- SOMEONE PLEASE FIND ME A JOB!

Dear God,

Please get me the fuck out of my job and find me a better one. I know you're busy but come on let's face it, you're always busy. It's not like you have a quiet day where you can sit out on the back porch on your lawn chair with a Guinness and OH JESUS WHY DID YOU DO THAT GOD! Just as I was writing this entry my supervisor came over to my desk and started talking to me and I didn't minimize this screen! Oh well I don't think he saw what I was writing but just look at that opening line, there is definitely a possibility he saw it. You know what, I don't care. You're a funny one though always with the practical jokes like making my birthday the most depressing day of the year.

Can someone with a barrel full of cash or monkeys come swoop me away and give me an interesting job. I don't even need that much more money and I am willing to work but I want something that utilizes my skills and creativity.

Is there anyone out there? God? Jesus? Moses? Uncle Moishe?

Why do we pray to dead people? I think if we prayed to people who were actually alive standing there in front of us you could get a lot more accomplished. I mean imagine someone drops to your feet and begins to pray to your name? You would probably be so taken aback you would grant them at least one or two of their wishes.

I WANT A NEW JOB!

HATE IT

HATE


IT!

- PHRASES THAT WON'T CALM ME DOWN

- It's only the mafia.

- Sure you can re-use dental floss, it can be used over and over again. (My old dentist as he was flossing my teeth after a cleaning. He later reassured me that he meant he does that at home of course never in the office. I still was a little nervous, I mean who uses a strand of dental floss more than once?)

- Don't move and don't swallow. (My new dentist when the crown she was putting on my tooth slipped out of her fingers and landed on the back of my throat. She quickly reached in and grabbed it. Yeah man I hate going to the dentist.)

- I don't think that was our food he just sneezed on.

- It's only 4 more years.

- SCIENTISTS SAY MY BIRTHDAY IS MOST DEPRESSING OF THE YEAR

And I'm not even kidding. Look I even have proof. A British psychologist used an equation to find the most depressing day of the year and it makes perfect sense that it falls on January 24th, my birthday. What you didn't know my birthday was Monday? Shame on you. I wouldn't have mentioned it but seeing how it is now scientifically proven that I was born on the most depressing day of the year, things are starting to make more sense.

Now I know why everyone was always crying in my birthday pictures, including the clowns, and my parents.

Check out the link HERE, if you need some cheering up.

- BUSH, THE AMAZING

Does that picture just say to you, "What Me Worry?" And how about the deal with that dopey looking moron who seems to be growing out of the back of Bush?

I read a scathing op-ed piece in the Times today. Yes I know it is a liberal paper and their opinion pieces are extremely Anti-Bush. But how could anyone disagree with the shameful amount of money spent on the inaugural party last night. 40 million dollars? Are you shitting me?

Like the writer says, how could Bush be dancing and talking about freedom and never actually mention the war while thousands upon thousands of people have died in Iraq and there is no end in site. It was similar to listening to him speak at the RNC. If I didn't know what was going on and looked to my president for understanding I would be a very uninformed, ignorant person (which I am anyway). Shouldn't leaders be upfront with the people they are leading? I can understand some distraction techniques but I swear it's like no one explained to Bush that we are still at war and that people are actually dying. Does he turn on the television set or read the news at all? Who the hell is giving him his information?

This isn't acceptable for ANY president be you a democrat, republican or independent. You have a responsibility to be a great leader, how hard should that be to really find?

Can you imagine if troops in Iraq watched footage of Bush with his sugar coated speech and his wife in her fancy dress? I would be sick if I was giving my life for this country and realized my leader didn't give two shits about me. It reminds me of learning about Kings and how out of touch with reality they were. Sitting there with jewels dangling off their neck and wrists, laughing, drinking wine, ripping drumsticks off huge roasted turkeys. Meanwhile people were outside in the cold scrounging for food.

Kings like that don't last forever though.

- BADLY DAMAGED RUG

In continuing with my recent craigslist fascination, here is an ad I placed on Craigslist in the furniture section:

Badly Damaged Rug $75 Carrol Gardens

I have a rug that has been soiled somewhat by several people and/or animals. I
think this rug was purchased at a nice store like pottery barn or T.J. Max but I actually found it and didn't buy it myself. It was hanging out of the back of an
open truck.

Anyway there are some stains and several large paw prints, possibly a moose (or
is it Meese in the plural?) The original color was blue it seems. Now it's a
blueish-orangish-yellow. There is a floral pattern with pictures of bugs. Or birds, they might be birds.

