Thursday, December 30


It's awfully nice to see that Bush could take a few minutes from his vacation to address the little situation that's happening over in one of those Asian lands. Do you think Bush can even spell Thailand?

I just read an op-ed piece in the Times commenting on the $15 Million dollars initially offered in relief by the United States. To put it in perspective the author made the comment that $15 Million is HALF the amount of money that the Republicans are planning to spend on the Bush inaugural festivities. When you think of it that way it's pretty shocking.

I guess we realized that we fucked up so changed the number to $35 Million and now say that is "only the beginning", that we will be giving more etc etc.

I'm sorry, but when you are the leader of the most powerful country on earth don't you think that you might cut your vacation a bit short when one of the largest natural disasters in our lifetime happens and there is chaos in a huge part of the world right now?

And this other guy, Secretary General Kofi Annan, was also on vacation but had to "Cut it short" to get back to the UN to oversee relief effort. DUH?! CUT IT SHORT? Don't we Americans have to come into work when we're sick or make extra efforts at work sometimes during a crisis. And this isn't like the fax machine is jammed and you're the only one who can come in to fix it, this is a huge deal.

I mean if you own a company and it gets destroyed in a fire don't you stop what you're doing and focus all your attention on that? I don't get it. These people are supposed to be serving our country not vacationing in Crawford Texas.

Honestly I wouldn't let Bush run a soda stand. I guarantee if I owned a newsstand and had several people apply for a job to run it, and I had never met or seen Bush and he applied, he would probably be last on the list to hire.

Monday, December 27


It's a bit out of control now. Since moving to Brooklyn I haven't gotten a new haircut yet. There's a nice little old school barber shop with just 3 stools which is 2 blocks from my new apartment and only 10 bucks. The problem is they close at 6 and I never make it there on time.

That paragraph sounded like a math problem.

Because of the cold weather I've been wearing my hat to work everyday which means I can't really put any product in my hair before leaving my apartment. It will just get messed up when I take the hat off anyway. When I get to work I have this huge poofy thing on my head which is completely out of control. Anyone who knew me in college has seen the mighty afro and remembers the glory and fame that followed it everywhere. If I don't get my hair cut soon that fro will be back before you can click off this screen. Please don't click off the screen I promise there's some good stuff next.

So I'm in the bathroom trying to fix my hair by throwing some water on it and working it into some kind of order. The amazing thing is that I think it looks awful yet people at work (mostly older people) keep telling me how good it looks. I just don't get it.

Back to the bathroom. As I work the do, I'm also trying to get a piece of food out of my teeth and do the open mouth thing where you're spitting/pushing air through the obstructed tooth. Finally, a small piece of hamburger bun flies threw the air with such force and lands right on the mirror in front of me. I had also been making that whistling noise I realized. I didn't however realize that there was an Asian guy waiting to wash his hands at the only sink in the bathroom. Turning around I looked at him and also realized I had a lot of water all over my shirt from wetting my hair. He took one look at the freed hostage now slowly escaping down the mirror and another look at my wet hair and damp shirt and decided to skip his handwashing responsibilities and left the bathroom.

I can't really say I blame him. I actually blame you.

Wednesday, December 22


I'm sick right now with a cold and I just sneezed and blew snot all over my hands. I hate when that happens and you're not quite sure if some flew in an awkward direction and landed on your shoulder somehow.

At our office Christmas party last Friday a woman was talking to me and eating at the same time and shot a piece of food at me which honed in like a torpedo. Similar to that of a slow motion move which would rival the special effects from The Matrix, I screamed Noooooooooooooooooooo and contorted myself just enough to avoid the heat seeking spinach globule. I don't think she even noticed.

Maybe she did notice but realized that the best thing to do in that situation is pretend like it didn't happen, which is what she did. She just turned and started talking to someone else while I sat there nervous that another barrage of flying food might be heading towards me at any minute.

Completely unrelated, the pen I am using right now is this. But my favorite pen remains this little piece of magic given to us by the good people at Pilot

Happy Holidays

Friday, December 17


1) Today at work we had the judging of the "Decorate the door" contest at the Department of Health. Every year the bureau I work for has a theme and this year because it was the Flu Vaccine shortage, our theme was The Grinch Whole Stole the Flu Vaccine." The door was adorned with a tree with syringes dangling off like ornaments and surrounded by little Whoville people but the Who was crossed out and it read, "Fluville." We also sang a song which someone in my department wrote. The lyrics were set to, "Have yourself a Merry little Christmas." But changed it to, "Have yourself a shot for Influenza." I guess you had to be there but they did a nice job singing it. I didn't sing I just Milli Vanillied it.

