Thursday, September 30


I wish I was moderating this presidential debate that I'm watching right now. I would call Kerry out for repeating the same crap over and over and for never really given a straight answer on what the hell he would be doing different as president. I can't really understand what he wants to do with Iraq even after this debate.

That being said I don't know what the hell is going through Bush's head either. I will say this though, he has actually made me chuckle a few times and not just because of his stupidity. He seems like a funny guy. I said to my girlfriend that I bet he was hysterical when he was a drunk..and blowing coke in the bathroom. Also, I think Bush is becoming a better speaker and seems to know more about what the people who help him tie his shoes every morning are actually doing with this country.

I like how Kerry called him out when responding to invading Iraq he said, "We were attacked." Because he again proved what everyone knows, that Bush and his henchmen even after all the evidence are still are trying to sell us this war in Iraq by making us think Saddam attacked us. I still don't think Bush used Osama's name more than once in the past year. He won't mention that name for some reason and I don't get it just like at the RNC it was like there is no person named Osama Bin Laden. I just don't get that.

Wednesday, September 29


I'm sick of my stupid ass neighborhood and just finished a letter to the owner of my building. The funniest thing about this entire letter is that my rent is only going up 30 bucks a month but still I'm sick of it. Wanna read the letter? No? well screw you go somewhere else cause here it is:


I have a few things I wanted to say before signing a new lease. I have lived at my apartment for 5 years now and as I’ve discussed with you whether you believe it or not, have single handedly helped The Asconia improve it’s worth probably more than even I realize.

One example is that after my persistent phone calls to 311, the ASPCA, you and your staff, and physically walking over and having conversations with the owners of the barking dog, I believe that situation is finally resolved. I say that because I don’t hear the dog barking constantly anymore. I wasn’t the only one who was complaining I was just the most vocal about it, as I can be sometimes.

Another example is how I’ve recently been having phone conversations with the local police department including supervisors and detectives about the constant drug problem in front of our building. I don’t know if you’re aware of it or not but there are several young drug dealers that take over our front stoop on certain days. On a beautiful Sunday a few weeks ago no one who actually lives in our building was outside enjoying the day because there were 3-5 kids outside selling. In my mind Manny doesn’t want to get too involved, as I wouldn’t either if I had a family living on the first floor. I’m sure these kids know him and his family and I would prefer not getting him involved. He does speak to them sometimes and I think they wander off, but end up coming back eventually.

All that being said I noticed they haven’t been around the past week or so and it could be the result of the dialogue I had with the detectives, but I really don’t know for sure.

I have never received a reasonable offer from you for a 1 bedroom apartment. And as I’ve said before and again in this letter, I am one of the people who has helped improve this neighborhood and put plenty of extra cash in your back pocket. The rents in this area haven’t gone up because you slap a new coat of paint on the walls or throw in a new fridge and you know that. I’m sure you can find someone to quickly move into my space but you’re always taking a chance to get a kid who blasts his stereo at 3am and gets into screaming arguments late at night with other tenants. I’m speaking of the young man you had to get rid of on the 5th floor next to Jon's studio, I think that might be apartment 52.

So here at the end of the letter all I am doing is making a small request. I am asking for my rent not to be raised for the next lease. I am getting awfully tired of putting effort into this community and receiving nothing back. I’ve spent plenty of time promoting the new wine bar and all new upscale restaurants such as Bohio, and have had a few friends move into the area over the last few years. That’s about it.

You can mail me or email me your answer."

Tuesday, September 28


My sister and brother-in-law met their childhood hero Mr. Drummond from Different Strokes a few weeks ago. No wait that's my hero. They did however meet one of their favorite artists in the world, Dave Mathews. I'm sure Dave is a cool guy and I wouldn't mind hanging out smoking a joint with him as long as he didn't pick up a guitar and start singing. However he isn't my cup of coffee. Like I said I would like to meet the cast of What's Happening or Schneider the janitor from One Day at a Time. Those are the people who really influenced me.

Here's a picture of them with "Dave."

Friday, September 24


Yesterday the subway ride home went something like this. I managed to get a seat right off the bat at Canal street which is nice because sometimes I have to stand and wait about 10-15 minutes until we hit 42nd street or sometimes 59th street. So yesterday I was all set to take a nice nap which I almost always do in the afternoons except this time a woman and her two loud obnoxious children happened to be sitting across from me.