I have no picture because my roomate broke my digital camera. Sorry.

$75 or best offer.


I received a few responses from people around the city. Here are a few of them:

RESPONSE #1 Someone wrote me back saying that it was funny and thanks for making his/her day.

RESPONSE #2 I got another one saying, "Why don't you throw that rug away? Are you really that hard up for cash?"

I responded, "Well I wouldn't say I'm hard up for cash but I actually do a lot of bad things for money. Also I'm currently sleeping on that rug so can't really throw it away."

His response to that was, "I'm sorry I came off so wrong.......Best of luck to you....Remember this is a new year and you have the opportunity to have a new start. You will be fine. God Bless."

Man I feel like a jerk. I'm writing him back right now telling him I was just joking around. I feel bad. If he had offered me a free meal or something I would have taken him up on the offer.

RESPONSE #3 A woman wrote me being a wise ass saying, "Wow that rug sounds great. can I take a look? your description really sells it. i mean, yeah."

I wrote her back, "Sorry but the rug has already been sold. Thank you for your inquiry though."

RESPONSE #4 Woman wrote me saying, "Badly damaged, and your selling it for $75??? Wha wha what!!! "

I wrote them back, "I had two people come to see it. One was a man and the other was a woman. They showed up at the same time to my apartment and each offered me $50. It was a strange situation. They started talking to each other while me and my dog just stood there on the very rug these people were going to buy. Apparently the two had a lot in common as they were standing there talking and talking.

Finally the guy said that she could have the rug and that he would help bring it to her apartment. But he made her promise to have a cup of coffee with him afterwards.

I hope they don't have sex on that carpet as it is badly soiled, but hey I was upfront about that with my post. Wasn't I?"

Her response to that, "LMAO....yo at first i thought it was a joke, and now, well hey good for you....yeah thats the only thing, personally i woudnt pay for a soiled rug, but if they were willing to, and in fact did, who knows....anythings possible! ;o) Take it easy...

- HE DID IT AGAIN!

Ok this is ridiculous. It must sound like a joke but it isn't. I came home tonight and again smelled the faint aroma of pee pee and frantically looked and sniffed around my new couch which was still in it's shrink wrap (It wasn't unwrapped because it was delivered 9am this morning).

I realized he wouldn't have done that so I walked into my bedroom and headed for my other tall plant and sure enough when I bent down I smelled it.

Me: Mingus what is your deal, seriously? I mean are you having trouble finding your litter box? You're not pooping outside the box. Wait isn't that like an educational saying. No that's, "Thinking outside the box."

Mingus: Moron.

Me: Shadddup. What's the deal? do you not like the new apartment?

Mingus: No I'm fine I just don't feel comfortable until my smell is permanently attached to this new place. You must understand?

Me: No not really. I can't say I do.

Mingus: Didn't you once wear the same pair of jeans for 85 straight days?

Me: Don't change the topic, we're talking about you.


There's no talking to that cat. He just sits there and stares at me and then stares at the wall. On a sidenote I think that when cats stare up at the wall they see ghosts that we can't see. Either that or they're just really stupid.

Ok I think I figured out the entire thing. I realized I put new potting soil in both of those plants and the soil was very moist and soft. It must have gotten his attention and felt like nice soft litter or something, so he pissed on it. Fair enough, you would have done the same thing. But not me. You animal.

If that mop of fur pisses on my new couch though I'm going to saute him with some scallions and water chesnuts..With a side of wasabi mashed potatoes. I'm hungry.

- MY CAT PEED IN MY PLANT

I was sitting here at my computer prepared to bring you an engaging post about my umbrella until a more exciting story developed in the process. I guess I should start with the umbrella thing before I get to the details of the pee party Mr. Mingus had with my plant.

I just received a brand new replacement for my ShedRain WindJammer umbrella you can check out here . My post was going to tell you listeners why it's sometimes worth spending a little extra to buy a nice product. Yes I realize the umbrella is $26 but after doing much research I choose that specific umbrella because of the size and wind resistant properties about 2 years ago. It did fine work protecting me from the rain until recently when it finally started to break apart.

Most umbrellas last how long, maybe a few months, half a year if you're lucky? Well for 2 years it was worth having a good sturdy umbrella that was pretty wind resistant. When it finally broke down I sent it in to ShedRain and they replaced it with a brand spanking new umbrella for free. Lifetime warranty. I guess they realize how many people lose their umbrellas and therefore never send them in to get replaced. Well not me dude. I watch over that thing like a child when I'm in a store or restaurant.