So I was asked to draw the Grinch when we were decorating the door which was going to be the main theme. I think I did a pretty nice job drawing him. When the commissioner of the Health Department (who is a bigwig since he's the one in charge of the all of New York City's health concerns) saw the door he was impressed and said, "Who drew the Grinch?" and everyone started pointing at me and saying my name.

We ended up winning and get to have a breakfast with the commissioner..which is a big deal I guess. Seems like a nice guy and hey he likes my artwork.

2) I received my new American Express card today from MBNA and called to have it activated. I used to have a VISA with them but I guess they switched over to AMEX. When I was talking to the woman on the phone she informed me that I was one of 1,500 MBNA customers who was chosen to be the first members to switch over. She said another 100,000 will be switched over but some have to actually apply for it.

I just got the card off the bat cause my credit is spectacular. I think that's only because I don't buy anything too expensive and always pay it off. I try not to live beyond my means and on a civil servants salary that means not buying Plasma TV's. But hey, it's still not too shabby coming from the son of an apple farmer huh? Oh wait my dad isn't a farmer he's a doctor. Whatever.

Wednesday, December 15


So let me get this straight with all you silly gentiles. On December 25th each year, Jesus comes down through your chimney or if you live in an apartment building I guess he comes in through the bathroom window off the fire escape. He then puts presents in over-sized socks and eats some of your food.

Why is he still so thin if he's eating at all these houses?

I think Jesus was a magician which would explain the walking on water thing and turning water into wine. It's all just slight of hand and distraction with magicians isn't it? I think since those Magic Secrets Revealed shows we now understand just a little bit better how they do their tricks. But back two thousand years ago they didn't have t.v. at least I don't think they did.

Is that how we count our years? So that means that 2004 years ago Jesus was born and since then we count by that? Man that's impressive.

I just researched the Jewish years and found that we are on like year 5765 so what do you think about that? I wonder who was born 5765 years ago? Probably someone important at the time was just like, "Listen up you stinky bastards, my birthday is gunna start the history of man you hear me?" and his friends were like, "Dude are you out of your mind?"

But was he? The answer is, NO.

Monday, December 13


Monterey Jack- Seems that this cheese has a splendid marriage with Mexican food because it comes on a lot of tacos and quesedillas that I order from tex-mex places here in the city. Monterey melts well and tastes good too. You can buy Monterey Jack with jalepeno pepper pieces in it which are great. If you make corn muffins at home try adding some chunks in the mix before you bake it..mmmmmm

Brie- If you don't like Brie there's something sick in your head. God this stuff is like white crack. Wait isn't crack white? Brie is better though. Melted Brie is so good but smells like an old sweaty sock when baked. Try baking Brie with your favorite jam, and then take a bath in it.

Swiss- I like it sliced or chunks on crackers. A chicken cutlet sandwich with this holy melted king of cheeses makes a tasty lunch or dinner even.

Mozzarella- What a versatile cheese. Smoked, fresh, and the standard Polly-O blocks make me a happy man. The smoked is my least favorite but I do enjoy it on occasion. Fresh mozzarella with sliced tomato, basil, and good extra virgin olive oil is delightful. I love hearing American Italians overpronounce the word mozzarella or Ricotta, it makes me laugh.

Havarti- Don't care for it much.

American- Bland yes I know but I like it. White American is good on a roast beef or turkey sandwich every once in awhile. I also like the white in omelets, it just melts so perfectly. The yellow is less preferred but I actually like it on a burger.

Cheddar- One of the few cheeses I know that comes in different sharpnessesessess. I like the sharp cheddar on crackers but prefer the more mild versions with food. Cheddar is a standby that will never die. I will die someday but Cheddar will live on forever. Bury me with a big block of it, please.

Muenster- A mild cheese but actually one of my favorites. Melts well and makes a sandwich that much sweeter. I love me some Muenster on Carrs Table Water crackers. Yeah you're welcome for the plug Carrs. Is Muenster a German cheese? Sounds like it.

