- 10 YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION:

Wow and I mean WOW. 10 years.. it seems like only yesterday I was a single loser who shamefully snuck into a magazine stores to wait until they were empty in order to buy an issue of Penthouse. Oh wait

I had sent in my money for a ticket and filled out the information section that will be in a published catalog for all Brookfield High class of 94 students as follows:

Name: Daniel Krieger
Occupation: pimpin it baby!
Location: wherever the ladies are
Married/Kids: twice and none that I know of

After sending it in, I received an email from a classmate who is helping to organize this reunion and it went something like, "Daniel, thank you for sending in your money and card back but I don't know if we are going to be able to print what you wrote on your information card."

I wrote her back and tried to be all serious and intelligent sounding saying something to the effect of, "If there is an issue with the length of my response then that is something I will work with you on, but if this is strictly a content issue then I'm afraid I will have to argue to keep what I've written. She wrote me back a nice diplomatic reply saying that she would see if it could be published but it wasn't really her final decision. Or something like that. WELL I'LL tell you this. If that doesn't get published I'm going to make up phony business cards for the reunion that will have all that information written on it. I'll stuff them into everyone's shirt pockets that I see.

So I have this little vision of what the reunion will be like. I picture it as movie clip, tightly edited in which it will flash from one quick conversation to the next. The convos will undoubtedly be someone saying "so how arrrreeee youuuuu and what do you do for a living?"

I mean that's the big one right? If you're not standing there with a significant other you better have a good fucking job or what are you doing there to begin with?

So here are my ideas for jobs to tell people. And don't think I'm not going to use some of these because I am dammit. Don't question me. Jerk.

- I've patented a "smokeless cigarette" and I'm just waiting for funding.
- You are looking at the inventor of the very first "Home sex change kit."
- I own a small bereavement card company. So if anyone dies just email me, here's my card.
- You see that beer you're drinking? (and then I just giggle and nod my head with a sly smile as if to say I own that company)
- I work for my parents. Well I live in their basement.
- Lets just say all those hours spent watching the Simpsons finally paid off. And when they ask, "Well why what are you doing??" I'm just going to stand there, not say anything and sip my drink pretending like they aren't talking to me.

Lastly I came up with the perfect answer for two commonly asked questions. "SO what do you do for a living?" and the inevitable, "Are you seeing anyone? are you married???"

This line should do quite nicely to answer them both in one shot. "Well I just finished my great American novel. Its entitled, "That stupid bitch left me for another woman."

Then I plan to get really drunk and go up to as many women as possible and make them feel really uncomfortable by telling them how badly I wanted to sleep with them when we were in High School.

Come on you know it's probably true anyway.

I will update everyone after the reunion.

- BUYING A HOME:

Yes this is something I am thinking of doing.. amazing, no?

I found a good website offering buying advice for first time home owners which was very informative. The site is named Freddie Mac. After reading through their site I went to leave and got one of those pop up windows asking me for a brief survey. Here is how I filled it out:

Did you find the information you were looking for? NO

What information were you looking for? Pimpin and Ho'ing

What frustrates you most about this site? I thought "Freddie Mac" was a PIMP

Are you looking for information for yourself? YES

How would you best describe your current living arrangements? Live with Family and friends (this was multiple choice answer so I couldn't say anything too funny)

How did you hear about Freddie Mac Web site? Internet Search

- BORING:

You don't know boring until you've sat through a "Records Archive Conference". I know that the word "Diaster" sounds like it might make for an interesting lecture, but please take my word for it, it doesn't.

How can someone sit through a 4 hour workshop like this and act like they're interested? I hope you're not expecting me to answer that because I seriously wish someone will tell me because I haven't been able to figure it out yet.

Let me explain something to you. When you work for the city, you experience a type of speech which I've yet to encounter anywhere else. The only thing I can compare it to is something like "Doublespeak," which I think is a term in Orwell's novel, "1984". It's basically speaking to someone and not making sense, but being able to sound like you're making perfect sense. It confuses the person you're speaking to but not enough to have them question it or ask you to repeat yourself.

You end up leaving a meeting or conversation, not quite sure what you're supposed to do except set up another meeting in a few days to replay the entire scene. OF course this doesn't happen everyday, but it really does occur more often than you would believe.

So an example of this confusion happened at that workshop training I attended a few days ago. The woman giving the lecture is a very nice intelligent woman but a few times she whipped out the crazy talk.

