- TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE

That's something I need to do and I'm talking important life decisions here: dental floss.

I even gave you my valued viewers some great advice awhile back in one of my posts. When buying something like dental floss or cotton swabs, don't skimp. Cheap dental floss is rough and will shred easily while crappy cotton swabs aren't tightly wrapped and will explode in your ears like a Kiss concert.

Never been to a Kiss concert but I imagine they really rock out.

Yeah I just said "rock out." Shut up.

So I'm in my apartment and reach for my Oral B Satin floss and realize it's all used up. Now that was some good floss so I don't have a problem giving them a free plug. BUT, I had to look for my backup which happened to be Target's knockoff version named, "Hi-Tech Dental Floss." I must have bought that awhile back during one of my drunken manic Target shopping sprees.

What was I thinking? When I slipped this crappy floss between my teeth it felt like I was chewing on that rope they use to tie up ships. Awful!

I think the fact this crap has the name "Hi-Tech" should have tipped my stupid ass off but apparently not. Consider yourself warned, whenever a company has to use terminology like that you should expect less than the best. It was more like "Low-Tech" or possibly "Mediocre-Tech" at the very best.

- STALE FIG NEWTONS

After a long day of work some people like to go home and enjoy a nice drink. I don't drink regularly during the week, so occasionally I will stop at the bodega and pick up something like a small box of fig newtons.

Last week I had stopped at the corner store on East 3rd street and Second Ave. I don't particularly like this bodega but it's across the street from my girlfriends apartment and therefore easily accessible.

In a previous encounter with their surly staff, I had walked in there once late on a Saturday night after drinking to buy a pack of smokes and a candy bar. The schizty individual behind the counter tried screwing me on the change thinking I was too drunk to notice. I said "Hey where's my five bucks you bastard?!" (didn't use the word bastard but I should have) and he pretended like it was an accident and gave me the change..

I figure they try pulling that one as often as possible on the weekends when the drunk kids are out and about.

It's just wrong!

But I did go in there again like I'm telling you for my fig newtons last week even after swearing to ban them from my money ever again. After purchasing my single boxed sleeve of Newtons I went to my girlfriends place and sat down on the couch excited to eat these chewy-fig-filled-treats.

When I opened them up, I found the cookies practically glued together and not edible. I was so fucking pissed I started yelling and said I was going down there. My girlfriend said, "Just shut up and eat them and don't worry about the $1.79" But of course it wasn't about the money, it was about these shitpushers ripping people off. Those Newtons were almost a year expired.

Are you serious, you ask...a YEAR??

YES I AM!

Even though the last thing I wanted to do was leave that apartment, I just had to. It was raining out too, what a pisser.

As I walked down the street I had another idea. My Department of Health ID was still in my pocket from work so I decided to make use of it. Walking into the store I slammed the fig netwons on the counter and raised my voice. "Do you realize that these cookies are almost a year past their expiration date? They were disgusting and I want my money back too. And not just that but I want to stand here right now while you take every single god damn box of those cookies off the shelf."

He kinda looked at me surprised and before he had a chance to react, I said,

"I work for the health department and I'm not threatening you but just letting you know that if someone gets sick from something that you're selling because it's expired, you're going to have a lot of trouble on your hands."

I put my badge down on the counter in front of him. Everyone in the store just stood there silent like it was some kind of drug bust. I made sure not to overstep my boundary and make it seem like I had any authority, I was just stating that I work for the Dept of Health, which is true. And stating the fact that when people get sick from food at a specific store or restaurant, they can get shut down. Also true.

Didn't say I would be the one doing it.

hee hee

The guy behind the counter was pretty freaked out and called out a stock boy who pulled every package of netwons off the shelf. He then apologized profusely and refunded my money.

I went across the street and purchased a small single size serving but fresh pack of Newtons. They were figalicious.

- PLAY DEAD

When I was a little boy I remember wishing I had a magic wand. I told my father my plans with the magic wand, how I would run through the neighborhood and use it on everyone.

He said, "No son, that's not a magic wand you want. The word for what you want is called a "Shotgun. Shhhhotgun son, say it with me."

A shotgun. Yes. That's what I wanted.

- MY WIFFFFEE SHE AH SLUTTTAHHH

Isn't that how an Italian would say it if he found that his wife was cheating on him? "My wifffeah, she a dirty slutttah. She ah-sleep with my friend Luuuigi and they make-ah da spagehtti and meatballs in their pants and HEY WHO PUTTAH DAT big ball ah MOOZZZZERELLLLAAAA in my gymbag when I was ah sleeping.

So where did the legend of mailmen banging wives get started? Have you ever seen most mailmen? They aren't the most attractive people in the world. Most have very thick calves and aren't usually taller than the top of a minivan.

But hell I'm sure they get mileage out of the jokes but in reality I doubt any have actually bagged a stay-at-home mom while dropping off the J-Crew catalogs and Con-Ed bill.

what?

- ALL IN THE NUMBERS

2 flights of stairs up to my apartment

12 bites necessary to finish a black and white cookie

5 buttons on my shirt today after i sewed the one back on that fell off

0 times I've been in an actual fistfight

3 Number of time I came very close to being in an actual fistfight

365 days in 2005

53 saturdays

52 sundays

12 days of holiday given at my job

15 days of vacation given at my job

7 average number of days I will be sick this year

226 number of days I will most likely work this year

1790 about the total number of hours I will be at work figuring I'll leave early a few times.

