- THOUGHT:

I think if I was Slyvester Stallone I would probably take credit for ending the cold war by making Rocky IV.

- JESUS FACTOR:

This is what I wrote to PBS as a comment after watching the unbelievably disturbing special about Bush and his relationship with god:

After watching your program entitled "The Jesus Factor," I can honestly say I am scared to live in this country. Our current president is on a religious crusade and for some reason no one is speaking up and reminding George W. Bush that one of the tenets this country was founded on happens to be freedom of religion.

I have never felt so ashamed and just sickened to be an American. I feel completely disheartened almost to the point that I want to move out of the United States. To hear that Bush thinks "anyone who doesn't accept Jesus as our savior will go to hell", shocks me. Someone who thinks like that shouldn't be allowed to run a chicken farm let alone the most powerful country in the world.

the only thing I can say is "Jesus!" but not in a religious way :)

- YELLING AT GOD:

So yesterday I got really fired up when reading an article online about certain religious organizations rushing to write and publish books which are supposed to discredit the Da Vinci Code. I think one is called "Breaking the Da Vinci Code" and most of them are being put out by Christian/Catholic book publishers. So I was doing a little research and went to check out the Opus Dei website (a specific, very religious group who are more hardcore than most other Christian/Catholic divisions) Opus Dei was written about in the book and although the Da Vinci code is a work of fiction, some of what he spoke about them is true, which I found out through later independent research.

Anyway that being said I went kinda crazy and wrote Opus Dei a bit of a nasty email to which I wasn't really expecting a response. Here it is and after I will include the response I got only a few hours later:

-- I had a question about your faith in relation to the whole Da Vinci Code controversy. Specifically I would
like to know if the Catholic Church at any point in history has repressed or punished women or stunted
their growth? Just so I am fair, I will say here that I realize most religions historically repress sexuality and women, always linking shame with sex.

Does the Catholic Church ever take responsibility for anything it does wrong, or in the case of the recent
numbers that came out about how many priests actually have been charged with child molestation, just ignore it and suppress everything until the media eventually finds out..then hold a press conference or two and say you are now aware of the problem and are working diligently to fix it.

Maybe if the Church came out and admitted some of the horrible things it has done in the past, you could
move forward into the future with a clean conscience and work towards rebuilding and repairing the damage you've done.

Instead you choose to just defend yourself against a book like this, which I understand you're entitled to.
Every story has two sides. But the fact that you will never come out and admit any wrongdoing ever (on any issue) is what really makes me believe most of what I read in The Da Vinci Code more than anything.

If you would like to respond to me I will happily read what you have to say.

Daniel

-- ok so that's what I wrote.. and here was the response I got:

Dear Daniel:

A few years back a book appeared entitled like When A Pope Asks Forgiveness by Luigi Accattoli. I find it still available from Amazon. It's been some time now, so I don't remember all it said, but as I remember it was a collection of a number of writings and addresses of John Paul II in which he enumerated some of the things for which the Church needed to ask forgiveness, together with commentary by the author. I think this will help you out.

The remainder of your letter is more of a statement than a question, so I am not going to attempt to answer it, although some of the premises you stand on are mistaken.

Thank you and God bless you,

Rev. Bradley Arturi

-- so I had to write again and thank him for such a timely response and let him know I might check that book out..and I also apologized for venting on him and said I was just fired up after reading the news article. I did appreciate that he wrote back after blasting him and even said "God bless you".

how did he know I sneezed when I was reading that?

- FIRST FAN LETTER: Here is the first fan mail I recieved. To be fair to myself, a few people responded telling me they thought my site was funny/interesting... but I decided to print this one anyway:

"the great thing is that you think that all your friends are reading your rants... you feel like someone is listening, while in reality, your stories are as lonely as you are. but as your friends, we can say that we read them and maybe follow that with a "you're crazy krieger"... so at the end of the day, you're happy because you think someone's listening to you, and we're happy because we don't have to listen.

i think rush limbaugh should try the same thing."

- CAUGHT:

Davis had many friends at work, including both men and women. He would often lunch with different people and a drink after work on Fridays was not unheard of. But there had always been a particular group of women that he never quite developed a friendship with.

It wasn't that they were unapproachable or acted rudely towards him, quite the contrary actually. Whenever he walk by one of them there was always a polite "Hello," even the occasional "How are you?". Each time they said hello to each other though, there was a slightly awkward feeling. Both parties felt it. The way you feel if your're in an elevator with someone you kinda know but not well enough to strike up conversation.