The first occurance was when a young woman asked a question which stopped the lecturer mid sentence making her all excited as she answered it, "Yes yes this is what I'm talking about, what a great question." She repeated the question that the young woman had asked and thanked her for asking the question.

But when she was done speaking she never actually answered the question which was asked. She had totally confused everyone and especially the girl who asked the original question, who kinda sat there with a look on her face as if to say, "What the hell just happened?"

I realized the question was never answered and I know the girl did too.. but I honestly don't think anyone else realized it and there was literally 20 adults older than me in the room.

The second time occured about 10 minutes later when the lecturer was speaking. She had finished a section of material and said, "You know exactly what I'm talking about because your department deals with that all the time." She then pointed to a man who looked at her with a curious look. After seeing him starring back at her with a dumbfounded look she nodded and said, "Yes yes exactly like your division." The guy pointed a finger at himself and squinted his eyes while starting to slowly shake his head NO, realizing she had mistaken him for someone else. But she had already moved on and started speaking on a new topic.

- POLITICAL POST:

Every time I make a political post I usually end up taking it down in a few hours. In the past I have commented about the horrible things that Ashcroft is doing or trying to do in an attempt to destroy Americans freedoms and rights..or just stupid things that Bush is doing to ruin this country . But I try to keep this site more light hearted and fun so like I said I quickly take it down. Anyway this site was interesting and wanted to share, click here

Something on a more positive note is this I have read so many terrible things about WallMart in the past few years that I hope this is a wake up call to them and possibly to the rest of this country.


Unrelated: If we have learned anything from watching those Dateline shows on tv, it's that if you want to kill a loved one the best way to do it is to feed them just a little poison each day over a long period of time. Not to give them like a huge dose of something all at once.

- ALWAYS WITH THE BATHROOM HUMOR:

It seems that a good deal of my writing has focused on things that happen to me in the bathroom at work. The reason why, I'm not sure except to say that, "The Bathroom" is conducive to humorous/interesting situations.

Today was an example of this. Some people may not think what happened is strange, but I do.

I was washing my hands at the sink when a man who had just finished using the pee pee machine walked up to the other sink next to me and began to wash his hands as well. He looked to be a bit on the strange side but I really didn't think anything of it.

First off, the sinks in my bathroom are really annoying. They have those faucets that don't stay on after you turn them.

Anyone out there use hotmail? You ever see that advertisement for American Singles? It always has the same girl standing there in the ad. Can't that girl get a freaking date? I mean she's pretty damn hot.

So back to the sinks. They don't stay on so you have to hold the knob and basically clap one hand together to make it wash itself. I find this all quite distressing as you can imagine but due to my inquisitive and curious nature, I discovered a way to bypass this annoying situation through trial and error. If one slowly turns the "cold" faucet on the sink closest to the wall (I tell you which sink specifically in case you're ever in my building) and use a soft touch you can make it stick in place. This eliminates the need to use paper towels to hold the faucet in place since now I really only have to touch it once before I begin washing.

One time (yes I realize I deviated from the original part of the story) my boss was walking over to the sink to wash his hands and as I was almost finished I jumped back from my side and said in a droll voice, "would you like me to leave this on for you?" presenting him with a fully functioning hands free faucet, magically expelling water with no hands, no wand, and no rubber band (I tried that once and it didn't work)

But he just goes, "No thanks, I'm good." Wasn't impressed at all, not even a blink. What do I have to do to get noticed around here?

So back to this guy washing his hands next to me. Using soap and really scrubbing like a person should, he grabs some paper towels and dries them. After giving himself a once over in the mirror, probably checking for an AWOL piece of broccoli between the teeth leftover from lunch he looks ready to walk out.

I'm standing there thinking, "Yeah this guy is all right." I mean I guess it's a little disappointing he didn't notice my unattended still flowing faucet, but I'm starting to realize no one else is impressed by my Ben Franklin-esque discovery.

Just as he is about to leave, right when I have accepted this man as an acceptable human being, he makes me lose my faith in humanity.

Lunging forward in one quick violent motion he puts his entire head down into the sink and wraps the faucet around his mouth, sucking it dry while dripping water all over his face like a wild animal. His entire head was rubbing inside the sink as I sat there literally biting my lip in an attempt to not lose it and break out in hysterical laughter.

I just think that public bathroom sinks are not the most hygenic of things to touch your face and mouth against. Maybe I'm alone in thinking this was disgusting, but come on man, $1.25 buys you a bottle of Poland spring.

