- WILLY WONKA ALMOST GETS A HANDJOB

My god the women here are so small. The following is a true story. We went for massages tonight at a really nice hotel. The whole place gave off a strange feel..but maybe the fact that there were about 10 half naked Japanese businessmen helped contribute to this.

An hour long massage was $8. And it was a pretty damn good massage. The woman mounted my back like she was going on an expedition. She was jamming elbows and fingers into my back and then actually put her knees on my back and started sliding up and down. It felt like she was skiing on me.

Anyway the entire thing was really enjoyable until I had flipped over to my back. She pointed at my crotch and said, "Massage there?"

WHAT? I've gotten about 10 massages in the shadiest, cheapest joints in NYC and NEVER once have been offered a massage "There" so this was a first. I couldn't help but giggle and say, "No but thanks for the offer"

The rest of the massage was rather uncomfortable and not just because of the fact that this woman propositioned me for a costly crotch rub but the fact that she obviously does this quite often and was currently rubbing my entire body (cept for the higher priced parts) really grossed me out.

Anyway I took it in stride and tried not to freak out. I knew the story would be so good I had to get a picture of me with them..they all thought I was so funny because of my hair and my sheer size. I could have swallowed one if I was hungry..they have some tiny people here.

- I'M VERY BIG IN VIETNAM

Well they seem to love me here. I took one of my sisters hair bands and tied the long mound of hair on the front of my head up into a little ponytail to get it out of my face.

This set off a riot for all the Vietnamese girls who were working at the restaurant. They ran up to me giggling and kept touching my hair.. Allyson, Bryan and I just kept laughing about the whole ordeal. But it didn't stop there..everywhere I go they love it.. I'm not sure what it is but I guess being an international superstar sensation might have something to do with it.

I've told a few people I'm Tom Cruise. The ones who know him realize I'm not in fact Tom Cruise..and the one's who don't know who he is well...it doesn't really matter if I say I'm Tom Cruise right?

- OFF TO VIETNAM AND CAMBODIA

So check my blog again in about a week maybe I'll have a few new posts.. I'm going on vacation to Cambodia and Vietnam for 2 weeks..Traveling out with my best friend Ryan and meeting up with my sister and bro-in-law.

Here was my conversation with Bryan (bro-in-law) a few minutes ago:

Bryan: you getting psyched for the trip or what!?!

Daniel: I'm doing situps right now
running in the snow like rocky
I'm not even packed yet
I'll be psyhced when my plane lands on a bamboo hut
and I get to throw that first grenade in a foxhole

If anyone wants me to bring back a child please specify sex and hair color..and send $5000 to my paypal account.

- I PUT MY UNDERWEAR ON BACKWARDS AGAIN TODAY

As all you loyal fans know this isn't the first time I've done this.

I remember now that I felt funny on my bicycle on the ride into work today but didn't really give it a second thought until my first peeeeeeeeee break of the afternoon. As I went to play with my lawn sprinkler I felt around for an opening in my red banana republic boxers, and got scared thinking I might have twisted my body around like in the movies, without realizing it..

Then it dawned on me...duhhh

Speaking of Planters peanuts in that previous post, I'm now eating Duane Reades exclusive brand of peanuts named 5th Avenue "Preferred Peanuts" you know their good because they are "Preferred." The thing is that Duane Reade also makes a brand that don't have the fancy labeling and word "Preferred" on them and I've eaten them.

Let me be honest, the non preferred peanuts are frigging nasty. Disgusting! Revolting! They're like that inbred house of neighbors who used to live across the street from you who never cleaned their lawn. Weird things happened in that house. I kinda had a crush on the girl though and carved her name into my treehouse (and my arm).

- DRAWING NAKED BROADS ON MOTHERS DAY

On Mother's day I did what any red blooded American does, I went with my mother to a nude drawing class and drew a naked woman for two hours. This was my first attempt at drawing the naked form and really doing any kind of real life drawing to be honest.. I didn't do that badly I don't think. I got bored after awhile and wandered about outside to take photographs like a child with ADD.

The photo below was my best rendering of the afternoon. My mother liked this one as well. The guy across from me in the picture was some old dude who was doing water colors of the model..Really good stuff though.



I took a few photographs indoors (not of the model only of the artists drawing her) except for this one guy who said "NO you cannot take my picture." He had a white beard so I called him Old Man Winter. When he went for a bathroom break (becacuse he's old remember) I ran over to his desk with the plan to draw boobies all over his painting, until I realized that we were in fact already drawing boobies..So what fun would that be?