So the peeing part. I realize you're getting all excited about it. No you shut up. Ok so yesterday when I got home and walked into my room I thought I smelled urine. Mingus, my cat, is a very well trained little monkey and does little wrong. He hasn't reacted so well to the new move though and insists sleeping with his BahBah and the nightlight on the past few weeks. Oh wait.

I mean Mingus has been finicky and crying on and off and refusing to eat his usual food but he didn't seem to have a problem finding his litter box since we've moved here. My friend whose place this was left me a nice plant with a little note that said, "Please take care of me." I thought that was sweet. She also left me a small bottle of saki that had a note which said, "Please drink me." Also a nice gesture.

However, she forgot to leave a note for my cat which said, "Please don't piss all over everything." But how could she have known?

When I walked into my room and smelled the faint smell of kitty pee I sniffed around for a bit and couldn't figure out where it was coming from. I'm not joking you here when I say that I actually smelled under my arms.

Under my arms? What the fuck was I thinking? If I ever have B.O. that smells like cat piss I think I have more problems then Mingus does, no?

I couldn't find the source and it wasn't that strong of an odor so I forgot about it, until tonight. I heard some rustling and saw my plant moving out of the corner of my eye while sitting at my computer. I walked over and saw his paw in the soil digging around. I shooed him away and leaned down and realized that he had peed in the plant!

So now I'm trying to wash it out in my bathtub. Aw who am I kidding it's in my fucking kitchen sink. So what. Don't come over, I don't care. I'm more hygienic than you anyway trust me. I don't think it was much pee just a little bit. But it was definately enough for the plant to tell me to "Fuck off and let me die." when I said I was going to save it.

Man oh man that is funny shit.

Frigging cat. he's sleeping on my bed now..probably scheming to poop in my toaster tomorrow.


editors note: Daniel does not have a toaster

- AH THE CRAZINESS OF CRAIGSLIST

If you're not familiar with craigslist it's a great tool for people who live in or near a major city. Basically craigslist is a free community of people who buy, sell, and trade things. You can find jobs and apartments and if you're super desperate a date (Yes I went on two using craigslist and they were both pretty awful).

Today I used a move with a van I found using craigslist to finishing moving the last few items out of my old apartment and into my new one. The guy showed up 45 minutes late but apologized profusely and ended up doing a great job.

After loading up my stuff we were driving to my new apartment and talking along the way. Our first conversation happened after asking if I could smoke in his van. He asked me what was I going to be smoking. I told him just a cigarette because that's all I had on me, laughing a little bit just joking around. The first thing he says after that is, "I can deliver a pound to your door if you want." I assume we were now talking about pot and not tobacco.

After driving for a bit he started talking about ladies and said that the old van we were in had gone upstate a few times with ladies and that, "titties be flopping around everywhere." After that convo I made sure that my Purell hand sanitizer was close by. When we unloaded my loveseat I had mentioned that it was just going to be temporarily in my apartment because I'm planning to buy this couch real soon. He mentioned that if I was going to get rid of that couch I should give him a call cause he could put it in the van. He then gave me a wink.

Another interesting story is one I just heard from my girlfriends roommate. Apparently a friend of hers used craigslist to find someone to clean her apartment. This friend doesn't have much money so she tried to find some alternative arrangement. So putting an ad in craigslist seemed like a good idea.

The ad she posted started out looking for someone to clean their apartment for a low price. She received an interesting proposition from a man who wanted to clean the apartment for FREE!

A man showed up to clean the apartment and not only did he do it for free but he actually paid HER 200 bucks and brought a bottle wine!! He was some middle age business guy who must get off on being told what to do. His only request was to be yelled at and basically pushed around. He cleaned the apartment, scrubbed her floors, did all of the laundry and folded it.

He left when he was finished and that was the end of it. Bizarre, truly bizarre.

- THE GIFT OF A COLD

What better gift to give someone this holiday season than your cold? Apparently I gave like 3-5 people my cold over the past few weeks. What is the proper etiquette when you are sick though? I realize that sneezing in someone's food is not a good idea so I promise I won't do that again.

My girlfriend got sick
My sister got sick
My girlfriend's roommate and his girlfriend both got sick.
My mother got sick

And yes I do believe I am to blame because I was around all those people when I was sick this holiday season. Well I APOLOGIZE but hey whattya gunna do? It's the price you pay for being graced with my presence.

Next holiday I will give puffs plus tissues and Theraflu for presents.