I don't hate kids. Well behaved children can be a pleasure to be around. I enjoy playing with children who are inquisitive and friendly, not the kind who flop on the ground and squeal hysterically every 10 seconds. I say this fully realizing that I was a crappy obnoxious kid myself.

These kids were out of control but the kicker was the mother who looked completely zonked out like she either hadn't slept for the past few days or was on some kind of narcotic. To me she looked like she was high and shouldn't have been dragging these two children around with her but it's not like they have a choice.

I was watching them the whole time because I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to play the Tetris game on my cell phone because I already have such a ridiciously high score. You can't beat my score on cell phone Tetris, TRUST ME.

One of the children kept touching a random woman sitting next to her when the mother wasn't paying attention. This nice woman didn't seem to mind and just played along and said hello to the little girl. This made me kinda upset because whenever I put my hand on a random woman's lap on the subway I always get slapped and called a perv. Then again this kid wasn't a 28 year old man wearing a grey raincoat and underpants around his neck.



A weird thing happened. As I was watching the interaction of the mother and her two squealing children, I saw a man walk over to them as if he was going to intervene. The mother never really hit the children, maybe just a smack on the bottom but you could see in this man's eyes that he was watching her closely and making sure she wasn't going to really hit the children. I didn't think she would, especially not on a crowded subway but this man thought otherwise. He actually walked right up and stood in front of her and then found a seat directly across from her. He was watching her most of the subway ride until the kids calmed down and the mother started to doze off. Everything was fine.

The part that I found the most humorous was who this man was. As I saw him walk towards the woman and her kids, I thought to myself that he looked familiar. I said to myself, "Wait a minute I know that guy. He was on Law and Order." Now sometimes my touched brain plays tricks on me, this being one of the common ones it plays. I sometimes think I see people I know or that look really familiar. I have actually walked up to people before and said, "Do I know you?" fully thinking I do and they are just like, "Uh no Buddy, but nice raincoat."

This time though I was positive. So before my stop (I guess this guy lives in upper Manhattan like I do. REPRESENT!!!!) I walked closer to him since he was sitting by one of the exit doors. I had to ask, so I said something ultra suave like, "I know this is going to sound stupid but were you on Law and Order?"

He was excited when I asked him that and said, "Yes, can you tell me which one I was on?" and I knew it. He is a bit character and one of his more prominent roles was an episode where he was a schizophrenic who had a brother who turned him in for committing murder, or something along those lines. I forget the rest of the episode but I do remember he did a good job. As I walked off the train he thanked me for recognizing him.

It was all a little surreal.

Tuesday, September 21


I spent the first 6 years of my life being pushed around in a baby stroller. It's not that I wasn't able to walk or couldn't learn how, it's just that I had gotten used to that lifestyle. Why should I huff and puff and struggle to get 3 feet when my mom could just push me there in a jiffy.

Now today I suffer because of it. Sometimes when I walk I forget that one leg goes forward at a time. There are many days when I attempt to walk both legs at once and it never works out, I always end up stumbling or knocking someone down.

Keeping random people's family portraits at my desk is definitely a good way to get attention at work. Every time someone walks by and asks about the picture, I make up different names for each family member and always point to one of the kids and say, "See that little handsome devil there, that used to be me." Even if the kid is like Latino or something.

Monday, September 20


As I discussed once or twice over the past month, I've been working on a 30 minute situation comedy/pilot script which I wrote for a contest Bravo TV is running. It'sn supposed to be a reality show about the making of a sitcom. You can check out the description HERE if you're interested.

What I wrote was along the lines of Office Space though I'm not claiming it to be anywhere near as funny as that movie, but my friend who worked on it with me seemed to think it came out pretty good. It is a love story about two robots. No actually it's a show about two friends who work in the city. One is Pakistani and one is Jewish. Guess which character I am? There are some funny parts but I wish I had spent more time and worked harder on it. I'm just so fucking lazy.

I'll try to have a link up to the script once I figure out how to make web pages for the document it's on.