Bleu Cheese
- Don't like the way they spell blue wrong but this cheese is nice in a salad or in a foot bath after a long day at work.

I'm lactose intolerant by the way.

Friday, December 3


If someone has invented a high functioning back scratcher, I haven't discovered it yet. How difficult can this be? I'm guessing you need something that feels more like a person's hand than a curved piece of crappy wood. I want a back scratcher that mimics the human hand and I would be willing to pay good money for it.

WHY is it that you feel compelled to leave the dust covers on your books when they clearly don't look as clean or distinguished as the original hardcover's underneath. Even when they are slightly shredded or torn you still leave them there, a poor memory of what was once a nice crisp book cover. If you're visiting someone and you're glancing at their book shelf and you see a book without a dust cover, you might not say it out loud but you're secretly thinking about it. What happened to the dust cover? I wonder if that book was bought from a tag sale or used or maybe it was torn apart in some wild bizarre book reading frenzy. Yeah I know you're thinking that. You're strange like that.

Thursday, December 2


There's a Chinese restaurant in Carroll Gardens Brooklyn named, "Me and My Eggroll." I don't get the names of some of these Chinese restaurants. What are they thinking when they name these places? I walked in there last night as I was scoping my new hood to grab a menu and was a little turned off because I saw several large garbage pails filled with fried noodles. I assume the pails are clean and they just make so many of the noodles everyday that they need large containers to hold them. Wait scratch that.. I don't assume those pails are clean. They are probably filthy considering the rest of the restaurant looked pretty humpitty dumpitty.

There's one spot uptown in my old neighborhood named, "U Like Chinese." Swear to god. The best has to be the one in Chinatown with the name, "New Big Wang Restaurant." Doesn't get much funnier than that. It's located on 1 Elizabeth Street, NYC. I assume they will answer with their name 212-219-3686. Give them a call.

So for lunch today I ordered soup and scallion pancakes from New Green Bo, whose name is not that bad so I don't need to mock it. I actually wasn't too hungry after the soup and didn't eat any of the scallion pancakes but I did have 3 fortune cookies.

I know that you and I both like Chinese cookie fortunes as much as we try to convince ourselves that they are quite meaningless, their tiny words leave huge profound impacts upon our lives. Well at least for the next 5-10 minutes after reading them.

I sometime keep favorites in my wallet for a few months or a few years depending how good they are. My last keeper was in my wallet for a good year. It said, "You long to see the Great Pyramids." Well honestly I really didn't, not until I read that fortune at least.

Today my 3 fortunes were:

1) Your family is one of nature's masterpieces.

Boy they nailed that right on the head.

2) Your luck has been completely changed today.

This was after losing a decent amount of money in the stock market this morning.

3) All the news you receive will be positive and uplifting.

I hope you're right ancient Chinese philosopher.

Wednesday, December 1


Right now there is a piece of tape stuck to the bottom of the wheel of my chair and it is driving me insane because it's kinda tucked into the wheel and I can't get at it without flipping my chair upside down and performing surgery on it. I believe it to be scotch tape but for all I know it could be masking tape or the dreaded duct tape which leaves that stringy-gooey-aftertaste. Is it Scotch or Scotched tape? Does it have anything to do with the Scotts?

My grandma passed away late last week and we had the funeral Friday and a friend of mine at work found out and went and told everyone at work. She sent an email to over 50 people and forgot to leave me off the mass emailing. So I received an email which said that the staff here is sending around a sympathy card to sign and donations will be accepted in order to get a "condolence basket" for me.

This friend who sent out that email was nice enough to call me on my cell this weekend and offer her condolences which I appreciated, but I mentioned to her about not making a big deal of it at work..And especially no balloons or presents or whatever, but then I get this today so I'm a little pissed.

I emailed her back asking what exactly the contents of a condolence basket are? I said, "Tissues? Books on dealing with Death? Maps to famous gravesites? Cadberry eggs? (I just threw that in because I was craving one at the moment)."

Everyone deals with Death differently and I don't like making a big deal of it. My grandmother had been sick for years with Alzeheimers and suffered several strokes and she is more comfortable and peaceful now so I feel good about that.

The tape is still making noise under my chair though. How annoying.