- HOW TODAY STARTED:

I didn't leave my apartment today until 9:15 and got to work a bit past 10 which means I have to be here a bit past 6. ARRRGggHHHH

Getting down to the subway around 9:20, I begin reaching into my back pocket and feel nothing (well nothing cept my sweet ass) and I'm like OH NO forgot my wallet. This is something I rarely do, if ever. I was already really late and knew I would be in trouble if I had to run back home to get it. In trouble meaning late for work but also trouble because it was already uncomfortably hot outside and I knew if I ran back up to my apartment and then ran back down to the subway I would be sweatin like Mary Lou Retton (I thought of that one the other day when I stupidly tried having lunch outside sitting in the bright sun and ended up looking like someone had doused me with a bucket of water).

Think fast! Think fast! I asked the first guy I saw although he didn't speak English, if he would help me out. I didn't want to ask for money so I just pointed to the turnstyle and said, "Can I go in with you?" He looked at me funny but understood my question and just motioned to "come on." So we bunched up together and squeezed through one of those ceiling high turnstyles. Wow that was really nice of him. If we got caught I think we both would have gotten tickets.

I didn't have time to think about that though.. just went for it.

So now I'm at work. Still no moolah, no ATM, nothing. I definitely have to borrow money to get home, but for lunch I just realized I can get delivery using my credit card number since I have it memorized. Oh I also have your credit card number memorized. Maybe I'll just use that, cool?

- TASTY DUMPLING:

Right now some jackass is yelling into his cellphone while I am trying to sit here and enjoy my lunch at Tasty Dumpling, home of very tasty dumplings indeed which go into my tummy at least twice a week.

I mean this guy is really yelling. I think he is on the phone with a secretary who obviously screwed something up at work which he says "Is going to get me in a lot of trouble." He is pissed.

But really do I need to sit here and listen to this annoying schmuck scream into his phone while everyone else is either minding their business or having a normal quiet conversation? What did annoying people do before cell phones? How exactly did they showcase their obnoxious personalities to complete strangers before the advent of this portable telephone?

Is it a bad thing when you're sitting at a restaurant and you see the cook at Tasty Dumpling start a hacking cough until an awful sound occurs and you see his eyes go really wide as he leans forward and frantically sticks his hand into an open pot and reaches around as if he is searching for something? Did he just lose a filling? I'm not ordering the sweet and sour soup tomorrow.

I mean I know that in the past it wasn't a good thing when you saw the cook at Tasty Dumpling standing over a big pot with a slow burning cigarette delicately dangling from his lips one minute and after taking a bite of your scallion pancake you look up again to see the cigarette has been ashed, but he doesn't seem to have moved his hands at all..They are still firmly gripping a large oar-like mixing spoon, slowly stirring the pot.

I think I'm going to be sick.

- MAKING FRIENDS:

I'm still working on making friends at my new job. I listen to my ipod rather than play a cd on my computer's stereo. This is mostly due to the woman who sits in the same office as me who once said about my music, "What is that, it sounds like a fax machine."

Thing is, it was a fax machine. Well at least that's what I told her.

So whenever someone walks by I usually have my headphones on and I start softly singing a little bit of whatever type of music I assume they listen to, hoping they will stop for a minute and say hello. When Tie-Die Teddy walks by I'm all like "War HUhhh good god Ya'll what is it good for? Absolutely nuttin!" and when the Diva ladies walk by you hear me singing some Aretha or Barry White.

I'm having trouble with Nancy who works upstairs. I think she's just a lover of bad 80s and 90s pop music kinda girl, so today I was like, "Heading for the 90's living in the wild wild west..WILD WEST HUHH!"

But one thing that always plays well is pretending like it's my birthday as often as possible because everyone gets all excited and happy when you say that. It's like "OHhhh MY Gawwwd that is so great it's your birthday today!! yahhh!" At work we were celebrating a few people who all had a birthday around the same time with a cake. When I walked up to the woman cutting it I said with a humbled hush voice, "I can't believe you knew it was my birthday, I didn't think anyone here knew," and she was like "Uh I don't think we knew it was." and I just said "Oh that's ok. thanks for the cake anyway." She has a good sense of humor though. She laughed when I told her that I really don't know my birthday because my parents refused to ever tell me the real date.

I mean how else would you know unless they told you right? I'm going to give my kids two birthday's a year. But I'll make up for it by giving myself 4 a year and they won't be any the wiser.

stupid kids.

