- 10 YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION:
Wow and I mean WOW. 10 years.. it seems like only yesterday I was a single loser who shamefully snuck into a magazine stores to wait until they were empty in order to buy an issue of Penthouse. Oh wait
I had sent in my money for a ticket and filled out the information section that will be in a published catalog for all Brookfield High class of 94 students as follows:
Name: Daniel Krieger
Occupation: pimpin it baby!
Location: wherever the ladies are
Married/Kids: twice and none that I know of
After sending it in, I received an email from a classmate who is helping to organize this reunion and it went something like, "Daniel, thank you for sending in your money and card back but I don't know if we are going to be able to print what you wrote on your information card."
I wrote her back and tried to be all serious and intelligent sounding saying something to the effect of, "If there is an issue with the length of my response then that is something I will work with you on, but if this is strictly a content issue then I'm afraid I will have to argue to keep what I've written. She wrote me back a nice diplomatic reply saying that she would see if it could be published but it wasn't really her final decision. Or something like that. WELL I'LL tell you this. If that doesn't get published I'm going to make up phony business cards for the reunion that will have all that information written on it. I'll stuff them into everyone's shirt pockets that I see.
So I have this little vision of what the reunion will be like. I picture it as movie clip, tightly edited in which it will flash from one quick conversation to the next. The convos will undoubtedly be someone saying "so how arrrreeee youuuuu and what do you do for a living?"
I mean that's the big one right? If you're not standing there with a significant other you better have a good fucking job or what are you doing there to begin with?
So here are my ideas for jobs to tell people. And don't think I'm not going to use some of these because I am dammit. Don't question me. Jerk.
- I've patented a "smokeless cigarette" and I'm just waiting for funding.
- You are looking at the inventor of the very first "Home sex change kit."
- I own a small bereavement card company. So if anyone dies just email me, here's my card.
- You see that beer you're drinking? (and then I just giggle and nod my head with a sly smile as if to say I own that company)
- I work for my parents. Well I live in their basement.
- Lets just say all those hours spent watching the Simpsons finally paid off. And when they ask, "Well why what are you doing??" I'm just going to stand there, not say anything and sip my drink pretending like they aren't talking to me.
Lastly I came up with the perfect answer for two commonly asked questions. "SO what do you do for a living?" and the inevitable, "Are you seeing anyone? are you married???"
This line should do quite nicely to answer them both in one shot. "Well I just finished my great American novel. Its entitled, "That stupid bitch left me for another woman."
Then I plan to get really drunk and go up to as many women as possible and make them feel really uncomfortable by telling them how badly I wanted to sleep with them when we were in High School.
Come on you know it's probably true anyway.
I will update everyone after the reunion.