Beyond the pleasantries there was really nothing. The problem was there had never been a formal introduction like he had with other coworkers. There's a short gap of time one has to introduce themselves and spend a few minutes here and there, talking about the weather or complaining about your
boss. If, and when, that time is missed there is not getting it back. That is it. Because it felt so awkward he never made any attempt to go into their office for a bit of the convo, or ask them to lunch. They must have also felt this way (at least he hoped they did) because there was no effort on their part either.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, and then months turned back into days, because it was a backwards silly world he lived in. So after 2 years of working at the job he was ready to make a move. Two years was enough, it was time to take action. The ladies must have made the same decision around the same time. Minutes before he was about to stand up from his desk and walk into their office, a representing member of their small group came walking into his.

It just so happened that during that particular moment, he had his right index finger deeply embedded in a nostril. Mid pick as it were. There was a brief pause......... about a few seconds where she looked at him and him at her, both frozen in embarrassment. Quickly removing the finger he tried to speak but all that came out was a loud bizarre sounding "BUTTGOONNOOOooO!??!" She spun around in place and in one quick step turned back towards here office.

The pleasantries stopped soon after that.

- SCREW FRESH DIRECT:

So i found a wonderful thing out tonight. you can actually get your food delivery person to stop and pick up cigarettes for you. i mean seriously isnt that amazing?? recently a friend in my barrio said that you could do that but i didnt believe him.

i called up fresh tacos and ordered a chicken quesadilla and said to the woman on the phone, 'uh can he pick me up a pack of cigarettes' and she said 'what kind' and i was all nervous like i was ordering porn or something and said 'american spirit lights please... the yellow pack!'

half hour later the guy shows up at my door with the quesadilla and the smokes. i said 'wow did you really get my cigarettes' and he was just like 'Si' and then i said 'where did you go to get them?' to which he again replied 'Si'.

I then said, 'how about you come in for a few minutes and we hose each other down with my hot dog vendor ketchup and mustard squeezable bottles'

of course he said 'Si' again, but this time he gave me a little wink. I tipped him $2.50, took my food, said 'thank you' and shut the door.

- SO MANY OPTIONS:

I have an opportunity at my new job to re-invent my personality and here are some ideas I have:

1) when chatting with people I'm going to mention that my hobbies include learning and practicing old timey dances like the Charleston and the Jitterbug. I will say that I placed 2nd in a "Lindy Hop challenge" in a small town called Broomsville, North Dakota. I seriously doubt a situation will ever arrive where I would have to prove that I do in fact know these dances.

2) tell people that I'm very sensitive about jokes involving my glasses. When I was young (I will tell them) there were 3-4 bullies who used to grab my oversized glasses and toss them around over my outstretched arms yelling "Four-Eyes Cries! Four Eyes Cries!!"

3) My new nickname is going to be CatapultPants. I will just tell them that's what people call me and won't tell anyone why. They will wonder and they will ask, but I will just say, "you will find out soon enough."

4) Tell them my biological father is Ron Popeil (inventor of the Showtime (TM) Rotisserie & BBQ Oven, Veg-O-Matic, Deluxe Solid Flavor Injector, the Electric Food Dehydrator and beef jerky maker and so many others. I will say he abandoned his wife and children when I was 5 to fully pursue this career but sent us a check for $1,500 every month and a card on Christmas.

I will tell them I hold no grudges, but please don't bring in any of his patented delicious food making products, because I really can't bear to be reminded of the father I never knew.

- SUBWAY:

Friday night I was coming back from a friends place on the upper east side. I was waiting at the 86th st stop for my train when i decided to do some de-facing of public property. Something I always wanted to do but never have. I was a little drunk granted, but not enough that I couldn't have stopped myself. There were maybe 2-3 other people who were waiting for the train and I knew they weren't paying attention so I took out a red marker I happened to have.

The three things I wrote were on those big advertisement posters on the wall which are replaced quite frequently, so I knew it wouldn't be a big deal. On a movie poster for a new Jennifer Garner film entitled "13 going on 30" I wrote with the marker, "Another brilliant Hollywood offering to stimulate the intellect." The second was on the new Iron Chef poster with Mario Batali, Wolfgang Puck, and Bobby Flay. On the breast of Flay's chefs jacket I wrote, "Pretty boy who can't cook" and on Mario's I just wrote "over-rated" I left Wolfgang alone..I got no beef with him. I amused myself simply because who the hell would write something like that except some lunatic who obviously watches the food network religiously like I do.. I just thought it was better than making a mustache or drawing a penis in one of theirs mouths..which is the usual artwork people leave on those posters.

The third was an ad for a school or something..and I didn't write anything relevant to the actual ad, its just there was a nice big empty white space to write in, so I put, "Jesus loves you.....but everyone else thinks you're an asshole."

Now the funny part of this came a few minutes later. When the subway came I got into the car and sat down and put my headphones on but could still hear some guy ranting in spanish about whatever. He was talking to 4-5 people who didn't seem to know him.