- NO CHECK PLEASE:

Had dinner last night with a friend down in the Lower East Side. It was a small casual hamburger joint run by two nice but somewhat snooty French guys. After ordering at the counter I had reached for my wallet to pay but the guy said, "Sit down first." He was busy cooking and taking other orders so I assumed it was just easier for him if we paid after eating.

First of all it took about 30 minutes for our order to be finished which was amazing because it really wasn't that crowded. I had remarked that they better be killing that cow freshly and grinding the meat downstairs in order for it to take this long. When he did bring us the food, he had forgotten the ketchup and napkins. I asked for those items and also asked for water. About 5 minutes later I walked up to the counter and before I opened my mouth he said, "Yeah yeah I'm bringing it," but never did. Finally I caught his eye a few minutes later and gave him the, "Dude lets go!" facial expression.

After finishing the meal, we walked up to the counter and I had noticed a basket with small zip lock bags in it, by the register. Inside each small baggie was one single Marlboro light cigarette, two toothpicks, and two cellophane wrapped after-dinner mints. I leaned over looking down at them and said to the guy, "What the hell are those?" to which he said "they are cigarettes for customers," as if it was no big deal and all restaurants did this. I laughed and was like, "COOL can we have one?" still kinda dumbfounded. He said sure and gave us both a bag as we walked out.

We were walking halfway down the street while removing the cigarettes from the baggies and lighting up when we both stopped, looked at each other and said, "Oh shit! did you pay?"

Neither one of us had paid. I was planning to pay but I honestly had forgotten until we were already outside walking. The cigarettes had totally distracted me but maybe there was the subconscious pissed off part of my brain which was also responsible.

Without breaking stride I said "GO GO GO" like it was some big military drill. We turned the corner and started walking briskly, obviously with me in fear of the proprietor running up behind us screaming and wielding a greasy metal spatula.

But none of that happened. We got away clean and easy.

Plundered bounty included:

one Mexican burger
one falafelafa (that's their name for it)
one order french fries
two diet cokes (but the cool ones in the small glass bottles)

- NAPTIME MEETING:

A coworker suggested "Try biting your inner lip," to stay awake during meetings. I was just glad to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with this problem.

Sometimes I turn my head from one side to the other so people can only see one of my eyes. I then shut the eye that they can't see and let it rest. I really don't think that works because I'm not actually sleeping, but for some reason I do it anyway thinking maybe half my brain will get a bit of rest. Another move is the open hand over the forehead while my face is turned down into my notepad. Here it looks as if I'm really concentrating on whatever I've just written down during the meeting.

You know what's on my pad though right? Usually doodles or a badly drawn tree. Other things I draw: eyeballs, hamburgers, flowers, poached eggs, umbrellas, feet.

So yesterday during one of these action packed events I thought I was going to lose it. My eyes felt like they were spinning. I could barely hold up my head. I thought of my coworkers advice to inflict pain upon yourself in order to stay awake, but I didn't bite my inner lip. I don't like having those stringy gums similar to what you get after eating really hot pizza.

Instead I started pulling my arm hairs out. It was kinda crazy even for me. I had both arms underneath the table and leaned forward like I was really getting into the convo. I was just pulling on them one at a time. Once or twice I grabbed a bunch and just yanked them. GOD DAMN it hurt but hey I managed to stay awake.

- TALKING TURKEY:

Today a coworker caught me talking to my sandwich at lunch. I thought everyone had left the office so I was having a nice leisurely quiet time. I was holding up my turkey and swiss grinder and its not like I was saying anything weird to it. Just kinda holding it up like it was a baby or a cat and telling it how my day was going so far. I was mumbling mid sentence with a full bite in my mouth when I looked up to see Kristen from the HR department gaping full eyed open jawed at me. I tried to speak but all that came out of my mouth was a half chewed piece of tomato and some shredded lettuce.

Another thing I like to do is jab a fork into the little butter packets they give you at The Diner. After poking the holes in them I take the little faux gold wrapped butters and squeeze until it starts to slowly squirt out 4 streams of butter.. I think its funny. So do you. Actually someone will usually say politely, "Could you please stop doing that?" and I usually do, but you know I'm just sitting there wishing I could do it a few more times.

- REMEMBER THE TIMES:

Hey you come here a little closer. I want to talk to you. Listen I just want you to think about those times when you're out with a few friends and it gets to be late at night. There's a few people that are tired and ready to go home but then there are a few that are on the fence, maybe they want to go out and do something else. And then there is you. You are so totally ready to do something even though its almost 1AM because a few of the cool people in the group are the ones that might be up for something.