The deadline was Saturday by midnight but most post offices in the city close at 4pm. I worked on it pretty much the entire day at work on Friday (don't read that last line if you work with me) then Friday night until about 2am. Woke up Saturday and worked on it some more and had to go to Kinko's and do some collating and editing and copying and shit. Spent about $40 there. What a racket they have set up, I can't imagine not owning your own computer and having to rely on a Kinko' unbelievably expensive. 50 cents a sheet to print out and $27 an hour to use a computer. GONE!

So I ran from Kinko's to the Cooper Union post office just as they were closing and walked out exactly at 3:59 PM. It brang back some good old college memories. Another college memory but unrelated is how I sometimes wore my pajamas to class. My god that was great you really can't do that in the workplace can you?

Thursday, September 16


At the end of this meeting I was attending on "Foodborne Outbreaks," the speaker asked if anyone had any questions. I hadn't really been paying attention so I decided to ask the only question on my mind which was actually something unrelated but that I'd been pondering during the 1 1/2 hour lecture.

"Yes I was wondering if there really is a difference between the name brand Listerine mouth wash and the generic store manufactured brand, such as the Duane Reade brand version?" Said I.

"What? What are you talking about?" Said the lecturer.

"I mean I don't think there can be a fundamental difference in the product considering the active ingredients are the same on the back of both but for some reason I feel that I'm not buying the best product. I know the labeling is a a bit schizty and it looks like a cheap Chinatown Gucci knockoff but I mean come on you're saving $2 on mouthwash. How can I pass that up?" Said I again.

Ok so I didn't really blurt that out but I was thinking it. It's amazing how I can sit through an entire meeting/lecture and think about these things rather than do work or pay attention to the topic at hand.

I also find it fascinating that after 28 years of age I'm still mortified to standup and walk out of a room filled with people if I have to go to the bathroom. In college I could understand because you're surrounded by a large group of your peers that you see on a regular basis around campus, in the dorms, and in class several times a week. These were people my age that I had to try to impress. I remember how if I had to go to the bathroom it would take many minutes of serious thought and planning to come up the best possible time during the lecture to leave the room. I would try to draw as little attention to myself as possible, usually by seating myself close to a door unless of course that meant sitting at the front of the room.

Now I am a working schmo though, and why should I care if I have to get up during a meeting to use the potty? I'm a grown man and I shouldn't, but I do.

Thursday, September 9


I had a strange dream last night that I was being chased down a dark alley by 100 miniature Chinese cooks. Not quite human in size, they looked more like large action figure dolls. All of them were yielding little cleavers, miniature woks, and very sharp looking chopsticks. I couldn't quite understand what they were chanting but it was something to the effect of, "You in big trouble!"

What could I have done to piss them off? Aren't I a good customer? I don't complain when the food is bad, much. Not that there is a lot to complain about since the quality of Asian cuisine here is pretty high. As I sit here at lunch writing this, an elderly Chinese man just walked in who has 6 fingers. The 6th finger isn't so much a finger as it is a strange growth off of his left thumb. It doesn't really look much like a finger but it does have a thin narrow nail on the tip of it, so officially on paper I think it would qualify as a finger.

Kinda reminds me of a character out of Big Trouble In Little China. Remember that movie? No? Good, you probably shouldn't. It starred Kurt Russell in another of his, "I can't believe he was robbed of an Oscar" roles.

Another dream I had a few days ago involved me combing my hair. I realize I have pretty good hair, it's one of my finer qualities that I am proud of. But to have a dream about doing my hair up with a high quality foaming pomade or a sculpting wax that comes in an expensive hockey-puck-shaped-container is strange, even by my standards. My hair in the dream was really long and shiny and luxurious I'm not going to lie to you. I think the dream must have been spawned from a conversation my boss was having with me the day before. We were talking about hair because he asked if I was growing out a beard. I told him how I always keep a very short close cropped beard on my face and he mentioned growing sideburns if he still could. He mentioned that his hair doesn't grow like it used to and that it is more difficult to manage than in his early years. Maybe the dream was me worrying about losing my glory cause I'm like Samson. My strength is in my hair... and in my body odor. just kidding I smell like a million bucks. well a million dollars if that money was drenched in cheap Italian cologne.


