine restaurant. This was one of my favorite spots before working in Chinatown simply for one dish which is the Roti Telur. This appetizer is an Indian pancake filled with onion, egg, and green chili served with a chicken curry sauce. Their large Shrimp Wanton soup is also delicious. I am going to stay away from the Indian Mee Goreng which has curry squid sauce which I've had but don't love. Most of their currys are good and overall the food is above average. The staff is attentive and friendly and began recognizing me recently as a regular which is always nice. The decor is definately cleaner and more attractive then its neighboring competitors.

Fuleen Seafood Restaurant 11 Division Street Chinatown New York City 212-941-6888

I love when restaurants actually put the word "Restaurant" in their title. Actually I don't love it I think it's pretty dumb but I will look past this little dumdum thing and say that Fuleen has one of the best lunch deals in Chinatown. For 5 dollars you have a choice of at least 30 lunch specials which is far greater than the typical Chinese chicken w/broccoli + white rice + choice of wanton or egg drop slinging flop houses found within this city.

I have yet to been dissapointed there and can recommend the beef curry, chicken curry, chicken with peanuts, and shrimp with hot chili sauce as some great lunch choices. The specials only come with white rice and a bowl of house soup which tastes like something wrung out of a soaking wet gym sock but I find myself still coming close to finishing it each time. Maybe I just like sweaty socks. Is that ok with you?

I assume they are known for their seafood considering the name, and the fact they have tanks with live fish in them. I can say from my choices that the shrimp is good, and the portions are very generous. Almost everytime I'm there I see tables sharing big bowls of clams and snails as appetizers so I assume those items are good and fresh being as they are so popular. I wouldn't eat those things though, just as I wouldn't eat their plate of chicken feet Cantonese style, salted baked duck tongue, or special crispy black jelly fish. Otherwise it's pretty great.

Monday, August 2


I keep trying to convince myself that I like Honey Mustard but the fact is I just don't think I do. I don't know if it's pressure from my peers, colleagues, friends, family or the members of the Mustard council but I think it's time I just stood up and said, "NO DAMMIT! I DON'T LIKE THIS!"

Other things I've tried to like in the past but failed miserably in my attempts:

Cooked fish
sundried tomatoes
Dave Mathews Band
peeing in the woods
Led Zepplin
chicken feet dim sum
Frank Sinatra

*I have to say I really do like my relatives, this one is a joke but the other stuff I seriously don't like.