Eventually though it dwindles down to like 4 other people besides yourself. 1 cool person. 2 that are so so. And maybe 1 you really hate. Everyone then stands around kinda mumbling things like, "well yeah uhh I guess if you want to go we can"

But then it happens. The cool person is like "Nah I'm just gunna go home and crash."

and you think to yourself SHIT ITS OVER I have to back out now too but how can I say it without looking like the jerk who is only bailing because that cool person said the same thing?

Now listen. I want you to know something. You are the one that the other four was hoping wouldn't come along. Don't forget that.

Unrelated: the lord giveth and the lord taketh away. and sometimes he just borrows your hedgeclippers.

- WALK IN WALK OUT:

The last sentence of conversations at work you don't want to hear upon walking into a room, regardless of what the conversation was actually about.

"You never would have thought something that big could fit into a duffle bag."

"It really doesn't matter that we're related. Does it?"

"And that's why I never wash my hands."

"Looking back now I guess it wasn't the right place for a security camera."

"I can't believe he actually ate it after all that."

"Going to kill the next person who walks through that door."

or worse might be, "Hey let's fire the next person who walks through that door."

- CUTTING A RUG WITH JESUS!:

Long post so take a few deep breaths and make sure that your coffee is good and hot.

I received a letter in the mail from an organization called, "St. Mathews". Within the letter there were three sheets of paper, one was basically testimonials from people around the country. The other sheet contained instructions and a checklist, and the last sheet was something called a "Prayer Rug."

This prayer rug when you unfold it, is a colorful drawing of Jesus' head in the middle of a rug with his eyes closed. On the bottom of the "Rug" (mind you its a large piece of paper that has been folded up to fit in an envelope, nothing resembling a real rug since its just an 8x10 piece of paper) there is writing which says:

"Look into Jesus' eyes you will see they are closed. But as you continue to look you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes. Then go and be alone and kneel on this Rug of Faith or touch it to both of your knees. Then please check your needs on our letter to you. Please return this praryer rug, do not keep it."

The drawing of his face basically acts as a slight optical allusion that can look like his eyes are either opened or closed. I think the best part of this entire sham is the fact they want you to send the rug back to them..I mean I don't get it unless they are just trying to convey the importance of this rug and that it can't be kept.

A few testimonials:
"God blessed me with over $5,000"
"God made it possible for us to buy 17 acres of Land"
"The Lord has healed my Throat!"

And the checklist has several options you can check. It says, "Pray for my family and me for..."
- My soul
- A closer walk with Jesus
- My children
- A better job
- To stop a bad habit
- A new car
- I want to be saved
- Pray for god to bless me with this amount of money $________

They actually leave that last one blank so you can ask god for whatever amount you want..how nice. But the thing is they have one line on the checklist that says, "Enclosed is my seed gift to God's work of $___________"

So I assume that is where you are paying for the rug.. But I didn't really find a specific name to make out the check but maybe its just to St Mathews Church. Who knows.

All I know is that I did in fact send them a letter back saying:

Dear St. Mathews Church,

First let me thank you for sending me the Jesus Prayer rug. There is a problem though. I did indeed pray on the rug and like instructed went to go "Be alone with myself," afterwards. The problem is that while I was out of the room, I came back to find that my cat had peed on the Prayer Rug. I tried to clean and dry it the best I could but I think it's beyond repair, would you still like me to mail it back to you?

God bless

Daniel from NYC

- THE RUBBER BAND DID IT:

If you're like me and lets hope you're not, then you're fairly skilled in the art of rubber band shooting, flipping, bending, and making tooting noises with them. If you aren't like me then you might not know what I'm talking about, but perhaps you actually have a meaningful life and not spend time writing about rubber bands.

What you do to achieve this effect is to take a thicker sized rubber band (the thin ones simply will not do) and place it on a flat smooth surface. When you put it down make sure it is perfectly flush and it should look like a circle. You then push down the palm of your hand completely covering the rubber band and create a suction which will eventually squeeze out some air and make a little "pooting" noise.

Unfortunately the reason I'm sharing this information with you because I just did it at my desk and made a really loud noise just as some woman was walking by. I was embarrassed for like 10 seconds but now I pretty much don't care.

I was almost going to try to duplicate the noise to prove that it was the rubber band and not me..but she was walking too fast and I didn't want her to think "My god he just farted again!"

I've had these same issues with squeaky shoe noises in the past as well.

See the movie SUPERSIZE ME especially if you haven't read Fast Food Nation. It is important that as many people as possible see this film.