$23.46 about what I make per hour I'm here including my hour of lunch.

$50-75 about how much I'm realistically being paid per hour actually worked.

- APARTMENT TO SHARE

Last week I posted a phoney ad on craigslist. It actually made the "Best of Craigslist" so I assume they have a good sense of humor and didn't just delete it.

Check out the ad HERE

Maybe I have too much time on my hands but to those that pose that hackneyed expression towards me I rebut it with, "What the fuck do you do with your free time?" Most of us do have some free time and it's probably not spent on something as satisfying as this was for me. Sure I do waste a lot of my time and the taxpayers time (I work for the city) but I do believe this was worth the effort.

Now for the responses. Let me say that I did indeed spend a good deal of time last week reading responses and writing people back. More people wrote me than anticipated. I've chose a few of the more interesting/humorous conversations I had. I will be changing names to protect the innocent, and in some cases the guilty. The international people were probably the most fun. And I was interested in the most common answer to "favorite kitchen appliance/utensil" which was "The blender."

1)

Please, help wanted! I need a room urgent..Please. International female student

name: Silvia

age: 24

sexual identification: straight

age: 24

favorite kitchen utensil/appliance: Italian

2 good qualities about yourself: nice

1 bad quality about yourself: can be late


I wrote her back:

Silvia,

I see that you are interested in the apartment.

A few things first.

I asked for 2 good qualities about yourself. You had written, "nice."

Although "Nice" is a great quality and something we all look for in a roommate, lover, pet, teacher, therapist, uncle, bed frame, postal employee, rock garden, etc. etc., it only qualifies as ONE quality. I need one more.

Also under "favorite kitchen utensil/appliance" you wrote, "Italian." I am confused by this answer. Are you saying that you use Italian people like utensils? I mean on occasion I have used a human being as a wheelbarrow but that was in camp, and for fun. At least I think I was in camp when I did that. I forget now, I'm sleepy.

Write back and tell me your favorite episode of mamma's Family

2)

You sound awesome!


name: Colleen

age: 26

sexual identification: straight

age: 26 again

favorite kitchen utensil/appliance: coffee maker

2 good qualities about yourself: light hearted funny

1 bad quality about yourself: sarcastic

Thank you.

I wrote her back:

Colleen,

I'm thrilled you wrote me about the apartment. Although I do not object to living with a female roommate my mother can be a bit weird about it. She may want to do a brief 10-15 minute interview. Possibly I can get her to do it over the phone but she usually likes to do them at a Deli, most likely Katz's delicatessen on Houston street. Are you familiar with that deli?

If you do meet her there she will pay for your meal but will insist that you finish at least half of your sandwich and 3 pickles. I don't know why she does that but she takes offense otherwise. Don't mention I tipped you off about the 3 pickle thing though because it will definitely win you points with her.

She wrote back:

I hesitate to believe all this is true, however, intrigued none the less. Sure, I'd love to meet you and your mum at Katz anytime.

3) Woman from Germany wrote me back:


that sounds a bit weird!

I just moved from Germany for a music project. I'm staying with a friend right now in Brooklyn.

name: Helga
age: 25
sex: female (not a girlie)
favorite kitchen utensil: Italian
2good qualities: easy..Funny
bad qualities: none

so if you are still looking for someone, let me know where I can reach you!

She sent me a website with pictures of her singing. I wrote her back this:

Helga, you are quite an attractive German woman. Du Bist Wundershun.

me spreckah ze duestch just un poco though.

I will get back to you about the apartment. It looks like I will be
renting it out to a duck farmer though. I get free duck every fourth
Thursday.


4)

Hello

I think I could live with you.. I am very laid back and open minded, pretty simple to live with. I work a lot and I am very sporty. Please see information below and let me know if this could work with you.

name: Challia

age: 32

sexual identification: Female

favorite kitchen utensil/appliance: mmh.. Maybe the tea pot

2 good qualities about yourself: laid back, friendly personality and flexible

1 bad quality about yourself: I can get really upset when somebody disrespect
me

Thank you.
Looking forward to hear from you. (gave me her phone number here)

My response to her:

Challia,

I too get upset when someone disrespects me. I like your qualities and think your teapot will make a good edition to my apartment.

I don't however think I can pronounce your name. Would it be ok if I changed your name to Wilda?

Get back to me,

Thurber


5)

name: Linda

age: 27

sexual identification: straight

favorite kitchen utensil/appliance: cork screw

2 good qualities about yourself: im considerate and laid back

1 bad quality about yourself: im the occasion scatter brain

thanks for you time...


My response:


Would it be ok with you if I stored a few bags of potatoes in your room and a broken Frisbee? I'm all out of space in my room.

Quick what was your answer to that? I'm testing you out in case we become roommates.

Look forward to your response,

Thurber

- LISTEN TO ME

Doing it again tonight at 10pm

to listen online go here: http://www.piratecatradio.com/site/listen.html

I'll be reading a few of the responses I got to the craigslist post.


Hope you listen

- MY NEW DESK

Since I was a young lad I always remember going into offices and seeing people sitting behind desks like this. I always wanted one and today I bought this for my apartment. Please have a seat and I'll be with you in a minute. I'm brushing my teeth right now.