This one wasn't as good..the face kinda looked Picassoesque in a way..well except that it's utter shite!



And moms.. much better:

- PLANTERS NUTS

I think whoever thought up Planters new motto to celebrate their impressive 100 years of delivering fresh taste should be reconsidered.

"Putting salty nuts in your mouth for 100 years" just sounds wrong to me..what do you think?

- POST # 230

So I was just about to hit the final button to checkout for my mothers day present. My sister and I got her a little gold charm which will be in engraved, "With love from Allyson and Daniel."

Luckily I rechecked the writing before plunking my finger down on the final "Click to submit order" button and saw I spelled my sisters name "Allsyon" hahaha man that would have taken awhile to live down.

Last night I went to get a Hepatitis A shot from my MD because I'm going to Vietnam and Cambodia. What a pain this is..I have to get Malaria pills and Cipro in case I get travelers diarrhea which isn't much fun.

So I'm leaving my office and I stop by my old chiropractors office which is right nearby to say hello. We were just chit chatting when I said, "Hey how about an adjustment for old times sake."

him - Sure Daniel that would be great, hop on the table!
me - Yeah I haven't had an adjustment in awhile thanks.
him - how do you want to pay then, cash?
me - (thinking he was just going to do it for free since I wouldn't be using my insurance) uh yeah sure cash is fine.
him - Ok well how much about. Normally I would charge $60 but since its you I'll give you one for $50.
me - Wow that's a bit much.
him - What were you thinking then?
me - I can give you $20.
him - Ok but no heating pads first.
me - Yeah that's fine.

- DAVID BLAINE AIN'T SO TOUGH

So David Blaine's been getting lazy recently. I heard he waded in a kiddie pool for a few hours and called it some world record. Rumor has it his next stunt will be cleaning the entire floor of a movie theater with one q-tip. I will be impressed if he can do that (especially if it's a theater where I just saw a movie with either Hugh Grant or Julia Roberts because vomit will be all over the ground).

Where were the camera crews when I sat on my couch for 8 days straight eating egg rolls at a steady pace back in 02? I mean seriously I must have set some kind of record there.

There's something upsetting about sitting at home in my boxers and stained t-shirt eating a banana split sundae while watching a man who has spent the past week living in water and then attempted to break the record for holding one's breath at the conclusion of that week. He actually failed by like a minute but he was also tied up in chains and stuff (in typical showboat fashion). So did I get pleasure from seeing him not reach his mark? Not really. I still found it all entertaining and in a way inspiring.

So I spent the next 15 minutes standing in front of the bathroom mirror trying to "will" a patch of slightly melted caramel off my chin.. I'm not sure what happened but I think I passed out. I woke up on the floor and Mingus was licking my face.

But you know what.. the caramel was GONE.

magic!


Pictured below is that time (as all you die hard fans remember) I spent 3 weeks in a box suspended above some famous place in some popular city. Remember that? I do!

I didn't eat anything the entire time. You can see how the teased me...oh did they tease me those bastards! Waving candy bars in my face and calling me on my cell phone saying, "Hey Mr. Krieger did you order that large pepperoni pizza and chocolate milkshake cause it's ready for you!"

I made it though. The only thing I ate those three weeks was lint off my blanket, and the roof of my mouth.

- MY BICYCLE

So I finally got a bicycle. I bought a Trek 7000 which is a "hybrid", and man do I love it. I cut my commute from a 35-40 minute 2 train ride, to a steady 20 minute bicycle ride. I figure it will take about 6 months to pay for the bicycle by saving money on the train..everything after that is gravy.

MMMmmmm gravy. I think they should sell it as a drink. Something what I do is cyphon/siphon how do you spell that? Anyway carefully pour that shit into an empty Poland spring bottle and drink a little bit at stop lights. It gives me great energy.

Last night I went to this lovely event for a few hours with my friend Adnan where I dined on yummmies and drank, all gratis. Check out a slideshow HERE.

I've been getting a lot of compliments on my bike recently. Random people come up to me and ask me about it, maybe because its brand new, or maybe because my hair looks so good right now people just want to talk to me.

So that part of my life was going so great but then last night when I was at this shindig I mentioned to a woman whom I was chatting with that I rode my "bike" here. She jumped and said, "that's so cool!" and asked what kind of motorcycle I had.



There she is.. I haven't named her yet. How about a contest sometime in the near future to name my bicycle? hmmm yeah that will be an entire post in itself. Stay tuned fans (yes I mean you).