Like I said I wasn't paying much attention until he turned towards the person who was sitting next to me and said in English, "You know that Jesus loves you don't you? Jesus does love you." and the guy was just like uh yeah ok. I almost lost it considering what I just wrote. If I was with someone I would have said the line I had just written 5 minutes earlier, but I had to keep it to myself.

Another funny thing happened when the guy got off at 125th st station. The doors were still open in our train and we could see as the guy walked onto the platform and began talking to another random person just saying more shit about Jesus. The people he was talking to in the car just looked at each other and started laughing or rolling their eyes. But the fact is that some of them were probably somewhat religious and do believe in God and go to church.

The thing I thought about was this. I realize that this man really does love Jesus and God and feels he wants to share his love with everyone, but because of people like him I think most people that encounter a situation like that are left with a bad impression of religion as opposed to being inspired by it. If I wanted to join a club for example, I wouldn't want other members of that club standing on the side of the road yelling with wild eyes, "COME JOIN OUR PHOTOGRAPHY CLUB!!! IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE" It would seriously turn me off and make me rethink about pursuing my interest in it.

- BOWLING ROBBERY:

I was thinking tonight about robbing a bowling alley. It would be such an unusual place for a large scale robbery similar to the coffee shop in pulp fiction. I think a bowling alley would be even better because they are not usually located in a centralized place and don't have too many windows. Also there is generally just one small entrance, so the people would be pretty much trapped inside.

A partner and I would walk in with our bowling bags and slip on black masks as we entered the building and let a shot out to grab everyones attention. The only sound would be one or two balls still rolling down the alley but other than that I think everyone would be pretty shocked. Hands in the air and the usual deal, telling them no one would be hurt if everyone cooperated. Making sure people had their hands in the air would be key because of cell phones these days..wouldn't want a John Wayne trying to be a hero or anything. I would choose a random person to go around filling our empty bowling ball bags with money, jewelery, watches etc.

One issue would be if someone tried to come into the alley while we were conducting business. I was thinking to put up a 'closed' sign but surely anyone coming in would see that there are plenty of cars in the parking lot. My other man could be positioned close to the door to just grab whoever it is and bring them in, that would just make it easier. Also thats another wallet right?

So when the bags are packed with cash this is the best part of the plan. I will inform everyone that we have a third member of our group that is among them right now. That he or she was bowling in the alley before we even came in. So if anyone tries to call the cops within the next hour, he or she is armed and will dispose of you. Of course there is no third person but hopefully it will buy enough time to get away without anyone contacting the police or trying to run out of the alley.

After the robbery we burn the hats and clothes and bags and just take the money and valuables. It wouldn't be a great amount, it would be more for the thrill than the actual money.

- SLEEPY TIME

I realized after the first week at my new job that I should've faked being a narcoleptic. If I had come in the first day, sat down with my boss and said:

"I have to let you know about a medical condition of mine. I have mild narcolepsy, so occasionally I will just fall asleep. It will look like I've passed out for a few minutes and the best thing you can do is just let me wake up naturally."

Basically I would have been able to take a 5-10 minute snooze right there in my bosses office or during an important (but probably boring) meeting.

Now, I work at the Dept of Health and Mental Hygiene, so they have to be sensitive to certain things like that. I would have waited until the first day after being hired since they could never fire me for a medical thing. It would have been the perfect plan. I seriously thought about it during an early meeting the first week I was here. I think its too late now, maybe next job.. or for anyone else out there you can try it and let me know how it works out for you.

- FIRST POST

And here it is:

Yesterday at work I was standing by my desk talking to a woman and as we were speaking, another woman walked by and threw an small empty carton into my trash basket. I share a room with another person but our office connects to other offices and there are people walking through it most of the day. So I wasn't going to say anything but the woman I was speaking with basically yelled at her, "Hey YOU can't do that! You can't throw your garbage in someone else's trash basket!!!"

The girl was like "oh geesh I'm sorry" basically apologizing to me. I didn't really know what to say so I just said "No big deal don't worry about it." But the woman who had yelled at her said to me " you can't let people just throw their trash in your personal waste basket, trust me." or something to that effect.

I didn't really give it much thought until today when I came back from a meeting and there was a large plastic ziplock bag filled with orange rinds in my waste basket. I was like "SWEET fancy fudge filled Jesus pretzels!!!" thinking you gotta be kidding me.. that woman was right. I couldn't believe someone would actually throw their empty rinds in someone else's basket..granted they were in a ziplock bag but still.

So I moved my trash can under my desk so anyone walking by can't really reach it. I just hope they don't throw it on my desk or chair instead. Do you think they may be initiating me? like a fraternity? I also think the coffee machine is laughing at me behind my back.

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