Monday, September 6


Yes this is a favor I'm asking. I have been working on this comedy script for Bravo recently and a lot of the scenes I am writing have been taken directly from my posts on this site. I am looking to use the best ones which could be turned into scenes so I want peoples insight who read this blog regularly. If you could email me or somehow let me know which ones you think are the best I would appreciate it. This may require going into the archives to check out some of the first stuff I posted. Sorry this post is not really anything fun for you to read but hey, at least you know I value your opinion.

Thursday, September 2


That's one of the t-shirts I like the most that I've seen around the city lately. I think someone should make one that says, Republicans can't dance. Have you seen them trying to dance at the convention? They look like they're having some kind of seizure or epileptic episode.

One thing I've noticed is how proud everyone seems at the RNC that we are at war. I understand having pride in your country, which I do. I also can understand the great respect given to our troops. What I don't like is how every speaker seems almost excited that we are at war. Of course we have to protect our country from terrorist threats, but does the current administration have to keep terrifying us into thinking they are the only ones who care if we live or die? The Bush league is trying to convince us of this. Well I just can't wrap my brain around it.

When the RNC came to town I don't think I was as upset as some of my friends, co-workers, and most New Yorkers I spoke to in general were. I thought it would be a good thing for our city and felt that this is a free country and we all should be objective (I admit I'm not always objective) and allow them to hold their convention here.

That changed for me the past few days as I've watched and read what is going on during the convention. As I just said I think everyone at that convention is proud and jubilant when talking about the war. I think there should be some acknowledgment of the thousands upon thousands of innocent people who have died in Iraq, not just capitalizing on and justifying everything Bush and the rest of his regime have done since 9/11. I don't see that.

Right now I'm watching Bush deliver his acceptance speech at the RNC. He just finished his line in Spanish which was almost as funny as the beginning of his state of the union address when he picked up a strategically placed Black child in the audience, who was basically set in place as he walked right for him. What I want to know is this. If Bush is ripping on Kerry for possibly raising taxes, how is he going to get all those amazing things he just proposed during his speech? And if we do get all those things, how is he going to pay for more wars? I just don't think it is mathematically possible. Then again I doubt Bush knows what the word "math" means.

My last thought. As I'm writing this, Bush just spoke this line. " I believe that government should try to help people improve their lives, not run their lives."

Why then would someone who said this try to make a constitutional amendment making gay marriage illegal? What way could the government possibly intrude into someone's life moreso than by telling them who they can and can't legally marry and live together happily for the rest of their lives?

Oh wait let me answer that. I know. George W. Bush is who. Man I can't wait for another 4 years of lies, innocent deaths, and a better life for the wealthy. GROOVY!

Wednesday, September 1


Today I was in Duane Reade buying Biore pore strips because I like looking at those gross little spikes of god knows whatever they are, after pulling it off.

While in the drugstore I started to look for a new pomade/gell to keep at work when I have to spice up my hair at the end of the day. Say I'm leaving work and going to dinner with the Vanderbilt, I gotta have my hair working right? I was trying to decide what to buy and called my girlfriend on my cell phone who just called me a girl. She wasn't much help. A woman who was also picking out hair products ended up helping me decide which styling goop would be best for me. She explained the differences between all of them and how some are wax based or creamy and how some have much more hold than others.

I couldn't tell who was more insane, her for spewing forth all of this hair care knowledge, or me who was fascinated by it all and continued to grab products and say, "Well what about this one?"

I ended up going with L'OREAL alt studio Crystal Wax even thought I didn't like the packaging, looks kinda plain. She said according to my hair and what I want to do with it, that would be the best choice. I really wanted to know why the Matrix and Bed Head brands were 18 dollars while all the others were between $5 and $8? I guess that will remain one of the great mysteries of the universe.

As I was thanking her and walking away I quickly asked what her favorite shampoo was but without the same lesson we just covered with the gels. She said that the actual shampoo wasn't that important but it is the CONDITIONER which is key. I was blown away. I always thought the shampoo was the important part and that the conditioner didn't do much other than smooth the hair out a bit. In my shower the shampoo is always used up well before the conditioner is because I use just a little bit and not every time. Well that's gunna change.